Lunch with estranged stepdaughters this weekend. Send prayers
Stepmom of 10 years. I haven't really been involved like I used to for about 3ish years. We used to all get along very very well. I used to call them my kids and would do anything for them....
Ever since we got pregnant with our now 2 year old things seem to dramatically change in this blended family. Also I stupidly took a job with bm and thats a whole other story....
Theres been so many chaotic things that have happened. Lying, disrespect, on and off blocking from both girls. They are 14 & 16. Bm blocked my dh years ago. Bm and I used to co parent well until she showed me her true ugly colors. Cps has been called due to 16 year olds false allegations. Luckily nothing came of it. My husband still has this deep hope of repair and I've been Talking about family counseling for years and they both refuse!
I've been going to therapy myself to deal with my anxiety and my therapist agrees there needs a professional involved with the girls to move forward. Anyway, the most recent update on this soap opera is my husband wanting to do a lunch with the older one(she seems to be alot more open, via text), younger one stopped coming 6months ago due to us "treating her sister like crap"...although she was fine coming over the last 3 years her sister stopped coming...even was at the hospital when my daughter was born.
Its whatever. The more time goes by, the more I care less and less. But I still will not agree to them coming to visit our home unless they do family counseling. My husband says he will do all the talking at lunch about family counseling... he wants me to come. He wants them to know we are a team and will not be leaving me out of future lunches or any occasions. I agreed and then tried to get out of it. Lol. He got upset so I agreed again. I think im just going to be a grey rock as they call it. I told him if either(i got a feeling the 14 year old will tag along if she knows my daughter is coming) are rude or disrespectful at all I will not be attending again.
I'm dreading this lunch but for my husband, I guess I'll try... I also did mention to him that I would appreciate it if he didnt use the word "sister". Maybe I sound cold but they have blocked and unblocked us several times
The last 5 years(yes they both did on and off but more the older one), whos to say they won't do that to her? I dont need my dd to be hurt. Shes 2.5 she remembers people and family. I may sound biased but shes crazy smart and her vocabulary is amazing.
We have a very calm happy home and if they wsnt back in they have to make effort. Im sure bm will try to block it overand over like she already has but whatever. Its funny I've already seen what will happen in my mind. 16 year old drives so I can just see her storming off. Idk maybe ill be wrong and she surprises us.
We shall see. Any advice is appreciated:)
Breathe
Take a deep breath. I recently had to face my SD24 at brunch after I disengaged for over a year. I had all sorts of anxiety and SO promised to get up and leave with me if there was any shade thrown my way but she was there with her Nutter GF and therefore on her best behavior. It ended up being a non-event.
If you DH is committed to leading the discussion about counseling, then I would go. Showing SD she can't drive a wedge between you is important. But - if it's really too much for you right now then he should respect that without getting upset. It should be completely up to you.
Gray rock is the way to go
If your DH wants you to go, I'd go, especially since he wants to present you as a team and refuses to see you excluded from future functions. That's all good.
But, your instinct to protect yourself and your child is valid. If these girls once called CPS, you cant be too careful.
I would certainly grayrock it and see how things go. Civil and polite. I can see your DH wanting the big happy family but I'd be cautious. Take the long view, there are years and years ahead of graduations, showers, weddings, grandkids, etc. If you can establish a civil and polite relationship (no more needed), that will ease things for everyone. But your first priority is your own child so keep your eyes and ears open. Good luck and please let us know how it goes.
Last time I saw sd 16 when my
Last time I saw sd 16 when my daughter was 3 months old she was nice and corgil but the very next day she texted me and told me it was all fake to see her dad. This is the typical crap she pulls off. Like goes out of her way to cause fighting. Thats why I can totally see her getting mad and running off now that she drives herself.
What about family counseling? I know they will refuse as they have for years now. I mean it will never come to a point where they will be allowed back in our home if trust is gone. They have gone out of their way to record me while I'm talking and then the whole cps thing TWICE.
If they say no again do we just say ok thats your choice? But don't expect to be able to come over our home?
Probably won't happen
Altho I agree that family counseling is the way to go, I doubt these girls will do it. I'd go, have lunch, say little and let it go. It's a good idea to get the sitter for your DD. Maybe the best DH can hope for is the four of you having a drama-free lunch occasionally. Maybe he needs to accept that.
You don't think it would be a
You don't think it would be a good idea to bring my dd? She was going to be my distraction with my awkwardness lol
I've read over your past
I've read over your past posts and counselling has been brought up and thrown away several times in the past. What makes your DH think that this time will be any different?
I agree. I dont think they
I agree. I dont think they will ever agree. But it will be the only way we can trust them them ya know?
Very similar situation here,
Very similar situation here, I have a baby and a toddler and since having them the relationship with SD 14 has gotten a lot worse. On and off blocking DH and refusing to come to our house or speak to us. There is no way that BM would allow counseling because she thinks everything is fine. Counseling only works when the parties want to be there anyway.
My two and a half year old has no idea that she has an older sister. If I was in the same situation I would choose not to go and not subject my daughter to the drama. Toddlers demand attention and I'm sure your step brothers are going to have an attitude if your daughter tries to steal the spotlight as toddlers tend to do.
Just keep in mind that you're going to support your husband you're not going to see your stepdaughters.
My Situation
After 12 years of taking crap from SKs (during that time, 3 were adults, 2 teens and now all adults), and a final humiliating event, I completely disengaged from DHs kids. Haven't seen them in 4 years.
Two of them were local (one for a week, one for a month) just recently and I did NOT see either, although they wanted to come to our home. (DH sees them outside our home, a boundary set in marriage counseling). It was a hard road to recovery...my emotional mindset was a disaster after years of trying to make things work and sacrificing myself. While I would never want to experience that again, I did learn some valuable lessons about myself and made some changes (in counseling).
I am at the place where I'm okay with DH's youngest son, who is the only local one, to come visit in our home. I know what I'll do. Welcome him and his family, hang out for a tiny bit (practicing grey rock) and then either leaving or going to my studio. I think, in time, I will be receptive to "meeting" with DHs other kids (the ones who really gave me hell..youngest one was not that bad). I do like what your DH has planned....meeting at a restaurant. The event has a short time span and if necessary, I could fake illness and leave if it's super uncomfortable. And again....grey rock.
So, what I'd suggest is exacty what you plan to do...grey rock. While I would rather your sweet baby not attend this event - your SDs do NOT deserve to see that precious child....I understand you don't have a sitter. So....bring her but I would not give much info. Tell her daddy is meeting some family. Practice the grey rocking, play with your child, and if things start going south, just tell everyone you need to Uber home with the baby...for whatever reason you want to use.
I will say this....you should go only if YOU want to go...not because your DH wants you and his "happy" family back. I'd have no issue not even attending that dinner....let him see what's going on with his kids. I know he wants to show a united front but sometimes, a united front is him saying, "I'm not subjecting my wife to anymore toxic behavior and until I know you girls have changed, she will be staying home."
Best to you. I know how difficult this is. My time is on the horizon and I'm already stressing about it some.
why reward your sd's
why reward your sd's behaviours by allowing them access to dd? Like hell would I Subject her to that toxic situation and atmosphere. Leave her with a babysitter.
I totally agree with you but
I totally agree with you but we have no sitters. Only weekly daycare. In her 2.5 years of life shes only gone to a in home daycare and us. No one else. Idk if I should even go because I feel this to my core. I also feel in a way it will show her what she's missing. A sweet sweet happy loving happy united front family ....
Firstly, is she even
Firstly, is she even emotionally equipped to draw a parallel from your loving situation and what she's missing out on? I doubt it. For her, you're living in another world. I think the price of trying to show her this (and she won't get it anyway) is way too high. This is your husband's pipe dream, not yours. If I were to be honest with you, I 'd say that he wants you there for moral support more than to show you're a team. If you turn up, you're not going to look like a team to her, you're going to look as if you're trying to intimidate her, put pressure on her by outnumbering her. Don't go. Have a nice day at home and let your DH handle this situation. You know that she's never going to be a dutiful, loving daughter so why waste any of your kindness and decency on her?
Don't come back until you can treat your father, our daughter..
and I with appropriate respect.
Keep this shit up and you will not get a penny in inerritance while our daughter will be enjoy her life of leisure
Stupid choices return stupid outcomes. Keep on being stupid bitches. Buh-bye."