This isn't a SD issue but a DH issue.

First and foremost the relationship is first. The decision to not allow the SD to move back in was made collectively. Just because your voiced your concern does not make it your choice alone. He had a say. He could have come into the conversation with points such as a deadline, rules, etc. But he didn't. 

Which leads into the resentment, which is misplaced, as the SD should be pointing the finger at the father and asking for an explanation. Not to the SM. But your spineless DH has allowed this misplaced anger to happen and continue. 

Your friend is correct in setting boundaries but they need to start with your DH. He needs to put the relationship first and in turn put the SD in their place. My wife and I are a solid unit. I will continue to see you alone, with her blessing, but will not allow you to purposefully exclude her in major events such as birthdays. If you cannot be an adult then you need not attend. 

That is how a husband should act and respond.

As for the SD, well, you can disengage. But that doesn't mean disrespect on their part. 

Your first step needs to be to address the DH. If he feels he cannot put you number 1 then there is your answer. If he does want to make that shift talk about how it will look. What you need vs what he needs. SD needs are not important and keep reminding him of that, he will bring it into play. Their needs are his concern and not to be entered into the convo regarding the couple.

If this happens it will not be a lifetime issue. Your DH will handle the SD appropriately and your relationship will be separate. As it should be. Kids are not meant to be inside the adult relationship, they run parallel. Once their get inside it is all down hill. 

Picture yourself in a bubble. Inside that is you and your DH. You both protect that bubble. Outside there are attached bubbles that include children, friends, extended family, etc. But if one of those bubbles begins to invade inside yours, they will begin to breathe the same air. And there isn't enough. Someone is going to suffocate first then the whole bubble will eventually deflate. That is what's happening now. 

In the end.. we can't control other people.. only our reactions.  So.. yes, as you said.. you have to figure out how to let go of everything.

First order of business is to redirect your perspective on "all the stuff you did for the girls" growing up.  I know it seems like you were doing things for THEM.. but in reality.. you were doing things for your husband.  It was 100% his responsibility (and his worthless EX) to raise and care for those girls and nurture them into adulthood.  Anything you did in the process was lightening THEIR load.. Most kids don't really see that the things their parents did for them are things they need to be "thankful" for.  I mean, kids expect and just assume their parents will feed them.. clothe them.. raise them.. parents will provide for them.  Now, it takes a more mature mindset for them to realize that in reality YOU didn't HAVE to do anything you did for them... that you did things for them over and above what was necessary.  It sounds like they weren't raised to be very thoughtful.. not sure if you could have helped instill that.. but for whatever reason.. they just didn't get that lesson in life. 

So.. they don't think they need to thank you for your part in raising them.. you were just taking over some of dad's responsibility.  HE is the one that should be on his knees thanking you for all the help you provided.

And.. now.. with the situation with the adult SD that wanted a soft place to land.  I'm sure that you had valid reasons for not allowing that.. and wouldn't allow any of your BIO's either.  Apparently your DH was able to put you under the bus tires.. because otherwise his kids wouldn't be angry at YOU for denying that place in the home.  But then again.. in the end.. it is less emotionally risky to be mad at your SM vs your father at the end of the day.. it's easier to make you the bad guy.. even if your DH was equally opposed.. you still would have been more blamed. 

I think at this point, you need to make peace with the situation at hand.  These young women don't sound like the kind I would really want to hang around with.. so it's no loss that you don't have to.  Now.. your DH may be put in a position where he needs to pick his battles as well.  For his Birthday... You should preemptively plan a dinner for him and yourself.  That's non-negotiable honey.. you will go with me.  If your daughters want to take you out for dinner another day.. fine.  For holidays.. same.  He must prioritize his celebration with you..  Now perhaps you won't mind if he runs off to visit them  Christmas afternoon.. but he doesn't short change you because they can't be adults.

Only you can decide was acceptable to you. I feel your pain with thethurt the girls have caused by excluding you. I too and I'm sure many others here have given far more then neither parent has yet, we always seem to be the bad guy.

Personally, I could not be with or respect a man who wouldn't insist on me being respected and included. Your DH is shunning you same as yours skids by allowing it.

I'm glad you're back. I saw that you deleted your account and was worried about you.

I was much like you and drew my own line in the sand after 18 years. Boy, was there pushback. Or, look at Sammi or Sandye over in the adult forum, who disengaged after 30+ and 20 years respectively. Sammi even had to boot her H and get a court order against him. It's just an unfortunate fact that if you've been enabling for a long time and then stop, it's going to anger some people.

You're trying to get healthier. That's the crux of the matter. You're not an ogress and you're not trying to hurt anyone. You stood up for yourself, and those who are used to you compensating and doormatting have been affected and are adjusting. This is the messy, really difficult part of change and behavior modification where we feel torn, tugged, and/or pressured to revert to old patterns. It sucks and it's hard, but it's normal so please show yourself some grace.

It may feel like punishment to see your H leave to visit his daughters, but consider that this would have been the norm if you'd all had better boundaries years ago. You're not propping up a phony dynamic anymore. You can and will get used to it. It's never going to be like it was before; it will be harder, and uncomfortable, but healthier for all.

I've found the long mental journey of disengagement to be very similar to the stages of grief. I too went through a period of extreme anger and resentment towards my H. It was as if all the negative poo I'd never allowed myself to feel about him  surfaced and required examination. Our marriage was on shaky ground for over a year as I focused on myself, my feelings, and my needs, but the anger eventually burnt out as I accepted him for who his is and isn't and my own part in the mess. 

Again, what you're experiencing is normal for the circumstances. Sure, you'll probably be scapegoated for the faults of others, but don't underestimate the difference time can make. You're a good woman, and you already sound stronger. Keep the high ground, let the marriage drift, and do not cater to your H. Do you. Leave him home alone. Keep going to therapy, and keep working on getting healthy. Time, time time. You're in a period of change.

Absolutely set boundaries. However, the boundaries that you need to set are that  your DH will not forefeit time and focus on you for them.  Period.  To fix this I suggest a master schedule on an annual calendar on the wall. Fill it in in infinite detail and when DH tries to play the see the Skids without you card.... tell him to find a slot on the calendar that does not interfere with anything else. 

The point to make is that you and he are married, he is YOUR husband, you and the marriage come first and if the girls have their big girl panties in such a wad that they want to exclude you... they will learn that you and the marriage trump them..... every time.

Stick to your guns.

If DH can fit them on around everything else on the master schedule.... great. Do not change the schedule for them.  Make him fit them in.

I am going to say something slightly different. When you did all those things for your SDs and DH for all those years, you were also doing them for yourself. Caring for other people makes us feel good about ourselves, and somehow we feel that if we do enough of it we will get something back: love, respect, affection, help and support, those sorts of things.

We set so much store by being this great person (as opposed to BM, who is usually useless) that when all that love, respect, affection etc etc is not returned we turn inwards and blame ourselves- seeing all those years as wasted and for nothing.

They weren't wasted- at that time you did what you thought was right and you did it well, be proud of that. So many of us think there will be payback in the future but so often there isn't- the only payback has to come from yourself.

So now you are 45 and all that caring is finished. Start to care for yourself- make plans for yourself, do the things you weren't able to do when you were too busy doing things for others.

ExJulie is right- it will take time, but soon you will be so busy just enjoying those things for you that there will be no room for anger.

You did a good job for them- now pat yourself on the back and do a good job for you. Look forward, the past is a country you visited once and now you are in a different place- it is so full of possibilities and adventures you can't even imagine... start to see them and stop beating yourself up about what you cannot change.

I'm going to say a couple of things about this, but I don't want you to think I'm minimizing your feelings or concerns at all, because you are certainly entitled to them.  First of all, this is pretty much a SM's world, "Now I am a nobody and a witch because I finally said no to something that did not feel good to me."  And, "We spent so many years being a decent blended family and it's all went to shit in the last 12 months."  Here’s a blurb I heard for the first time the other day from another poster and it struck me: Blood is thicker than marriage.  That doesn't have to be true; you don't have to pick sides, but far too often this is what most people tend to think.

Unfortunately, I find that along with the SM role, too often comes feelings that you can never do anything right.  I always say you have to do with works for you and ignore the rest, because no matter what you do, every time there will be someone there telling you it is wrong or you are not doing it right.  It takes a lot to just say flake-off to everyone, including your own DH, if need be and to say No and mean No.  But practice makes perfect.  I learned the hard way, too, just like you, after about a decade or so that I was no longer going to run circles around my DH or his family with a kick-me sign on my back.

Do what works for you, and let the chips fall where they may.  Blood is thicker.  No animosity meant towards BMs, but a BM can be a drug-addicted ho, and she will be forgiven for any and all.  On the other hand, a SM can be the best SM in the world, and if she won’t let her adult daughter move back in, snap, SM is out of the picture.  Just the way it is.  And, when that happens, yes, it does hurt like hell and then some.  YOU didn’t do anything wrong!   

Let DH hang out with them on his own time.  I know that it easier said than done.  But that is on him and them.  I can almost assure you, they are not going to be hanging out together having a blast and singing and remembering the good ol’ days.  They’ll be awkwardly hanging out together, wondering how to communicate, trying to create a family that they never really had, because they don’t realize that the only family they ever had was with you in the picture.  Without you, there is no “family.”  But they need to see this for themselves.  In the meantime, you focus on yourself and healing.  But don’t hold your breath.  Just do your best to move on with your life and with your DH.  Disengage from the complexity and rudeness and all of that animosity bull crap.  Best wishes and peace to you.

Great advice. I do a lot for Munchkin SD12, and always have. But when she complains about me to her mother and sister, I totally feel like she has stabbed me in the back. I still do for her, but at a lower rate than before. And I am extremely cautious about how much I reveal of my life, now.

I can so relate about the feeling like it was a waste, with all the time and love and energy that you have put into those kids. Perhaps in time they will realize and understand what you have done for them. Yet you say that they have become selfish and entitled so probably not. And it is so true - BM can be the most trashy horrible abusive person, but she is still "mom". Dh got some horrible texts from Toxic Feral Eldest a few months back. She told him that "her mother is always there for her, unlike him" for example.  A few weeks after her 18th bday her mother got drunk and body slammed her, called her names and throttled her. She told him "you abused me. You hit me." Never happened. They would have yelling matches thats about it. He did everything for this child, and no appreciation at all from her, because she is a narcissisitc miserable brat. Munchkin on the other hand appreciates everything, always is respectful. Shes almost 13, so we have yet to see her teenage self.

I think its really out of line that your husband is excluding you, seriously. I know you wouldnt enjoy their company, but being excluded is just so wrong. You should not feel like this in your marriage! That comes first - your husband needs a come to Jesus moment, whereby you explain how things need to be.

So much truth in this thread that I've bookmarked it.

Oh that’s rich. BM didn’t want SD living with her (no space is an excuse as she could sleep on folding bed), but when SM didn’t want it, she is a witch. Great. Bioparents are off the hook and SM is a monster. I blame your DH for all this. He had to put his foot down. Not you. Sorry for all this