How old are the children?

They might fare better by not talking to her at all than talking to her and feeling like they are being ignored when they are on the phone with her. The disappointment over and over again can be devastating for a child.

Sometimes the best thing crappy parents can do for their children is stay away.

I saw the reverse situation with my DH's oldest, estranged daughter. The few times she called him, it was only because she wanted something. When she didn't get it, she wouldn't call again for a year or two. This was worse than her just staying out of his life completely because every time she called, he would get his hopes up thinking she really wanted a father/daughter relationship. He would be so disappointed after every phone call. I prefer she drops off the face of the earth. At least that way, he knows where he stands.

My ex-husband is a drug addict and all around abusive POS. To protect my son I have laid down these rules.

If my ex wants to see his son he has to comply with these things:

He has to go through treatment, get sober, and remain sober for a minimum of one year.

He has to find honest employment and maintain the same job for a year. It doesn't matter what that job is, as long as it is legal and he stays there. He could scrub parking lots for all I care.

He has to start paying his child support.

He has to stay out of jail for a minimum of one year

He has to start acting like a parent, showing interest in his child, calling, asking about him, sending birthday cards, etc.

Until he has met all of these requirements he has no contact with our son, period. The way he is right now, a relationship with him would be nothing but unhealthy for BS8, and I will not allow it. It may sound harsh, but sometimes harsh is necessary.

Situations like these can affect the children for the rest of their lives. I think you should keep in contact with her as the parents so you will always know where she is or to make sure she is living for the kid's sake. The path she is going, I am unsure how much longer she can survive under those conditions. I definitely think you should cut the contact with the kids until she gets herself together. I have seen situations where young kids turn into drug attacks because of their parents and can gain their habits just through short contact of influence. I would do it and maybe that will motivate the mother to do better,

Back in the days when my Dad was a deadbeat party guy, he was a pretty crappy dude. My folks separated when I was 3 (for 16 years they were legally separated, never divorced, lol) and during that time as we grew up, he was a flake. My Mother NEVER EVER talked poorly about him to us. As we got older (say 8-10ish) she'd only say "One day you will see and can make your own thoughts" and that's exactly what we did. Around ages 12-14 each of us came to our own realizations about him and thus chose our own level of dealing with him. We pretty much opted to have no relationship with him. He cleaned up his act when I was 19 and he and my Mom "resumed" their Marriage. That was 18 years ago now. It was a work in progress, esp the first 2-3 years but it all worked out and we (my 6 siblings and I) all have some level of decent relationship with him now.

Had she poisoned us against him when we were kids by trying to tell us how he was, trying to cut him off and limit us from talking to him, chances are we would've been angry with her. Despite who he was, he was still "Dad" and it wasn't until we were older that we could see he who he was.

With your skids, they already know Mom isn't about crap--she gave them away. She cannot truly hurt them anymore by a phone call. She can annoy them, she can hurt their feelings to a degree when she's not paying attention but her main damage has been done and a few sporadic calls won't make much difference. They will grow numb to her and choose not to talk to her all on their own. I guess what I'm saying is maybe it's best to let them choose to stop talking to her. If you and DH try to force the stop, they may resent you because they may still be in the age where they see hope for her and maybe they are still looking forward to those calls. Yes it risk them being hurt further but not by much at all considering what she's already done. It's not a visit where she can put them in harms way and its not a long engaged phone call so letting the calls fizzle on her end or theirs may be better option than intervening. Those calls are all they have left of her and to you and me, it's nothing but to them--she's still "mom" - sort of... Good luck to you!

**On a positive -or at least different- note, before the stroke a few years ago and now Early onset Alzheimer's, my Dad was a pretty good Grandfather- much better to them than he was to us so maybe there's hope for people.

My mother got married, had a boy. When the boy was about 5 or six, my mother had an affair with my dad. She left her husband to be with my dad. The two of them moved several states away and did not let my brother see his father. They believed they were protecting my brother from his father's "bad influence". It wasn't until my brother was 12 that his father found out where he was and demanded that they allow him to see his son. My brother still holds a lot of resentment towards my mother and his step father (my dad) for keeping him from his father for those years.

I agree with WTHDISUF - If you stop the kids from talking to their mother, they will resent you. Even if what you are doing is trying to protect them, they won't see that. Let them come to that conclusion on their own.
If all that happens is a phone call, let the kids talk to their mother. Even if she's not giving them her undivided attention, let the kids have that.

My two cents.

@wthdisuf
Thats a very good example and a good point. Fortunately, your story had a happy ending and not all of them do. Let me share a story. Mother been on drugs all her adult life on and off with 3 kids. 3 girls and one boy. Kid 1 and 2 witnessed the behaviors of mom because they were older and took care of the younger 2, so they were already aware of the mom and her habits. Kids live with grandmother but wishes they can see mom more because mom still calls and tells kids how much she loves and misses them. Kids complain of how strict and unfair grandma is and mom tells kids one day she will be back to get them when she gets her life together. Kids believed mom and acted out against grandma

Mother dies of aids, Kid 1 in and out of jail and prostitution, Kid 2 went to army, Kid 3 in and out of juvenile court and several different families because grandma finally kicked her out and turned her over to state, and Kid 4 age 14 now is turning into a well adjusted young lady because she was too young to remember anything and has not been exposed.

Do the kids want to talk to her?

I can see where the things she says aren't great, however if the only contact they have with her is a 15-minute phone call here & there, I can't imagine what she says holds much merit.

They have you & your DH every day. They see your examples & that's what will stick with them.

I don't think it's a good idea, unless they're in danger, to completely cut off communication between a child & a parent. Even if she's not a great mom, at least they can feel like they have a mom.

This is a very hard decision to make. I feel for you because I have been there.

My children are grown now but I got full custody of my children in the divorce. Their BF had supervised visitation with either me or a person of my choosing.

I monitored the visitation. We went to public places and at first everything seemed to be ok. Then my children noticed he would say weird things. Like, "I want to cut that person's heart out" if he was mad at someone. As the children got older he wanted to draw them away from me at the visitation.

He told my son a couple of things I found deeply disturbing. First he was bragging about how many women he was getting it on with. Then he told my son he was using meth. He said this to a young boy, bragging about his lifestyle.

I gave him a call and told him that the visitations would stop until he can be a REAl father that he was not taking my children down that path.

My children knew he was not right but didn't completely agree with my decision. It was difficult for them but it had to be done for their sake. He sent birthday cards for a while and tried to use money to get to them but eventually that stopped.

One of my children sees him very seldom, does not initiate the contact but will be civil if he shows up.

The other child refuses to see or talk to him at all.

The child that sees his BF says he is a meth head and that everytime he comes around he is "high" and is just a mess and acts stupid. Once when this child was older and trying to have a relationship with his dad he used this child to sell his mj for him. This child always struggled with not having a father around. He was about 11 or 12 and had to jump on his BF's back hitting him to stop his BF from choking me to death but he had such a difficult time not having his father in his life. Now, he knows his BF is a loser and limits contact with him. But he had to figure it out for himself.

You can do all that you can to protect them while they are young but when they get older they might feel like they have to see for themselves. I am just so thankful my children didn't allow their father to mess up their life.

They now know I did the right thing by keeping them from their BF but it wasn't easy and alot of the time I wondered if they would grow up to hate me for it.

One child said to me one time, "Mom you haven't always made the best decisions". It cut me to the core because I know it was the truth.

I know my kids love me deeply but I think they feel "I" cheated them out of having a father by making such a BAD decision in my life.

My alcoholic mother lost her parental rights to my sibs because of her "lifestyle" trust me, that didn't help her to clean up her act. I'm sure it is part of my own childhood experience that makes me say what I am going to say....(alcoholic mother, abusive stepfather, father in and out of my life, mostly out, unstable unsafe environment...you get the picture)

In my adult years now, in my own reflections.....My father did MORE damage flying in and out of my life. Confusion and inconsistency is what he brought into my life. There are TWO kinds of people in our lives, People who either build us up, or tear us down! As an adult, I can make the decision to NOT have the negative people in my life.
I am reading your post and I'm sorry but my thought is "what the hell is there to decide?" Keep that woman as far away as you can. She isn't just a typical dead beat mom, who pawns her kids off, parties on the weekends, sleeps with some men, she has major problems and issues. And you are trying to decide if you should let the kids still communicate with her?!?!?!?!?! I say, ignore them damn phone calls. Better yet, block ANY numbers that she calls you from. Change your number. It sounds like the cards are all in your favor. It is our job as responsible parents to protect our children from toxic people, so what is the confusion?!?!?! She brings dread, drama and heartbreak to these kids, which means she brings it to your household.

Now believe me I DO understand the dilemma. Will the kids grow up being mad at you? What will you tell the kids?
Well, I firmly believe that you cannot change the child's mindset if they are going to believe what they want to believe. In other words, damned it you do, or damned if you don't. So which is the lesser of the two evils?! NO COMMUNICATION. What would you tell the kids? Don't tell them anything until they ask. And then tell the truth. Block her number. They ask if she has called, tell them you don't know. It's the truth. If they ask if they can call her, tell them that you don't know where she is at. It's the truth.

But having these stupid rules placed upon her in order to see or talk to the kids is just that, stupid! This woman needs major help and rules isn't gonna do the trick. She needs to hit rock bottom and it doesn't sound like she is there. Then when and IF she does hit bottom, she needs to bebuild her new life for a few year before adding her children back into it.

Kick this poison to the curb. The children will form their own opinion of her without any help from you.

Please, absolutely don't cut off contact.

I understand BM says things to the kids about not listening to you. So what? Most BM's do that, anyway.
BM is a loser. I get that. She cannot physically endanger the children with random, short phone calls.
Do NOT set your "rules" before you'll "allow" contact with these children's mother. WRONG. So, so wrong.
They are 10 and 13. They are not 2 and 4. They have some understanding that their mother is troubled and has issues. They are not clueless.
IMO, the absolute WORST thing you can possibly do is disallow contact. I can't stress that enough! By having random contact, at least they know she thinks about them. And I know they "act up" for you following a phone call, but that can be just as attributable to their trying to deal with her abandonment as it is what she actually says. They already feel abandoned by her. WHY would you want to exacerbate that!
Not to mention, when this comes back around to you, and it will, YOU will be the shitty person who excluded their mother from their lives. Of that, I'm sure.

My kids have been abandoned by their father. He's a loser, an ass, etc. He popped back in for a few months, and told them I wouldn't allow him to have contact with them. I blocked it at every turn. WTF? They were SO hurt and SO angry...with ME. Now, it wasn't true, and I could prove that to them. Their father just wanted to blame his assholeness on someone else...me. But how different would it have been if it had been true? And I'm their mother, NOT their stepmother. We all know steps get blamed, anyway.

Besides, at your sskids' ages, there is a big (and increasing) likelihood that they'll find a way to contact her...email, FB, cell phones, Etc. So, EVEN IF you block her email address and phone number from their cells, they can start up a FB page and block you...and you'll never know.

Please think about this. Get the opinions of child psychologists who have counseled abandoned children. Don't ask the opinion of *arguably* stepmoms who think BMs are all evil incarnate.

One thing to remember c-mom, most of us responsible parents make our decisions on what we feel is best. We only have the experience and knowledge at THIS time to make the best decision possible. You cannot beat yourself up over what if? There are no certainies. I bet every single one of us might make a different decision of our past with the knowledge we have now.

Make your choice on what is best for the children NOW, not what will be best for them later. Screw what anyone else might think or say "keeping the kids from their mother...etc...." They haven't walked in your shoes, and you don't have to explain yourself to them.

When I was a kid my mom had a drug issue. My father asked her not to have contact with us a for a year so that she could clean up her life ad we could get adjusted to him being in ours. No one ever explained it. No one ever addressed it with us. So for a year, we didn't have a mom. It screwed me up for a long time and to this day I still have issues being friends with women, and my mom and I have times when our relationship is really strained.

We have an issue with BM because she calls drunk and acts like an asshat when she is talking to the kids. I would love to cut off that contact but knowning how I felt as a child I won't allow SO to do it. Here's what I can say. You are the adults and you have the right to determine when the phone call needs to end. If the children are talking and mom is clearly not listening it might be time to say ok kids say goodbye to mom for now you can talk to her again later. That is what we do with the kids and most of the time they get the gist but it allows a clean break from a disappointing phone call without it being their decision and it allows them to continue to have contact without having to go through that nightmare. As the adults, especially since she has no rights, you have to set the boundaries for your kids. But I can tell you, no matter what, if you decide to cut off that contact, it's a discussion you need to have with your kids and you need to make it clear that it is not mom's decision but yours, to keep them safe. Otherwise you run the risk of them feeling abandoned and as an adult who has dealt with those issues for most of my life, I can tell you they are a bitch to overcome.

I don't see cutting them off from her completely as the answer. You will always be the bad guy. Why not, just monitor the phone call and if she starts talking negatively, hang up and tell her why before you do. Right now it is guilt making her call them. They are an obligation to her and the call satisfies that in her mind. She doesn't know about the misbehaviors after the calls. Tell her when she calls what the plan is and be consistent everytime. Eventually she will either quit calling or she will stop acting so angry about your household and maybe have a nice call with her kids.

If she can't do that, then cut her off, but do it in the court system and tell the kids why. But, do not be vengeful. They will remember how you handle it.

Are the kids in therapy? If to, perhaps getting them a therapist that can help them set limits on BM, and to understand your limits. Perhaps when mom begins to be inappropriate, they just say 'I have to go mom, love ya, bye" and hang up. The. You unplug the phone for the night.

Our younger three have not spoken to SD in over 3 years for similar inappropriate conversation (SD never accepted me as a parental figure and tried to undermine me and cause havoc). They all know that if they want to resume contact, we will help them do so with appropriate boundaries, but they have no interest. (BM has had no contact, by her choice, since she signed them over to us. Although she posts on her fb page that she misses her babies and they are lost.....despite us still living in the same house....guess she forgets all the chances CPS gave her to keep them...by the time I met them, she hadn't shown up at the supervised visit place in months. )