Let him deal with her Sh*t. Don't be over responsible, you are just hurting yourself. It's hard, and we try too hard....but easy for me to say I just ended my marriage.

My DH's EX is really awful also - and does it get easier with time. Not really, but we learn to deal with it. I try really hard not to be ugly - I guess because that would make me like HER.

Being married is the easy part. Being married to a man with an ex-wife, several kids, visitation, financial requirements, would test any relationship. Then when he has an EX that maliciously interjects and solicits the children to do the same.... well... it's just crazy...

Obviously, you are the better person and BM knows it. Otherwise she wouldn't feel the need to solicit that idea onto the kids. Sounds to me like you are the better person - most certainly loving, caring and compassionate.

Hang in there and good luck! Keep us posted.

Tootsie

"You gonna skin that smoke wagon, ‘er just stand there and bleed?"

My fiance's ex is doing the same thing. We had a big blowout with them around the 4th of July because of their treatment of me and interference with the parenting schedule (they feel that they are entitled to the same amount of time they had with the kids as prior to the divorce - basically expect to see them every weekend if not more and on all holidays). We decided to have it out with them, hoping to resolve problems from the beginning of the year and it all blew up in our faces. On one hand it feels really good to know what they really think of me and the situation - it's all out in the open, on the other hand it is so upsetting and disgusting to see how they are kissing her ass after hating her for 12 years. She loves it because it makes my fiance mad and she is so lazy that she will give up her time so she doesn't have to actually parent the kids on her time.

So far the outcome for us has been this:
They now solely go to her for time with the kids and didn't even call him on his birthday. They don't speak to us at all. My fiance and his dad work for the same company and his dad has tried several times to make him look bad at work. We spent thanksgiving by ourselves (which was actually quite nice) because we weren't invited to participate w/ them. No mention has been made of christmas yet and they haven't asked us word one about our wedding (we became engaged in August).They tell everyone they talk to that we "won't let them" see the kids. They have told the kids that they don't think we are really getting married They visit his ex's house and vice versa. They have watched the kids on her time and when the kids asked if they could invite us over, his parents wouldn't call us. They live 5 min from us and 45 from her. it's so sickening. I feel horrible being in the middle and worse for my poor fiance whose own family turned their backs on him (his siblings are siding with his parents).

that got everything started. His family had been ignoring me every time we went to his parents house. They went from pretending to be friendly, to outright acting like I wasn't in the room. We had also had some miscommunications during a family vacation that we joined them on. Turns out they weren't over the the stupid vacation stuff and kept bringing it up.

His sister called him up to tell him what a lazy no good whore I was and he got angry with her. She had only met me once at the holidays last year and she didn't even talk to me then. She was very obviously hearing things from their mother about me.

His brother had a post-wedding celebration several months after the fact that was an all-day affair. We were there for about 8 hours and his parents never spoke directly to me or introduced me to a single person the entire time. Not only that, his sister spoke to him once. His brother and new wife have given us the least amount of crap, because they actually got to know me a little before all this stuff came out. By a certain point in the party it was obvious that his mom was holding court and speaking bad about me. She had a group of her cronies at a table pointing my direction and shooting ugly looks. (I didn't imagine this - my fiance noticed it)

After the party, I had his kids with me at the movies and we ran into his sister and mother on their way out the door from taking his niece and nephew to the movies. They looked at me, past me and made big production in the lobby of the movie theater about how they missed the kids so much and why didn't we ask them to go to the movies (uh- you went to the early show, why didn't you call us????) By the time I returned home with the kids, she had complained that i was very rude to them at the movie theater and didn't speak to them (I was in the middle of filling our drinks when they saw the kids)anyway, that evening I had had enough and called his mom to find out what the hell was going on. i asked her what the problem with me was. She flipped her lid and started screaming at me through the phone - called me every name in the book, told me i was a whore, a liar, a control freak, that i had nothing, that she was going to try to break up the relationship between me and my fiance, that i was harming the children etc etc. Apparently she went searching for me online and saw a blog i began several years ago when i was single. She also took exception to the subject matter of my photography (live music, mostly)AND she brought up a bunch of crap from the failed family vacation attempt. ti became obvious from things she accused me of that she had been talking to the ex-wife which she had been denying since my fiance's divorce was final. i didn't hold my tongue very well and defended myself.

A few minutes later he is getting calls at work from his family - brother, sister, dad, teling him how i called screaming at his mother asking her "what the hell is your problem" - which i didn't EVER say.

he left work and we went to their house to talk. They both physically threatened us (because I called her out for lying about the phone call among other lies) and then proceeded to tell him that they didn't care if they ever saw him again, that the only thing they want is time with his kids and that they would do whatever they had to do to get time, admitted talking to the ex to manipulate the way his time was spent with his kids, refused any counseling with us, told me that i was never to set foot in their house again etc etc His mother looked me in the eye and told me that she would never accept me as a part of my fiance's life, the kids life or her life. That's when we left.

We went back once because our power was out and they said we could sleep there. We had been engaged a few weeks and they had never acknowleged it - that night his mom asked to see my ring and she said "I hope you are happy" and patted my hand. they did not offer their congratulations to him or us as a couple.

All that to say - they blame me for the changes in their son's life following his divorce. His wife filed for divorce (because she was having an affair with their neighbor/his best friend) more that 6 months before I even met him, and the divorce was final one week after my first visit to his house. Despite all that, they blame me for not being able to watch the kids. Once they realized that i was not some fling, they have been very rude and hateful towards me. Also, they have lied about every single negative thing that has happened between them and us and they have outright said that they have done nothing wrong and will not apologize for any of their behavior. (After I even apologized for some of the things I said)

We are at a complete loss as to what will happen. We are trying to be the bigger people, but we will not take the entire blame for the situation. My mom keeps reminding me that they will die soon. I guess that's the best solace I can offer you!

I have deleted the content of this post. Sorry.

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" - Albert Einstein

I have deleted the contents of this post. Sorry.

with me, and it's a big one - my fiance has stood up for me. So much so that it is the main reason his parents aren't talking to him. He has told them in person and through email that he and I are a package and that if they don't accept me, him and the kids as a unit, then they don't accept any of us. They have stood their ground too and that is why they are only asking his ex for time to see the kids.

I know that I am the one causing all this turmoil - not me personally, but me in the position, if that makes any sense. It tears me up because I think it is wrong that the family is so shattered right now. I really expected his ex to be so outright mean and rude to me, instead I got blindsided by his parents and siblings.

Our plan is to stick to our guns and keep doing what we think is right. Hopefully it will work out to some level of understanding among all of us, but I am not holding out too much hope for that.

The saddest things are that a) my fiance is actually acting like his "old" self, but he was not being himself for so long in his marriage that his parents can't seem to remember that he was ever any other way. they think he is going through some phase. At least his brother has spent time with him through the years and knows that this is how he really is.
b) the kids are WAY confused as to why their mom takes them to daddy's parents' when she never even used to go during family events when she was a member of the family.

DO NOT feel bad for how they are acting,
You have no control over anyone elses feelings and as far as family taking her side let them. That just shows you how they are; and do you really want to be a part of that?
I had to make the same decision a year ago and I wouldnt regret it if I had to let em loose again.
Explain to the kids that some people get along better than others and life is full of choices and that everyone is responsible for their own in their lives.

I wish I could sell her for what she thinks she is worth,
I'd be a millionare twice.

want to be a part of their bullsh!t anymore, but neither does my fiance, so we haven't engaged them in quite a while. I think he and I both can do without them in our day to day lives.

My relationship with him and the kids is great though - we really work as a family unit and so that is worth anything his parents can throw at us.

I do agree with the statements above about this being the first relationship post-divorce and how his parents most likely view any changes he is making in his life as my fault. They don't understand that many of the changes he made just after the divorce are things he wanted to change during his marriage, but couldn't without causing more commotion with his then wife. They are really just ignorant, small town, small minded people. They have no understanding of court proceedings, custody, parenting time, hell, they can't even grasp the simple math that he doesn't get the kids every day and that means that he doesn't have the kids as often to let them see the kids as often. It's baffling - his dad has degrees in math and physics, but he can't get that concept.

I don't feel bad or take responsibility for how they are acting, however, family is very important to me and I have have sympathy for my fiance whose family is turned upside down in part because there is someone new in his life. I didn't articulate that very well above.

Run 4 the hills...Your marriage comes first. Personally, I would do what was helpful to strengthen my marriage. If that means accompanying my DH to skids' events, then that's what I would do. As hard as it may be, I would put aside my feelings about my skids and support my DH.

That being said, I would also make sure that my DH knows I'm accompanying him for OUR sake, not for the skids. And like you said, establish my boundaries about my interaction with the skids from the get/go. I would ensure that my DH knows not to expect more from me than I can give in regards to the skids...and ensure he respects that choice, regardless if he wants more at this time. Tell him it may change in the future, but for now, you are his wife and will support him, but not at the expense of what you know is true to you, like how much to interact with the skids.

As to apologies, I wouldn't hold your breath. It's a power struggle with skids and a maturity issue. Knowing that, forgive them regardless of an apology so YOU have peace of mind. Anger and resentment has a insidious way of eating our insides out and the only one that suffers is our own spirit. Doesn't mean you have to forget, b/c that helps us to protect ourselves from future harm, but forgiving is an easy way to relieve us from negative, unproductive emotions. That's my take and what I try to do.

I know this all too well. If you read my blog it goes into a little bit of past details. On the recent home front my DH's brother came over to out house to "talk". This was because DH met with BIL and BIL stated that he had told the BM to never call his house again. Well as I had suspected which is why I requested the "talk" before I let them back in my life, the BIL had lied to DH. He said in front of my face that he never told BM any such thing which then of course prompted DH to see him for the lier that he is.

You know...we begged, cried, pleaded for BIL to understand what anxiety that they are causing SD by going out of their way to contact her with her mother. BIL agreed but said that it was his wife that did the communicating and he wouldn't stop her. What??? Yes, I said that too...what do you mean his WIFE? What does she have to do with SD? Right, you see, I have no right although I provide the roof that is over her head when she is with us but also pay the child support that allows her to have all the things that she needs and my time and energy but BIL had the nerve to tell me that I had no rights but his wife does?!

This makes me and DH so sick. BM was HATED by his family. They are all doing this to get at DH but the funny thing is while, yes it makes us all angry, it will only hurt them in the long run. DH's family is dead to both of us. We have cut them off completely. Wouldn't you if your DH's family told you that the children that your DH adopted were nothing to them and that the bio baby was too young to have formed a bond with? I hate them. I know that is not the good thing to do but I can't help it. I will be so glad when the day comes that they all get what is coming to them.
I only wish that on my SD behalf I could somehow stop it. BM denied my mother from watching SD for DH and I to go to dinner but it is okay for her to take SD to spend the night with the family that DH has nothing to do with only for spite. I can see if they all communicated prior to the family rift but this is just not the case. It wasn't until DH and I had a rift with the DH family that they saught out BM to communicate and BIL admited this as well. He is okay either way but is just allowing his wife (um..not blood) to call the shots.

Sorry, I'm sure this is a ramble because I am so mad but you know how it goes....

Any way that anyone can think of to stop this insanity?

It can't possibly be in the best interest of the child!!!

This weekend we had another stressful talk with my fiance's parents. My fiance BEGGED them face to face, near tears in a restaurant no less, not to contact his ex if they wanted to see the kids. They couldn't commit to him that they wouldn't. They again blamed me for all the problems between the 4 of us. Now they want to come over and see the kids before they go South for the winter.

We have made some pretty clear restrictions based on the positive parts of our talk the other night. They say they want to work things out. We are giving them this last chance. If they keep on the way they have been, after this they are cut off completely. We are at our wits' end.

Oh - they claim that what they are doing isn't hurting or confusing the kids, that is all me. They even tried to say that the kids are better off at their house vs ours and even went so far to say that the kids don't act as "normal" at our house as they do at BM's. (MY opinion on that one is that they define normal as how the kids act at their house - makes sense because there are no rules or discipline at either house. They are too ignorant to realize that kids act different at places where every whim is indulged than at the place where there are expectations and rules. UGH)

I don't know what to do anymore. My mom has a lot of great advice. MY fiance actually asked me to call her and ask her what she thought. I really wished we lived closer to my family than his.

So the BM wanted to communicate with my DH family even though they had not done so in the past just out of spite.

Well, BM wanted to take SD and drop her off with DH family so they could spend time together. BM wanted SD to spend the night and BM said that it wasn't a "right of refusal". Well, DH and I did some reading in the law archives of our state and found out that it is in fact. Any time a "third-party" caregiver is used the right of refusal can come into play.

We called her out on it and DH put in writing that he was going to exercise his rights of refusal and told BM that if she wanted to have SD go see his family with her that was fine but she was not allowed to leave her with them. If she chooses to leave them then it will be in strict violation.

Yeah!!! Funny how the family was so okay with communicating with her but the minute they found out that the only way they could see SD is to be around BM they started having a fit. BIL was calling DH and demanding that he "fix" it. DH, god love him, stood his ground and told them that it was not his problem to fix and that is what they get for trying to communicate with her against his wishes just out of spite.

I bet that BM's new husband wouldn't think to highly of BM for spending time with the ex's family. BTW, BM and my DH were married just under a year before they separated. Not exactly a tight family bond there. Just spiteful mean people.

I wish we could use that argument, but my fiance gave up his first right of refusal to include grandparents. He kept reminding me that I wasn't a lawyer when I was having a hissy fit about it.
He has now missed out on about 5 opportunities to have the kids extra.

He doesn't question me as much now when I put in my $.02

You will have to play around with google and see what you can find. I did this for South Carolina to see what came up and there is a free public assess page through the South Carolina Bar Association. That might take you where you need to be. You can always go to your county courthouse too and go to the law library. They are usually very helpful to direct you in the right direction. It is free for you to go and you don't have to be a lawyer to go in there and study and you can even have copies of stuff made.

First check the divorce or custody papers to make sure they have the first right of refusal in them. If they don't then you will need to file a new motion with the courts to have this put into place.

Hope that helps some. I live in Kansas and I have been studing the law in Kansas for some time now so don't be discouraged. You found this site so I am sure you will be able to find your answers as well.