I Have to Remind Myself that I'm the Problem!!!!!
Ok...so....
Synopsis: Adult step children are, for a wide variety of reasons, not welcome at the house right now. Apparently, it is all MY fault (according to DH) because I expect them to 1)cover the nasty a$$ tattoes and wear clothing that does not bare their butt crack and boobs 2) work for a living and get off of the system 3) RESPECT their father 4)and obey the house rules that my adult child is also expected to follow.
HOWEVER, after yet another argument a few nights ago about how DH "loves" (pronounced "luuuuuuuuuvs") his children and has nowhere to visit them, and me again pointing out that he can see them anywhere he wishes but until they shape up, it's not going to be at THIS house, he finally makes a dinner date with SS. This is completely fine by me as it means I do not have to put up with the Jerry Springer show of a life they live. Well.....DH is gone until about 10:00 last night and I'm thinking he's having a good time with SS. When he gets home, I ask if he had a good time. He tells me SS did not show up. Sigh.....DH will make an absolute a$$ of himself over me disengaging from his kids, but can't see that they don't want a thing to do with him unless he's handing them something on a platter.
Part of this breaks my heart because he just won't admit the reality of the relationship (or lack there-of). And, part of this makes me want to scream because I realize that if I don't do all of the work and provide a nice "free" place for them to eat and be creepy, they won't visit him at all.
Crap...crap....crap....
Just goes to show you that
Just goes to show you that just cause they turn 18 and leave the nest doesnt mean the problems are over. I think you just need to stick to your guns. They are adults now and if they cant act approp. then they arnt welcome just like you would be with the 'odd' neighbor.
I agree, they are his kids
I agree, they are his kids and he isn't giving up.
I want to ask another question because I keep seeing this on the board of women who refuse to let skids in their house. Are these houses they are banned from, YOUR houses only?
As in, in your name, you pay the mortgage...why else do we think that we ALONE should be entitled to make decisions about who's in the house-particularly our partners kids?
I can see maybe asking them to respect their dad..but they are adults...you cant' force them to cover tattoes or adhere to your dress code..no matter how foul you think it is.
If it is a joint decision to
If it is a joint decision to not allow certain behaviours in your house, you have that right to enforce it on Skids when SO is weak. All our kids (skids and bios) understand what our rules of house is. If you don't like it, don't come here and definitely don't live here again if you cannot follow the rules we have in our house. Example--Friend of mine just got new carpets, and expects everyone to take off their shoes when come in house. If her bios can respect this, why cannot Skids?
Personally, we have not had this problem, because all of ours know our rules and follow. If I have a personal issue, like not wanting to hear certain drama, I either go out for a few hours shopping, or do something in a different room of house while DH talks to SD's
Actually, it IS my house, my
Actually, it IS my house, my name, paid for by me. And, NO, it is not the only place they are banned from. SS is not allowed to be around his female cousins because of something that happpened long before I came along (which I'm sure I dont' want to know about!). SD pretty much only goes to the grandmother's house (DH's sisters have girls at that "impressionable" age and they try to avoid SD so that the other girls don't get the idea that Welfare is a career choice).
The root of the problem is that these kids had NO rules growing up. They did exactly as they pleased and were never ever told NOT to do something that wasn't appropriate. Our house has rules. And, YES I CAN FORCE THEM TO COVER THEIR TATTOES!!!! IF they had jobs there would be rules and dress codes. These are not unrealistic requests!....Just the basic rules of society. I do not want to hear about your crazy life, I do not want to see your private parts (or your new tattoes on them!), I will not tolerate disrespect to their father or I. I'm not asking for the world! Just proper behavior!