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Forced to Stay at XW house? What can BF do?

TJH100911's picture

BF has two children, 3 and 5. He works beginning at 4 a.m. XW works shifts, the week in question being 10p.m. to 6 a.m.

BF and I do not spend the night together as we feel this is best for the children while we remain unmarried.

BF and XW working shifts create some problems as far as babysitting are concerned.

Recently, BF had no overnight babysitter and XW had her other XH stay at her house with BF children as well as their half siblings (with her XH). Half siblings are 12 and 10. BM's first XH is a police officer and, wait for it......was ON CALL when asked to stay over. He did not in fact get called out, but if he did, my BF's children would have been left alone with a 12 year old and a 10 year old until he got back if BF did not demand to be called so he could go over.

What are my BF options in this situation? If he calls off work he would be written up or eventually fired.

sixteensmom's picture

Who has custody?they're responsible for arranging appropriate childcare when it's their parenting time. If bf has them, he needs to find someone to watch them from the time he leaves for work til xw comes to get them at 6am when she gets off work.

TJH100911's picture

They have shared custody with a FROR in place. So basically there is no custody agreement. It seems to work around their work schedules.

oldone's picture

If the children have spent the night at BM's home she is responsible for them.

Is the 12 year old responsible at all? I babysat infants at that age.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Curly due. It was 4 kids that would have been home alone.

12. 10. 5. And. 3.

Anyway a 12 year old should not be expected to babysit a 10 year old overnight. Probably ok for an hour or so. But I can't imagine a 10 year old following a 12 year olds instruction for too long.

Pretty irresponsible. I think. The kids would be safer sleeping over with BF. you say you and bf don't spent the night together while Unmarried for the children. So you watch them if bf is at work. Because their physical safety is important too you know.
if you want this relationship. These kids come with it. This odd arrangement comes with it. So you may as well jump in and see what it's like for you when you do have to stay over with the kids. Best do that BEFORE you marry.

texstep's picture

Why exactly would her BF and his XW splitting while the youngest was a baby be a red flag? DH and BM split when SS4 was 7 months old. DH and I married when he was 22 months. Granted.. we had dated previously to him dating BM, and they were never married. But i digress...

TJH100911's picture

He and the XW have been divorced since December 2011. I am a widow, having lost my only daughter and husband in a traffic accident. He did not stay, just considering options for when this comes up again in the future. Really the only option is for me to stay at his house with the kids, which I do not find to be appropriate in our situation.

Orange County Ca's picture

That must have been rough losing your husband and child like that. I'm really sorry that happened. You're correct in that you two should remain apart until married for the kids sake. You are living your beliefs not just mouthing them.

If your BF were gone all night I'd say you could spend the night over with an explanation to the kids that you're babysitting which is the truth. But he would be home until 4 AM.

What this happens again your BF can keep the kids at his home. When the kids go to bed your BF tells them that you are going to come over when he leaves for work at 4 and they can expect you to be there when they wake up. You can arrive anytime after they're asleep that's convenient and sleep on the couch.

Despite all the babysitting that the others have done at age 12 it would make me nervous. Sure a 12 yo can tell a kid to go to bed or stop kicking the cat but can they use a cell phone to call the fire department when they wake up in a bedroom with smoke down to bed level or with a smoke alarm shreaking in their ear?

Unfortunately there is only one way to find out although running practice drills would help a lot. Who, except me, does that?

I always advise childless people to not marry people with children. Being a step-parent can be a horrible and always thankless task. You don't exactly fit into that category of childless but still the advise applies. Read other problems that come up with step-parenting in this Forum. It can be a horrible life.

If you go ahead with this relationship and marry do not, DO NOT, have children despite your urges to do so which are understandable. After you are married a year and better understand what you've gotten into you can try to get pregnant that that time. Frankly there is a good chance you'll be glad you didn't have kids and will be free to leave.

TJH100911's picture

I'm not sure there are "terms". All it says is that if one parent cannot be with the children at a particular time, the other parent has first right of refusal before a babysitter is found, which basically translates into no custody agreement in my opinion

sc12's picture

to be honest if the 12 and 10 year old are mature enough they can babysit the younger kids for a little while. if the kids know you and you and your boyfriend are comfortable with it, why dont you take them if it comes down to this situation again.

Starla's picture

I'm really sorry for your losses that is so sad. Not sure what your BF can do but I don't think the 12 year old should be doing the overnight babysitting. Its a safety thing is why. Should someone break into the house, a house fire starts, or etc, could the 12 year old know what to do? Even adults have a hard time remaining in control when panic sets in.

Sorry that does not help much but I agree with some others here and OC above.