Should we go back to court
So it's been decided that SS is coming for 2.5 weeks this summer. At first BM told DH to take SS forever because she is planning to leave her DH (for the 3rd time) and doesn't think it's "fair" for SS to have to deal with that. So of course my DH said of course. Then she started hesitating and said SS will miss me too much so how about 1 month and now it's down to 2.5 weeks. I don't really care actually, I hate that it's all being decided by her but the shorter the visit the better. Btw we don't have a CO in place. DH had started to fight for custody before he met me but abandoned that when he got a job offer in a different city thats 8hours away from his son. I'm just wondering if I should get DH to go back to court just to get a custody schedule in place. I hate that we can't plan things in advance because we might get SS, BM does not plan anything in advance. How it works is if DH wants to see SS which is about once every month or two, he will ask BM who depending on her mood will say yes or no and that's that. I just don't want to spend thousands on going to court again but this uncertainty is really messing with me.
I would go back to court, the
I would go back to court, the skid needs to routinely see Dad and BM shouldn't be the one deciding whether or not she's in the mood. It's about what the child needs, not what BM wants.
Do not go back to court to
Do not go back to court to force anything on bm. He should discuss with the bm that you need something more concrete and in writing so that you can plan things in advance. Then try to work with her on a set schedule. Court is for people who cannot work things out with convos and emails. Just because she says no here and there doesn't mean she won't want to work out an arrangement and save hundreds/thousands of dollars on lawyers and court fees. Have witnesses sign the agreement and if necessary an attorney. Don't EVER get the courts involved when it's not necessary. The courts might come into play if she continues to deny visitation, but the way it's arranged right now, she's doing nothing wrong. How is she supposed to know when he will call to request a visit?
What does dad want to do?
What does dad want to do?
If he's only trying to see his son "about once every month or two", he may be happy with the way things are.
With an 8 hour time difference between the two homes, maybe he should suggest a month in the summer and one of the week long school breaks.
Well DH wants to ideally have
Well DH wants to ideally have SS full time so yes he wants to see him more but his work schedule does not allow it more than once a month. We are thinking of moving closer but not plans as of yet. The unfortunate part of the court thing is that BM is on welfare and in Canada that qualifies her for legal aid, which is free legal services. She would not have to pay a cent towards lawyer fees. So she has brought him to court a couple times before and it was brutal.
There's uncertainty on both
There's uncertainty on both sides. I agree with the poster above, Dad can approach the subject with Mom of planning out and writing down a mutually agreeable schedule rather than just go right to court. Dad chose to move 8 hours away so he needs to be the one doing the majority of travel and inconvenience.
Having moved himself out of his child's life and seeing the child so infrequently - Dad's chance of getting a custody change are next to nothing. Most judges won't change custody unless there is a very very good reason and your DH has rather shot himself in the foot in this regard.
As soon as Dad knows when he can see his son, he needs to let BM know. He is being very uncertain with her. But if Dad knows his schedule he and Mom can plan the visits as far into the future as Dad reasonably can know his schedule.
Yes I agree DH has moved
Yes I agree DH has moved himself away but he says it's because he needed to get ahead in his job to make more money in order to support out family and SS. He was making very little where he worked before. I would actually say both BM and DH are "go with the flow" kind of people. They make decisions on a whim (DH) and change their mind all the time( BM). So it is very unlikely that they could actually sit down and were down a proper schedule for visitation. They do not communicate well at all.
Your husband's visitation
Your husband's visitation should be, at the minimum, the state standard for NCPs. Summer visitation for NCPs is usually 6 weeks, 30 days, all but three weeks of summer, etc. I have seen several cases now, in more progressive states, where the parents flip flop custody in the summer where the NCP will become the CP during the summer months.
Really think about this. When
Really think about this. When DH and I met he didn't have a CO and he would only see SS when it was convenient for BM. It bothered him, but not enough to do anything about it because he too lived in a different town, but I could not stand the irregularity and spontaneity of the visits. I pushed for DH to go to court and now that we have I miss the time he and I had together. Every weekend is SS time now and we have NO downtime at all. Also, because DH lived far away we had to do all the shuttling back and forth, now that we moved back to town BM makes DH still do all pick ups and drop-offs because it says so in the CO and we are not going to pay an attorney just so they can change the pick up/ drop off responsibilities. Also, does your DH have the time to spend w his son? Can he say, every third weekend of the month I will drive down to get him and drive him home sunday night? If he can't say that for sure, I don't think it is wise of him to go to court because once it is in place there is no going back and believe it or not he is going to want YOU to help him take care of SS in his absence. Make sure that whatever time he asks for is time HE can commit to SS without having to ask anything of you (because I think you don't want to be involved as you said the less time the better). There is no use spending the money on lawyers and time in court if DH doesn't really have a specific time he can spend w SS. If the only time he can really take care of him is summer, maybe that is all he should ask for, but he may not like that idea and want to stick w the "whenever BM can" thing you have now.
I see some freedom of
I see some freedom of movement from your point of view rather than it being constraining. When you make plans to do something don't let her sudden calls change them. As Nancy Reagan said "Just say NO". Of course your husband may wish to give in - so let him stay and you cintinue on with the plans. Go to church, movie, beach, picnic or African safari without him.
you're in canada too? here in
you're in canada too? here in the us you can do what's called mediation, which is where the parents agree on the schedule and then the mediation apt sets it in writing with the court's. keep in mind even with a court ordered parenting plan, skeezy bm's break them anyways.... yes that is what's called contempt of court, but to fight it through the courts is a huge long time consuming process!