Having SD full time having major impact on marriage
For the past few months (and for the foreseeable future), DH and I have had SD5 pretty much all the time. We used to have 50/50 week on/week off but that didn’t work when SD went to school. BM is supposed to take her on weekends but she rarely does.
Anyway, I feel like DH and I have not had any alone time in months. We do occasionally get a night out (if BM decides to take SD or if we get a babysitter), but it’s a HUGE change from having every other week kid-free.
I have noticed DH is a lot more tired lately (he’s one of those parents who is constantly running around trying to find things for their kid to do rather than letting them entertain themselves).
We are supposed to be trying to conceive, but simply put, we don’t have enough sex! We only do it MAYBE once a week. My doctor recommended every other day, and DH is fully aware of this but he’s always too tired.
I feel like I have to force my husband to stay awake and have sex with me! It’s an awful feeling. It’s not only about the sex- it’s just about spending time together, period.
This is having a huge impact on my marriage.
Please don’t misunderstand- I am not trying to find a way to get rid of SD or anything like that. I have come to terms with the fact that she will be with DH and me almost all the time because her mother is a lazy piece of trash. All I am trying to do is save my marriage.
Any suggestions? Has anyone else been through this?
At the age of 5 kiddo ought
At the age of 5 kiddo ought to be in bed by 7/730.
Make sure she hits the bed on time, it will give you and your DH a few hours, each evening to sit, talk connect and make whoopie.
Thats the whole reason why my parents put us to bed so early as kids. Yeah, we needed sleep... but mom needed a break!!
I think that's a great idea,
I think that's a great idea, but DH will never put SD to bed at 7-7:30. Her "bedtime" now is supposedly 8:30, but sometimes she doesn't go to bed until 9ish and even then, he lets her stay up in her room and watch TV.
I have told him he needs to tuck her in to bed and turn the lights off. She doesn't sleep because she stays up watching TV. Also, he's on this whole "I never see SD" thing because by the time he gets off work and picks her up and brings her home, it's 5-6pm.
Another suggestion? Sext
Another suggestion? Sext your hubby through the day... send him a pic of you in a thong.. a boob... talk dirty to him via text messages and get him worked up.
That way when he gets home he is ready to go... and ready for the kid to go to bed so he can have what you have been teasing him with all day
^^ This I know I tease DH
Haha this is a good idea. I
Haha this is a good idea. I actually used to do this. Idk what happened to us, really. We used to be all over each other. Lately, I feel like we are more like roommates
SD started school at the end
SD started school at the end of August. I have explained to DH all the research I've done about children and sleep, such as how they are not fully resting when there is a TV on in the room because their brains are still being stimulated, even if they are "asleep." I honestly don't know what his deal is. It's like he just doesn't want to rock the boat. He would rather let SD go in her room and watch TV until she falls asleep and keep her happy rather then putting her to bed properly. SMH.
I will do my best to try to spice things up. It's just really hard when he's literally sleeping. I don't want to wake him up and make him have sex with me. It just feels desperate to me. But idk. This is the first time I have ever been through something like this.
And to continue with that, as
And to continue with that, as the get older tell them they may stay up but they have to be engaged in quiet activities in their room for about an hour before bedtime. I did that with my sons and it gave me a little wind down time every evening to straighten the house, read, etc.
I agree with above. We let
I agree with above. We let SS5 stay up until 8:30-9ish most night and sometimes later on weekends but if he is tired we will tuck him in early just so DH and I can try to have a little time. We don't believe in TV's in children's rooms though we have one in our because of his work (I like noise to fall asleep to when he is gone) which is some of our alone time. Maybe the weekends y'all have her let her stay up a little later with dad?
I know for me right now I am reeling at the fact the only chance I have with DH and true alone time may be in January and non really for like a actual day not just at night until at least maybe May - and maybe not even them as he may switch vessels and be gone for 6 weeks throwing everything off. But you just have to sit that time aside for alone time and well sex though that is something it doesn't matter how tired my DH makes sure happens unless he gets in trouble (has only happened once) where he cuts himself off before I can as he knew he crossed a major line, and maybe it's because he doesn't get it for 3 weeks but I have never seen him say he was to tired.
Maybe talk to DH about the importance of a child's sleep I know there is studies out there outlining how not even adults should go to sleep with a TV on etc. and see if maybe y'all can come up with a plan then letting her stay up later on like Friday for time with him so that y'all can get alone time. I know that at the end of the day he is tired anyways but if she can go to bed just a little earlier you would love just the slight difference it makes in just a few extra minutes with your partner.
Custodial SM here too--- I
Custodial SM here too--- I agree on the bed time. Even web md says kids her age should be getting 10-12 hours of sleep a night http://www.webmd.com/parenting/guide/sleep-children
My sks are 10 and 9 and they are in bed at 9pm and up at 7am during the week. And I agree with the above poster that if she isnt in school yet, you need to start conditioning her NOW to get adequate sleep, it will take a while to get her adjusted to school schedules.
I imagine your DH is still adjusting himself to having SD all the time. on a 50/50 schedule I imagine you try to jam pack a lot of quality time in, and he is probably still trying to do that. He needs to realize that once shes older the weekdays are all about school/homework or activities and then weekends are when you play catch up. Its not ideal, but it is reality (at least in our house).
You need to have legit conversation with DH about how you feel your marriage needs more attention. A healthy marriage will make a happier SD... and I will second the above poster abo ut the babymaking. Try to make it fun. I am currently pregnant, and I can tell you there were weeks where it became monotonous and DH really started to feel bad about it- as in thats all sex was about. try to turn it up a bit. good luck momma- itll get better
I get the wanting time with
I get the wanting time with your child as I work till 4pm and then p/u BS so it is 5 by the time we get home & his bed time is 7:30. I have a mad dash from the time we get home to do homework, eat dinner, bath ect... but little kids need that sleep and adults need down time before bed. That is what weekends are for.
Ugh I know how you feel. The
Ugh I know how you feel. The plans for me having a child pretty much went to hell after we got back home from getting married. I was with him for a year before we even got married but the BM flipped a switched when she found out we were getting married.
Our sex went right out the door when we got back home from the honey moon. She had filed a bunch a crap in court. IF she called to stir shit up she was successful because our happy time went right out the window.
The first year of marriage was all about the SD's and court. It knocked our sexual relation right out of the ball park! Like you we needed to sex every other day and it turn to once a week, to only once every two weeks to finely only twice a month. He would become tired to stressed out over the BS the BM would pull.
Thanksgiving and Christmas with the children as soon as the children went back ,COURT!!
Spring break with the kids, back to ,COURT
Summer vacation with the kids, as soon as they went home to go back to school ,COURT!
Between the stress of having the kids and court it looked very dim to ever conceive
We would have to spend money for him to travel 3hrs to go to court so it was hard to see a doctor too
It is like this damn bitch orchestrated everything knowing she could cause sexual problems during our marriage.
Crap went on three years.
When I look back it makes we wonder why I just didn't drop his ass but I have heard so much stories about most women pulling this stuff with there ex's that finding another man not in the same situation was very minimal.
He would make me mad because he was to tired or stressed out at the time I was ovulating
It was not even back two years ago he started feeling bothered over the fact we didn't have a kid yet nor Have I ever said anything about the subject anymore and I plainly told him that I gave the F. up!!!! It apparently isn't going to happen and told him clearly once I got to close to 40 I would stop the hope. DUH!!!!!
I'm still bitched about it till this day cause I so wanted my own child. OH WELL..
it sucks but it is what it is.
The other dumb thing my
The other dumb thing my husband would pull that kept sex out of the bedroom was having the children in our beds for movie time. This pissed me off more then anything. As I thought they should have a bed time to go to bed and get out of our room but no my husband pulls this BS he does not get to see them much.
This is ridiculous and would
This is ridiculous and would make me nuts!!! That was one of the first things I instituted upon moving in. Adult room = adult room.To this day Sks are still not allowed in there without an adult, and I could count the times they are in my room on my hand.
Ughhh!! Yeah, when we all
Ughhh!! Yeah, when we all moved in together a few years ago, DH had been co-sleeping with SD and I flat out refused to have a skid in my bed. That was one thing I would not compromise on.
I will say that I am so glad
I will say that I am so glad reading these post that even with BM stress DH has never been to tired, or not wanted sex. Our bedroom is for us, and SS will come in to wake him up but other than that is a "naughty" space as we refer to it and tell SS that it is an adult place that he should not be.
YES, the full time switch is
YES, the full time switch is HARD AS HELL on a marriage. i'm going through it now too.
talking to DH does just as much good as him 'talking' to a skid about behavior. nothing.
two skids to bed around 9, and DH's body shuts down simultaneously.
he got pissed last night "you always bring shit up when i'm wanting to sleep." i told him "that's the only EFFING time left without a kid up your ass!"
*sigh* it's not easy, hun! i dont have the TTC aspect, but at least u know that you're not alone!!!
Exactly!! It's like no matter
Exactly!! It's like no matter when SD goes to bed, DH automatically shuts down when she goes to her room!
I've tried talking to him about it more times than I can count.
We had issues with him having SD up his butt the entire week she was with us when we had week on/week off, but at least we got a break the following week! Now it's like it never ends! & when we do get a short break, DH is so damn tired he doesn't even want to do anything!
Last Friday, we had a night alone and he slept the entire time! Didn't want to go out.. didn't want sex.. nothing. All he wanted to do was sleep. It makes me feel really bad about myself because what woman has to force a man to have sex with her?!
You might want to talk to him
You might want to talk to him about having his testosterone levels checked. A lot of guys will have that 'I'm all man and my testosterone is FINE!' reaction when it's first brought up, but if you can convince him to be open-minded about it, it might solve a few of your problems. Google low testosterone symptoms - decreased libido and lower energy are on that list.
Your DH needs to lay some
Your DH needs to lay some boundaries and start putting your marriage first. As long as you're competing with your SD for attention or time with your husband, he will be exhausted.
This is on him to correct. You need to make it clear to him that allowing your marriage to fall to the wayside while he caters to his child is unacceptable .. and be prepared to lay out some consequences.
At the end of the day .. if this is the way he's going to act; always preoccupied with his daughter, do you really want to bring another baby into the mix?
Yeah, it's definitely on him.
Yeah, it's definitely on him.
I was laying in bed wide awake by myself last night while he was asleep.
I have nights where I am tired too and I get that.. but it's EVERY NIGHT.
He knows we are supposed to be having sex every other day (doctor's orders!) and last night was one of the days.
It's just ridiculous. I seriously never imagined I would ever have to force someone to have sex with me. It's probably one of the worst feelings ever.
I talked to him last weekend about how he made me feel unwanted and all that. He said he doesn't want me to feel that way and that he will try. Well that lasted 1 night and it was back to him sleeping and me sitting there by myself.
I have thought about whether I want to bring a baby into the mix.. I mean I do love my DH and I don't mind having SD around (I have my moments, but overall she's not a bad kid).. & I definitely am ready for a baby. I just think our marriage definitely needs work.
Thank God I can come here &
Thank God I can come here & vent!! DH & I were supposed to have sex tonight (we actually were supposed to last night but he was "tired" so I specifically asked him to try & stay awake tonight & he said he would).. Well guess what.. DH slept all fcking night again!! He woke up at 11 to go to bed & nothing. I said something to him about how does he think I'm ever going to get pregnant if we never have fcking sex??! Then I went on about how I am not satisfied & I got so angry I said "thank God for vibrators" & stormed out of the bedroom lol I am so pissed right now!!