Should we just leave???
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I love my SO so much! To the point where as much as I loathe his child and being around him and the bm and ALL that they entail I cannot bring myself to end it with him because I want to be with him. Period.
If a person feels like that about their skid/bm do you think/believe that they should just end it with their DH/SO or should they basically say F-it to the whole skid/bm bs and be with their man irregardless of their feelings?
Any thoughts, personal experiences, advice on this are sooo appreciated!
It hard to know what to do. I
It hard to know what to do. I have thought about leaving before. The thing that has kept me from that is that the DW has my back. The SS14 who has been so horrible these past couple of years has finally run out of chances. He's going to a boarding school type place where he will live and go to school and get counseling. If the DW did not agree there is no way this would ever happen, but she wants it as much as I do. If she was defending his behavior then there's no possible way I could continue with things.
That's how I understand what a tough situation some of these people are in. They have horrible stepkids and their SO does not support them.
Before you make that choice,
Before you make that choice, there are these things to consider:
1. Do you feel respected, loved, and understood by your SO?
2. Does he support what you are feeling, how you feel, and is conscientious about your sensitive position?
3. Does he step up and make an effort to improve your relationship?
4. Is he willing to do anything, even thing he might be uncomfortable or unhappy with, in order to protect you?
5. Do you both communicate the things you need out of this relationship and respond with kindness and empathy? If not, do you both try to work on communicating with eachother?
If you answered yes to these, I wouldn't be so hasty to throw him away. Chances are, he's better than even some men WITHOUT children.
However, happiness is for YOU to decide, and only you. If he is all those things but you just dislike or can't stand the situation itself in general, even if you are well protected, then perhaps this entire thing is not for you.
My SO is fantastic in all of
My SO is fantastic in all of those aspects! He knows how I feel and he says that he is "in it to win it" he wants to be with me no matter what! I definitely dislike the whole situation period. But I do love this man. There in lies my dilemma....
We are all entitled to our
We are all entitled to our dreams and hopes and goals. If that involves a perfect nuclear family, and this is the one thing you cannot be without, then I would leave (just like if you require your life to have children but after marriage your husband changes his mind and wants none).
It's not fair to you to live life always wondering "What if?" and disliking the situation in general. This kind of stress ends up affecting your health and other aspects of your life.
Your SO made the choice of having a previous family, and they should know the risk that it comes with--sometimes it means losing the love of your life no matter how hard you try. My SO is well aware of this (although it wasn't a family, he knocked someone up) and never stops trying to make things even better. This I am thankful for, no matter how much I may hate the situation itself. It's why I said "I do." because I know he won't take me for granted.
Be careful though, our mind plays tricks on us. If you're extremely protected and your family only bears the peripheral issues involving step life, and 95% of the time you don't have to deal with it, it doesn't tangibly affect your family, then you have to think if it's because you need to let it go. I know I did. I needed to stop obsessing over what could have been, and look at what is.
It helped tremendously.
I am loved, I am supported, I am respected. He will not let any harm come to me, and by golly he will die trying to protect me if necessary. This is my mantra to myself when the bad thoughts come up and it keeps them at bay. Recently, they've stopped popping up altogether.
Because when you're already on top, what does anything below matter?
We have discussed things
We have discussed things alot. He pretty much knows how I feel. He knows that I do not want to be around his child etc. and I am sure deep down it hurts him but he says he wants to be with me no matter what...and as of yet he has never thrown anything in my face about how I feel about his child and the whole skid/bm situation.
What is so awful about this
What is so awful about this child?
Why would you want to involve yourself long term with someone who has this repsonsibility that cannot go away? I mean this is a child, not a puppy you can find 'a good home'.
If you stick around you will
If you stick around you will be his wife and not a stepmother. A stepmother cares for a child. You don't have to love him/her but CARE about their life and their future.
If your SO is not on the same page as you on things like manners, behaviour, expectations, chores, financial matters or if he makes excuses why these things cannot happen (I only see him 2 days a week and I don't want him to hate me/ His mother has everything for him at her place and I don't want him to miss out/ I don't think he should do chores when he is here only 2 days a week/ He can choose what he wants to eat then we don't waste any food/ He didn't mean to slam the door in your face. He was just playing) then you should walk away.
It really doesn't matter how much you love him, it is more how much does he love you and values your contribution to his life.
My DH says I made the clouds and fog lift and the day brighter the day he met me. This may seem romantic but he means he could see clarity in his life and direction. I added value to his life and he cherishes it.
This is not about your feelings for him but his actions towards you and whether he values you and your input into his life and in turn helping him produce a law abiding honest hard working member of society.
You are so right! And my SO
You are so right! And my SO is like that towards me, he says that he wants to be with me no matter what! He knows how I feel about his kid and the whole situation itself and he STILL wants to be with me despite it all! I bring up scenarios alot with him and ask him what he would say/do. Such as if your kid cant/doesnt accept/abide by the rules in our house or acts up etc I will not put up with it and he will not be allowed in our home until and unless he smartens up. And to that my SO agrees! I love him even more so for that! I know he has my back...I just HATE the whole skid/bm thing period! I hate that I have to share my man...so I know I only have two choices...stay and hate the situation but love and enjoy my man or leave
The question of what has the
The question of what has the kid done that has made you not stand him is valid. He's 10, right? I mean, if he is just generally being annoying and has his moments of being rude and disrespectful ... then I don't think you are going to find any child that will not act that way at times. Even if you have your own kids.
If the behavior is not anything out of the ordinary, then I can see a situation develop over time where your SO begins to resent you for not accepting his child. I can see him thinking "My kid is really pretty good, but my SO seems very selfish in not wanting to have anything to do with him". You will eventually lose in this scenario, obviously the dad would not cut ties with his flesh-and-blood. At least it's not probable. And besides, you would not want to be with someone that would do that.
If on the other hand there are very legit reasons for you not liking this kid, then your SO should be able to see that und understand that you have good reason to want to keep distance.
You basically have to ask if you are being reasonable. If you just don't like kids, then no matter how hard it is, I would break ties. It's not fair to either of you and it will cause incredible strain on your relationship.
if you love this person and
if you love this person and they love you you can both come to terms on things. Things won't change without communication. He will always be a parent that you cannot change but you both can work together on changing the unhappy into happy. I wish you the best
It really isn't about
It really isn't about scenarios because the scenarios are hypothetical. I would like to think in a car accident I would be calm and resourceful and draw on my long ago EMT training. Would I? I have no idea.
What I looked for in my DH was his TRUST and BACK UP. If he wasn't in the room and I called one of his sons for something then whatever I said or did (within reason)was OK with him and he backed me up.
When his son wouldn't hand me the remote I turned the TV off. He started yelling at me, I yelled back that no 2 bit kid would speak to me like that. DH came out and listend to me and read his son the riot act. He will not allow anyone to talk to me in a derogatory manner. No one. He would not back down because he trusted my instincts. If these men choose not to remain with their wives and move in a new woman they cannot be so thick headed to think there will be no changes.
I am not abusive or overtly promiscuious around children. I am not a heavy drinker nor do I smoke. I am a good person. And if I am good enough to sleep with you better trust me around your children.
I agree! By scenarios I mean
I agree! By scenarios I mean typical things like if his kid gave me lip etc. Or if he wasnt behaving and disregarding our house rules what would he do/say. He does say things to his son and put him in check. That is probably the main reason I havent left...because he does say/do something and I know that he loves me and values me enough to try to make the best of the fact that I dont like his kid. I stay because I love him...and want to be with him. Period. I do not like his situation or child/bm. That is how I feel and I like every other human being is entitled to feel however they so choose. He is a great man and I know that he has my back. I just struggle with liking/wanting to deal with his kid/bm for the rest of my life. It sucks
With a billion eligible men
With a billion eligible men in the world and with no children with him why spend the rest of your life, yes the rest of your life, with a upset stomach over this kid or anybody elses kid?
I agree with you OCC...damn I
I agree with you OCC...damn I wish it was that easy...I love him to pieces but sometimes I wish I never got involved with a man that had kids! I shoulda learned from the last time I hated the "man with children" scenario!
Tasha, I was in your
Tasha,
I was in your situation and was asking myself the same questions and felt supported and in love and could not imagine my world without him. 3 1/2 years later he showed me the door over an argument about his daughter texting him at 7-8 p.m. He spend teh weekend with her and on Monday she started texting at night. The Bm used to call at that time before to start trouble. I did not like it he called me jelous and the rest is history. We were supposed to sign our marriage license a week from that evening. The next day his daughter texted again at the same time and I pointed it out he did not like my comment and stonewalled me . Locked himself in the bedroom. When he reappeared he said he does not want to invest in this relationship. I was engaged to be married for him, tried wedding dresses etc.
I added value to his life, helped him get a Masters and supported him in any way. I was disengaged from his daughter for a year. I just asked him to stop texting her and call her to see what is going on. He got resentful and turned into someone I have never seen.
I was with him for 3 1/2 years. If someone told me that he will react like that over such a small issue and would not back me up I would have laughed. The truth is I was so in love and cared and nurtured him that I forgot that he has a daughter that he obviously cares and loves more than me. I left and I am ok. It was hard but if I had done it sooner it would have been easier and I would have had a better chance of finding a guy without children. I went to therapy and was told that what he did is called emotional abuse.
He has a son that I adore and is the sweetest kid ever. I kind of miss his son who never created drama or manipulation and was well behaved and respectful.
If I was you - I would leave early and find a guy who does not have children. I myself donot have kids but plan on slowly getting into the dating scene and opening myself for love. It has been 5 months now and I am getting ready to get out there and be happy again.
The truth is that these men have a family prior to meeting us and we come after their BM , exes and children. They came before us as we are reminded all the time and when push comes to shovel they choose to be with their children and move on to the next girlfriend in hope that she will be a good fit for their ready made family.
From my own experience no matter how much he swears in love, understanding and communication to you when the moment comes for him to stand by you he will choose what he desires to choose.
I am firmly committed to not even consider a guy with children anymore irrespective of how wonderful he makes me feel or how much he swears in love . I know the complications and the difficulties that lie ahead and that at one point he will want to be more involved with his children and me and our children if we have any will be pushed to the side.
I still love him very much and send him love and bless him and his children to be happy and have a joyful life.Deep in my heart I know that I did something good by helping him become a better person and get a Masters so that he can get a better job , be paid more, pay more child support and provide better for his daughter and son. It is sad that he did not see it this way. He thinks that I donot care about his children and this is why the engagement ended. I just wanted us to have a family together and to be respected and loved.
I just wanted a nice Monday evening after he spend the weekend with his daughter. I guess that was too much to ask for...