My step daughter is now 18 and out of the house. Wed had some rough patches, but we are good friends and she comes to me with her problems, more so than to her biological parents. Somehow we made it through without major damage. My own daughter is 16 and I am having more issues there....
What I need help, is with my "friends". In quotes, because, I have been officially unfriended over this . Twelve years ago I introduce my then best friend to a guy, with a 3 year old boy. They got pregnant and married right away. We lived together in a big farm or a couple of years. She had two of her own children. This is who everybody thinks as supermom, and to her own ,she is. To her stepson, she has been verbally, emotionally and very recently physically abusive. She taunted him when he was five, like she was a child herself. She badmouthed the bio mom regularly. She controlled the money , earned by dad, to the point of not allowing him to give his boy 50 cents for milk at school. I could go on....My witnessing this at the time, and showing some dislike, caused us to move apart, then eventually became friends again, but in different households. During these last 10 years, I have seen and heard more of the same. My own daughter visits and comes back appalled at the injustice of it all. Organic food for her kids, cheap food for step son. Own room for her 11 and 8 year old each, but not for stepson. Chores are paid at 2 dollars an hour to the teen and five to the 11 year old girl, because " he has to pay his way...."
Fast forward to this month. There was a physical altercation , which is very disputed, and she had him arrested, before calling dad. Now he is forced to live with them and getting angrier, as his pain has not been addressed or ackowledged. Dad tries to please stepmom, or else....
Well, I let them know I am very worried about this. The boy is dear to me and even though he is not easy and definitively does not respect stepmom ( he has some very legitimate reasons), he is not a bad kid. I told them that I worry he will get angrier and eventually will see it as worth it to go back to jail, to right some wrongs. With good reason, I am being told to stay out of it. They want to counsel as a family. She has tons of support of family and friends who have not witnessed what happens when dad is gone. He has a flaky bio mom who loves him but has turned him over to dad. He has a dad who loves him but supports his wife first. Can't he have one grown up who cares and stands up for him? I told dad I won't interfere, but this is just how I feel. This hurts me very much and I worry about him. He is 16 and could go either way. Last straw was to hear stepmom say she was glad he was arrested and now he has to listen to her, because now she has the law on her side. This is so very wrong, and there is nothing I can do.
I tried to advise, based on my experience with a very difficult step daughter, but I have only been met with anger. Are friends only those who tell you you are right, or those who point out when they see something wrong? I care about them all, but at this point I think he needs someone more then the rest of the family. Lost.