Our BM has these girls also living like pigs. It is completely unacceptable that BF would say, oh, she will not likely change.
Bullshit, she's a young pup that you can teach alot of new tricks to.
My 9 y.o. SD knows the simple rules of this house. Bring you dish to the sink, wash your hands before eating, this is where the dirty cloths go. ect...

In my opinion this is not about whether you or he cleans up after her. It's about setting some basic rules of the house. And they should apply to all children living in the home.

my 2 cents - Jo

ditto.....kids can adapt to two sets of rules, and they need to learn to take responsibility for the daily chores, at what they can handle, my 5 and 7 SD, take their plates to the sink, wash their hands, straighten their rooms, and the older one can make a salad...it is good for them and us....my own son 9 also has to do the same....he can unload the dishwasher....we can't be slave to all these people...because we get tired and resentful....

teach your children and your sd how to pick up after themselves and weekly chores. that way you don't have to do much. if your bf is too busy w/work & has no time to help you then i suggest you sit him down and make a list of things you would like him to take care off and you have your set of things to do for yourself. so it's not just one person doing everything. my daughter is 6 and i've thought her the importance of being independent and she takes a shower, put her dirty laundry in the hamper, brushes her teeth, do homework, fold her own clothes, clean her room all by herself. at first they are interested but soon love the independence. then it becomes a routine and i don't have to remind her at all. try that and explain to them why it's important for them to do it on their own and maybe have reward chart you can set up for each child. it will get them motivated and don't forget to compliment them when they do the job on their own. hope that helps.

-happy mom

He knows that at Dad's house he is to put his coat in the coat closet and at Mom's he can strip at the door and leave it on the floor. He knows that his shoes go in his room and not at the foot of the stairs... but DH enforced the rules... and it is completely 50/50 when it comes to cleaning and caring for the kids... we both work full time; I have 2 kids of my own. It is all shared responsibility... BOY did I luck out!!!! Sorry to brag ladies, but I may have just snagged the best catch around with my DH! LOVE HIM!

I think in a household where you have other children apart from the skids it can be easier because the rules of the house should apply to all kids there whether bio or skid. Kids can learn from other kids. (We only have his kids, no others)

However, my DH's 3 kids, who also have a pig BM who lets them do whatever, WILL NOT help unless asked to and I feel it is always ME who constantly has to nag them. I hate doing this. I/we made sure they knew the rules when they first came to stay here. However, DH does the usual thing of not wanting to tell them off or instruct them when they are with us. He's given up! He says 'why make their visit unpleasant'. He also says he tried for years while at home to get them to behave in a positive way but it was like goldfish brain syndrome - and I HAVE SEEN this in his kids!!! They ignore adults or you have to nag them til they don't ignore you.

BTW, BM will complain that she DOES try and set rules, discipline etc but they won't listen. The kids are used to ignoring adults, because she introduced this too late in their lives and DH wasn't there to do it.

Consequently, the 13 yo and 9 yo (we don't see the other one any more) will only lay the table etc if instrcuted, there is no initiative or goodwill. I almost end up feeling guilty getting them to help and then feel resentful that I am the domestic slave. DH tends to pick up after them because he finds it easier. I DO NOT agree with this! They will never learn that way. They don't appear to respect adults. The 13 yo will go to bed when he wants, often midnight and DH allows this becasue he 'isn't tired'. Hmmmm. . . He also watches 18 cert films and inappropriate TV, which I don't agree with. Howeveer, because he is generally a nice kid and relatively well-adjusted DH thinks it does no harm. I think the kid has enough negative input from BM - why add to his burden?

It seems no matter what rules or boundaries we put in place in our home, they are 'forgotten' or ignored. It pisses me off to the max!! The skids are not braindead but sure like to act that way (maybe they're just plain lazy). They just piss around, get up when they feel like it, watch what they want on TV etc. etc. I don't agree with this but come off as the strict one when I call them on it. I feel like bad cop. If I ask DH to call them on it, he will say he has and they haven't listened (which may or may not be the case).

I have even tried to give each kid a task such as SD lays the table in advance of the meal, SD sorts the drinks out for people. BUT they will do it once and then have to be nagged to do it again.

It is SO frustrating. We are so far down the line now that the skids just behave like this. AND if I or we 'give them the talk' next time they come it will be forgotton in 5 minutes and they will be back to their old ways. DH can't be bothered to repeatedly call them on their misdemeanours so it will be up to me!

The worst thing is when he cooks (to give me the night off) and doesn't ask his kids for help, they don't offer him any help and then I get called for not helping HIM!!!!!! Arrrrghghghghghghghghghghhg!

Don't get me wrong, they are not bad kids but this aspect of their behaviour is a nightmare! Can I send them to obedience training?

Any solutions?

you are getting the work b/c you are accepting it. I use to do the same and went under appreciated, so I went on strike, then revised myself. I adivsed my dh, ss is his child was not my responsibility and I would no longer do things or go out of my way for things that did not benefit me. There are some exceptions, but for the most part, my dh transports his son, rides his ass for chores...etc. Also, we have ss doing his own laundry and cleaning his room.

When I ask my dh "I would like for this to take place..." it isn't good enough and I'm blown off b/c my dh insists on ignoring his wife a lot. So, when things got me to a boiling point...I would say..."THIS IS GROSS AND YOUR KID DID THIS...DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT." Now, that might not be the right approach for you, but I have found that when I "tell" my dh to do something it get's done, whereas if I ask politely...well then it's not taken seriously.

That is what has worked for me. I hope you find a solution.

Candice

Understand completely where y'all coming from. I hate rewarding bad behaviour too and if the skids do something right I always praise or reward them.

Puterlady, you need to tell your guy to take responsibility for his kids and stop being so damn nice! Just dump them on him (easier said than done?) I think I should do the same! Mind you we would probably be accused of 'not supporting' our lovely BF's!!

What you said about they KNOW what they have to do but you have to drill them every step of the way. EXACTLY like BF's kids. It is SO irritating. Why are they like that? Even BF doesn't get it. he says they are brainless. I think it is that BM doesn't get them into a routine or get them to think for themselves. Neither does BF but he does TRY when they are with us!

Dawn - I hear ya!

FRuuuustraaaaaaaaaaating!!!!!!!!

My SD is 24 and has finally moved out. Thank God! I did have similar problems. What worked for me is: I never asked my SD to do something that I didn't do. Example, clean up her crap in the bathroom, do her own laundry, pick up her dishes. I was not above nagging her and reminding her in front of her friends. If she wanted to have a friend over for the night and wanted to use the guest room - it was up to her to make the bed and change the sheets afterword. If she didn't clean up the guest room afterword it was my husband's responsibility to either do it or get her to do it. If she left stuff out - I would put it "away" and she would have to ask to get it back. My SD couldn't argue about the rules because they were fair and we all followed them. My husband supported me in this - but if he wanted to pick up after her fine - but I wasn't going to do it. I didn't assign chores to her - I left that to my husband. He would often assign chores but had no follow through. It was enough for me that she cleaned up after herself and didn't leave a mess for anyone else.

How do you get a ss to wash his freakin hands!? He has been told since he was little and I think he likes to be filthy just to annoy me. He is a visitor in my home every other weekend and I am tired of having to disinfect my house every time he leaves. The kid uses the bathroom, then gets into the fridge and makes a sandwich. He picks his nose and puts his hand down his pants to scratch an itch. I can't help but think of everything he touches after that! I have tried so many times to get his dad to say something to him and he gets annoyed with me! He will tell him at the time, but then doesn't keep after him. Forcing me to bite my tongue, or be the stepbitch for nagging. The kid is 17 now and a lazy slob. I wish he would get a job and work weekends so he wouldn't come over anymore.

I think at 8 years old your step daughter can be doing many of these things with some guidance. My ss is 6 and is very good at cleaning up his own messes. It wasn't always like this. I really had to use positive reinforcment to help him understand the 'rules' of our house. For instance every sunday before his usual morning shower I ask him to clean up his room. I think he has come to expects this. The rest of the week we let him 'keep' his room in whatever condition he wishes. As far as laundry he knows to put his dirty clothes into the hamper. Sometimes he forgets but I will nicely remind him from time to time. And after dinner he will empty his plate and put it into the kitchen sink. Of course these are all things that he had to be trained to do. I think you should pick out a few of the things that really bother you and make a solution that you can live with. I think this goes beyond 'who' should be cleaning up after the girl. It is both your husband and yourself teaching her to take responsibility for herself. Make sure to really really praise her when she gets it right and remind her when she forgets. It takes a lot of patience and understanding but it will make your life much easier in the long run. Good luck