Quit being a chicken shit. Put this on BM, let her squirm in front of the judge. All you have to do is state what is fact. You are the full time mom for these kids and she is a POS. The judge will see it. As most of the judges that sit on the family law bench are the bottom 10% of the legal profession they may not do much about it but for damned sure you can bare BM's ass in court if she is stupid enough to go to court.

As for the Skid behavior. Set the behavioral standards and stick with them. Apply consequences for each and every deviation from the rules and behavioral standards in your home. Nothing gets clarity in a child more than consequences for violating the rules.

Keep the paddle handy and your forearm tennis swing warmed up. }:)

My SS used to do the same pre visitation behavioral degradation and the post visitation detox period like your's seem to. We tolerated none of that shit. The rules applied until the minute he got on the plane for Sperm Land visitation and they were in force the second he stepped off of the plane. He suffered the consequences of his actions if he failed to abide by the behavioral standards of the household. No quarter or slack was given. He knew that the shit behavior promulgated in Sperm Land would not fly at home. He learned to get his head out of his ass in a hurry though it did take getting past the toddler years before he gained consistent clarity as to the cause and effect of consequences for his behavior pre and post visitation.

Our lady you are walking in my old broken down shoes, literally!!!! This is hard and only those who have been there will understand. You ask how can you back off when you are the main parent to these children, you can't. You can try to get your husband more involved but someone has to parent these children. I am assuming that you have been with these children for some time and this is not a new situation?

My husband had full custody of his 2 sons when I me him and the boys had issues. They had been tossed around a bit for care, BM walked out when they were 2 & 4 and made no contact for almost 2 years so they were dealing with abandonment issues. Husband was not a good disciplinarian and they were allowed to do things that little boys should not be allowed to do. Th oldest boy had a temper and would have full body tantrum to get what he wanted. He was also very defiant.....if you told him to do something you can bet he would do the opposite. I became that full time parent, husband was working more than myself and his work would take him out of town, sometimes quite a bit so the parenting duties fell on my head.

All we can do in these situations is do the best by these children, treat them as our own. They do have to have discipline...at this point it would b hard to make a difference with the 21 year old but even so if he is living in your home there should be a guideline for house rules and he should be expected to abide by those rules. If he does not, then it is time that he be on his own.

What stinks with all this is, just like in your situation BM is not taking on a parenting role and if she is anything like my SSs BM she was terribly critical of me and my role with her sons. The boys would complain to her an she supported them, not good as the boys learned from their mother that I was in the wrong, that I should not have this much interaction with them. She told them they didn't ave to listen to me. Basically she was allowing them to disrespect me but she was not the one parenting the children. She saw them about 1 month most summers and sometimes she'd have them at Christmas for a week or two. She did not call on a regular basis. She was so full of hate for me, kept telling her sons that she was going to file for custody and never did.

My husband would no speak to his exwife. I really felt that she needed to understand the damage she was doing with he trying to pull he sons to her side. The boys were fine, they had to do chores, they had to mind, they had to be accountable and they were going to get in trouble when they messed up, pretty simple but BM felt dad (my husband) should have been taking care of matters with the boys. I wish he was around more to do this but it just was not the situation and her input with the boys was not helping anyone except to win favoritism from the boys to her.

The boys are now 33 and 31. When youngest one got married neither husband or I were invited to the wedding, we were told BM would not allow us in her home. You'd think that right there would be a clue to the boys that something is not right but they both sought out the mother who abandoned them and both have sucked up her bitterness and see husband and I at fault. I have been the big baddy for years so I no longer deal with them.

Good luck to you! I wish I had some good advise to share but in reflection I think the only thing that would have saved me the H*** I went thru in raising these boys was to have not gotten involved at all.