OT - the wisdom of "taking a break" from work
Things have been kind of rocky with SO lately. I posted about her "enhanced" social life last time, which bothers me since I am excluded from these activities. Another recent change is SO's decision to quit her job, which is also concerning to me.
As a quick bit of background, SO had a cushy government job with good benefits. She didn't make a ton of money, but was doing ok. About a year ago, she got a new boss. To hear SO tell it, the boss made her life hell, belittling and "bullying" her. Now, I take this with a grain of salt, because SO claims to have been "bullied" in every job she has ever worked. She's never lasted more than 2-3 years at any job she's had.
So SO finds a part-time job at some kind of spritual healing center. She quits her government job, and says she will take a month off before looking for a new full-time job. In the meantime, she'll keep working 17-20 hours a week at the spiritual center, and will be bringing home about $250 a week. Of course, she wants me to help her with bills until she gets her next full-time job. I already pay her phone bill ($80/month), and now I am paying her cable & internet bill ($175/month). Keep in mind, she's still sitting on 30K in money that she got from me in the divorce, but that's her "nest egg" and she doens't want to spend it.
Well, now she's back-peddling about finding a new job. She first changed the 30 Day Break to a 60 Day Break. Then she changed it to a "Few months." Now she says she's going to "start looking" in September, with a goal of starting her new full-time job in October.
There is no denying that SO is lazy. She has always refused to work more than 40 hours a week, even after I helped pay for her college degree. As most of you know, jobs that require degrees pay more, but they do typically require more than 40 hours of work per week. For a few years while we were married, she didn't work at all, and basically sat on her butt. Of course there were promises about finally "getting the house in order" since she had tons of free time, but she never did it. Now we are back in almost the same boat - SO is barely working, and I am expected to help float her bills.
I know that most respones will be of the "move on, she's not good for you" variety. I understand all of this, it has just proven very difficult to find anyone who is actually superior to SO (and believe me, when we were separated, I looked). What I am more interested in is this: has anyone every "taken time off work," and felt like it was actually beneificial? Not just resting, but getting recharged to find and start a new career? I know this is the fantasy she has in her head, and is trying to sell to me. I just want to know if anyone ever tried this, and found success.
Yes, taking a break to
Yes, taking a break to recharge and get yourself centered helps and does wonders for your mental health however.....with her history and background how much of a break does she need when it appears that she's been unemployed more often than not. If she is financially capable of taking a "break" than kudos to her but if she is depending on you to continuously hold her down than maybe she should reconsider and get a job.
Paul I just have to comment on this "and believe me, when we were separated, I looked" this is an excuse. There is someone out there, that compliments you. You should stop comparing people and know that you are loved and she's not the "only" woman out there.
You were separated for 2
You were separated for 2 years. That's nothing. I wouldn't have even started dating for AT LEAST 1 year to get over the relationship. Is it really better being with her than being alone?
I know people who worked in
I know people who worked in stressful, long hours jobs (like lawyers working 80+ hours a week) who took a month off to rejuvenate, and it did them wonders. I know people who've left their jobs and gone back to school to acquire new skills who greatly benefited from the time off and the education acquired during that time. I don't know any lazy users who've worked part time or sat on their butts while someone else supported them who benefited in their careers from time off. They benefitted in that they lived a life of leisure while someone else worked hard to support them, but it did absolutely no good for their careers or their savings accounts.
You dont have to stop dating
You dont have to stop dating her, but you need to Stop paying her bills.
Yes, I have seen people do it
Yes, I have seen people do it and come back rejuvenated.
I have also seen people take time off and never go back to work, or they go back to a lower-paying job, or a higher-stress job.
It's a risk, and one that cannot be taken on a whim. A person who takes time off needs to be able to keep up on their bills, needs to have a plan as to what they want to do/where they are going with their career, and needs to have a gameplan for achieving those things.
It takes someone with drive and desire to successfully take time off. Does your SO have both those things?
Also, regarding dating: you get what you put in. I mean no offense by this, but I have dated my fair share of men who were looking for their next "the one". Almost all of them had the same story: abusive/manipulative ex-SO, toxic relationship, rapid-fire dating, and high standards. They usually had little to offer that was anything exceptional. Nice guys, but clearly needy and not interested in who I was, but what I could offer them to fit their life.
You'd have a better time finding a decent partner if you looked at the other person as an INDIVIDUAL versus a puzzle piece to fit into your life. No one wants a lap dog, and no one wants to feel like they have to fit into a mould to be with someone. If every woman you dated post-abusive SO was worse, then you need to look at the commonality: you.
What would you tell a friend
What would you tell a friend if he told you that his girlfriend was exploring an "enhanced" lifestyle and she was lying to him about it? That she quit her job knowing she couldn't pay all her bills, keeps postponing her job search, AND expects him to support her financially?
Paul. You sound like a really nice guy. But I think you're crazy to put up with this. There ARE fun, intelligent, responsible, single women out there. But before you start looking again, I suggest you look for who YOU are--because you are being taken advantage of and you are allowing it. Why?
Her rejuvenation
Shouldn't cost you a cent. If she can afford to take off a month or more to get her groove back, let her. But don't let her use your wallet to pay her expenses. Why would you allow this?
She wants a Sugar Daddy and
She wants a Sugar Daddy and don't we all secretly want to be rich housewives. If you love her that much and can hack it, great, yet it sounds like you are resentful of the situation. She can't read your mind so if this isn't going to work for you tell her what you told us.
So, I am going to respond to several comments here.
The reason I am exploring reconciliation with SO is because I have not been able to find a better partner. This is not the same thing as thinking there are not better partners out there, because there certainly are better women. I'd be willing to bet almost every woman on this site is "superior" to my SO, in just about every dimension of relationships.
However, I have had a lot of trouble dating. I am not the greatest looking guy in the world, but I can get dates. The problem is they all have had major, deal-breaking issues. For example, drug additctions that they kept secret from me until I had emotionally committed, major financial difficulties, adult children living at home with no launch plan, child-worshippers (younger kids), obesity so severe that they have major health issues, hoarding, or major emotional issues deriving from things such as being adopted, being raped, adversarial relationships with their familes, or being beaten by ex-partners.
I am not overly "picky," as some have intitmated. I'm not looking for a rich model. However, I would like to find a woman who is at least somewhat emotionally intact, who has a decent job, and has a decent relationship with friends and family. I'm not looking for someone who is perfect. I'm not hung up on looks. But when I compare the women who are availble to me, they are not any better quality than SO.
Yes, I am aware that SO is a very sub-optimal match. But this is the best option I have now. It may reach the point where I prefer to be alone to being a non-optimal relationship, but I'm not there yet.