Feeling taken advantage of.. So I made DH walk home
For anyone who has read my posts, you know DH and I have been having financial issues. Long story short, DH makes crappy money because he “can’t” get a better job because of his record (he only has 1 misdemeanor theft charge from when he was like 18- he’s not a rapist or anything crazy).
He makes enough money to pay what we have determined if his share of the bills (he pays rent, I pay everything else) but somehow lately money has been “missing” and he has been short on rent the last 2 months (& is going to be short again this month) so I have had to cover for him in addition to paying all out other bills.
We also have SD full time and get no child support and he refuses to take BM to court for child support.
Almost 3 weeks ago, his car broke down & he “doesn’t have the money” to get it fixed. Mind you, he already had 1 broke down car sitting out front of our house for the last YEAR so now this is 2 broke down cars sitting out front. Anyway, for the past 3 weeks he’s been asking me nonstop to use my car & wanting to drop me off at work so he can take my car & get SD, etc. I finally had enough today & snapped.
I told him no, he can’t use my car today because I have some things to do after work & I need it. He freaked out & kept texting me saying he’s almost at my work to get the car, etc. He wasn’t taking no for an answer but I stuck to my guns & said NO. He told me he was going to have to walk home from work trying to make me feel bad but I still wouldn’t let him use the car. He said he needs to pick up SD from MIL’s but I told him that’s not my problem.
What is your take on this? I feel like I’m being taken advantage of big-time. Was it wrong of me to “make him” walk home?
Yes, our finances are
Yes, our finances are separate & yes I do check his account but I have no idea where the money goes because he withdrawals his paychecks in cash & when I ask about it, he acts like I'm crazy & tells me he doesn't have any money.
Right! I mean if he were
Right! I mean if he were paying his bills, I wouldn't question what he did with the rest of his money. But when he's short on rent & has no explanation for where his money went.. that's a huge issue.
The other day, he asked me to borrow $20 & I said no but he went ahead & took it anyway! I know it's only $20 but after all the money I've had to put in to help recently, I was just disgusted.
I'm hoping him having to walk
I'm hoping him having to walk home & having no way to pick up his little princess might be a wak-up call for him.
No reason he can't get a
No reason he can't get a SECOND job, right??
Nope, just his own refusal.
Nope, just his own refusal. Says he won't ever see SD if he works at night.
That's called gaslighting.
That's called gaslighting. what a parasite.
BM lives 2 hours away. When I
BM lives 2 hours away. When I said DH had to pick SD up, I meant from MIL's house. She gets SD off the school bus & keeps her until DH gets off work & picks her up. BM doesn't do crap.
If it wasn't for me, DH and SD would both be living with MIL, no doubt in my mind.
As far as the money, he's definitely spending it, I just don't know what he's spending it on. We have separate checking accounts & when his paycheck is direct deposited into his account, he withdrawals the cash & never has an explanation for why he is short on rent or why he can't fix his car or anything else.
DH has never been good with money but these past couple months have been the worst.
""If it wasn't for me, DH and
""If it wasn't for me, DH and SD would both be living with MIL, no doubt in my mind.""
Sounds like a plan to me.
I'd move. Into a place you
I'd move. Into a place you can afford just on what you make. That way you can afford to support him. This way is too expensive.
And when I moved, I wouldn't bring him with. I'd rather be in a relationship with another adult.
Our lease is up in August so
Our lease is up in August so I am definitely thinking about what to do at that point.
I think he's up to no good
I think he's up to no good too.. it doesn't make sense why he would take the cash out & have no explanation for where it went. He had a prescription drug addiction years ago (before we were together) so I hope it doesn't have anything to do with that. He could also be gambling. I really don't know since he won't talk to me about it.
Have you enough $ to pay an
Have you enough $ to pay an enquiry agent to look into his movements briefly? I have many alarm bells ringing.
oh dear I've just read the
oh dear I've just read the whole thread. No don't waste a cent more. Send him to MIL or separate out in August saying he can come back to join you when he has sorted out his shit. And I particularly loved the line about him not wanting to pursue BM for $ because that would make her take SD more!! Most of us would say, oh if only!!!! Please don't conceive with this loser!
Yes - First off get rid of
Yes - First off get rid of the cars that aren't working. Then stop covering his ass and make sure your finances are separate. Then download the forms for CS. Make him do it. Otherwise, you are going to be carrying this guy forever. I will never understand how this happens to independent women.
As for his record, that is BS. My husband hires production line workers all the time that have a record. If it is over 5 years and they can pass a background check minus that, they can get hired. Right now, manufacturing in this country is desperate to hire dependable workers. Key note = DEPENDABLE....
I can't even think of the
I can't even think of the word to explain to you how he is. He just WON'T do any of these things. I've been on him since AUGUST (when we got SD full time- used to be 50/50) to file for CS but he refuses (claims BM will just take SD more to avoid paying CS & plus BM doesn't even have a job, blah blah blah). The cars, he won't have them towed because he "doesn't have the money.". Our neighbor even made a comment about it the other day, telling my DH the city is eventually going to tow them & bill him (I think he is tired of looking at them sitting there).
ugh!!
Here is the thing. You will
Here is the thing. You will have to force this by actually printing the documents and standing over him to fill them out. As for the cars, call the Purple Heart or NKF - They will pick them up for free and give you a receipt. I would just do it and not discuss it.
In our city, it is a fine of 200 and a daily impound fee. It adds up and can be a lien on your house by the city.
If your DH wants to be immature and act like a child, what is his currency that you can take away? My late husband it was sex. Wrong, I know, but that was the only way to get him to clean his mess in the garage. It worked, until eventually he kept it clean so we could park in there in Chicago winters.
Find his currency....
Good idea! I need to find out
Good idea! I need to find out what his currency is. It seems like he doesn't really care about anything. Other than SD, of course. He has a low sex drive anyway so I don't think that would bother him. Ugh this is so hard!
TBH, I don't think 'forcing'
TBH, I don't think 'forcing' him to fill out the forms etc will improve the situation. He's made his position clear so that's what the OP needs to be dealing with. It's not right, that's very true, but it's not her call. In a good, normal, happy, healthy relationship, her wishes would be important and her income would be respected. But that's not this relationship.
I would, however, get the cars towed. They're an eyesore and may affect the OP's landlord's reference for her in the future. If the cars are in the OP's name, just call - where I used to live you could get 'donate' the car and get a charitable donation tax receipt for $50. If the cars are in his name AND the lease is in his name, I guess the OP is screwed there. But if the cars are his, on the OP's property... I'd call to get them towed.
I call BS...She can force him
I call BS...She can force him to fill out the paperwork. Trust me I would. No one will affect my lifestyle. He wants to act like a child, he needs to be treated like one. Otherwise, she should move on.
Well, that's what I mean
Well, that's what I mean though. It's just not a fight I'd be willing to have. If I'm married to a guy who seriously refuses to take care of himself and expects my hard work and my income to support him, his kid and his lifestyle... then forcing him to fill in some paperwork won't solve any of that. What's the point? He will futz around about showing up for court, he will futz around on everything else because his CHARACTER is the problem.
I couldn't take it. I couldn't continue to be treated like a servant with a bank account when I want a loving, respectful, equal partnership. Her forcing him to fill out a piece of paper makes no difference to this. The initiative has to come from him for there to be any hope for me to stay with love in my heart.
That's true. Even if she
That's true. Even if she forces him to file papers to get $$ from BM, that won't change him into a responsible guy. He is a mooch.
I am a landlord and trust me
I am a landlord and trust me if someone had these cars in my driveway and they wanted a reference for their next place, I would be clear about it to whoever asked. At least where we live, this can not happen. The city gives you a ticket for parking on the street overnight half the time.
You can force him to make BM
You can force him to make BM pay CS.
If kicking him out isn't an option, make his life hell. When you purchase/cook food, only buy/prepare enough for you and SD. When he wonders where his food is, tell him as soon as BM starts paying CS, there will be enough food for him.
Do the same with cable, his laudry, car, cell phone, going out...
As soon as BM not paying CS starts to inconvenience him instead of just you, he will take action.
If we were talking about a
If we were talking about a s/kid not paying rent, not going to school, not working, I'd be all over this. But this is supposedly a man, a partner in life, a person who adores her. So no. No playing games, tit-for-tat, punishment, whatevs. This is grown-up land where we treat each other with love and respect or we find someone who will.
A one-time thing, ok. My husband was spending too much time playing video games after a long day at work and after a few days, I really missed him. He was 'too tired' to have dinner with me... he wanted to play online games. So I turned off the internet. Suddenly dinner was much more interesting. Heh, fancy that. But if this was my LIFE? I'd find a guy who preferred my company to online games.
You can't fix character for someone else. You can help instil it in a child, you can encourage its development in someone who wants to grow... but you can't force another adult to behave honorably.
IMHO, ofc.
There are two issues at play
There are two issues at play here- his character and his refusal to force BM to pay CS.
The BM thing is an easy fix. Refusing to support someone else's bkid or taking a stand to stop your spouse from using you isn't game playing or tit or tat.
No one should force/demand/her expect the OP to fill in for BM. Why should she be financially responsible for their kid?
Yup, that's it - he's a
Yup, that's it - he's a complete manchild & I don't know how much more I can take!! We are supposed to be TTC too - don't worry, that has been put on hold in light of recent events. The last 2 months have been HORRIBLE. With all the stress he puts me under, it's no wonder we were having issues ttc. Good lord.
Your DH needs to grow up and
Your DH needs to grow up and be an adult.
I agree with Jsmom, his record is just an excuse.
And no, you weren't wrong. How else is he going to know your are serious?
Thank you. I felt like I
Thank you. I felt like I needed to stand my ground and try to give him some consequences.
Your DH needs to get it
Your DH needs to get it together, or you guys are doomed. You simply can't have a long term romantic relationship when you're the only adult in it, eventually you just get tired of it.
In the meantime, I'd suggest weekly rent payments from him instead of monthly. Divide by 4 and get that amount from his check every pay day. At least then his share is covered.
And HELL YES he should have to deal with the consequences of his own actions - including having to walk his broke ass home. You are not his mother.
Thanks, Ally. I am very tired
Thanks, Ally. I am very tired of it. It's just exhausting. I didn't have any kids but somehow all of a sudden I have this grown man child that I'm expected to take care of. I seriously don't know how this happened. He never had a lot of money or anything but I didn't feel taken advantage of because he never asked me for anything & he was content.. but lately, he's just been "take take take" & not contributing anything.
You seriously sound just like
You seriously sound just like my sister right now. Her DH is the same - "can't" get a better job, mysteriously short on the bills he's actually supposed to pay, gets angry at her when she doesn't cover his ass. The only difference is that they've got kids (and no skids). But my sister is SO tired of it. She asked me the other day, "How did I get here? What choices did I make along the way that led me down THIS path?" And I'll tell you what I told her, because I suspect the answer is similar in your case -
You did nothing. This is not your fault. The problem is that you kept growing and maturing, and he just... didn't. There is no choice you could have made that would have made him any different. And the only thing you can do is look at the choices you have to make NOW.
THIS
THIS
Ah thanks, Ally. I needed to
Ah thanks, Ally. I needed to hear that. I just feel so stupid! I'm 28, I have a master's degree and a career, I just always wonder how the heck I allowed this to happen. But I think you are right- I kept moving forward & he just didn't.
Refusing to allow someone to
Refusing to allow someone to use you is never wrong. He should be ashamed that you're supporting his grown butt and his kid.
Thank you, Disney.
Thank you, Disney.
I didnt read what everyone
I didnt read what everyone else has said...but here is my take.
#1 he needs to go after BM for CS. Why isnt he? When you ask him why, what does he say?
#2 if 1 job isnt enough to make ends meet then he needs to get a second job.
#3 not sure if you are in a small town, as that may affect this, but if you are in a larger city, a misdemeanor is not going to really impact his job search that much. I know lots of people that have WAY worse on their rap sheet and have had jobs, have went from job to job and have held good paying jobs. He may be using this to enable himself and to be lazy in not looking for a better job. Especially since you usually help him out.
He says he won't take BM for
He says he won't take BM for CS because he thinks she will just take SD more to avoid having to pay. Plus, she doesn't have a job so he thinks it's stupid because we won't get any $ anyway. I told him yeah we might not get any money right NOW, but the CS order is not going to go away, & she has to get a job eventually.. or hey you never know, what if she hits the lottery or something.. sure, it's doubtful but if she DID, that money would go to him! Even a small amount, it's just the principle. She needs to support her own child.
He refuses to get a second job. We've been down that road. He says he won't ever see SD if he works at night.
His record might have an impact but at the same time, I don't think he's really even bothering to look at this point. He was rejected for a couple jobs in the past because of it & now he says he can't handle it. Funny thing is, the record could be expunged if he would just PAY HIS FINE but he "doesn't have the money" for that either.
I was the only adult in my
I was the only adult in my household for a while too. (DH, adult SS, adult DD.) I just about left ALL of them, even my own, over this same issue. DH is also "not good with money." So I pay the bills, and he contributes a set amount each month. He is faithful about that NOW.
Previously, he'd first cover SS expenses (remember, adult), send SD money if she were in a pinch (also adult but pretty self-sufficient and responsible--DH just needed her to need him though), buy things for himself. If he were feeling particularly low, he'd engage in retail therapy. Including buying things for "me." Yeah, DH, I really appreciate that poster of somewhere I've never been. Then if there was anything leftover (guess how often that happened) THEN he'd give me household money.
Anyway, several come to Jesus meetings and forcing him to look at our income and expenses, he gets it. He gets that I and our household are the priorities. Not his grown kids, not his musician friends (who are always broke), not his need to spend money on useless crap. Oh, I forgot to add that I also got to the point where I stopped lending him money. MAJOR blowup between us the last time. SS was traveling to our town, had a flat tire (yeah, right) and was stranded. He HAD to send him money because it was a SAFETY issue (actually, it turns out it was a drug buy issue). So that meant MY money. Nope, didn't happen. He just about left me over that, and if he would have, I'd have been ok with it. I was sick and tired of being taken advantage of. Just like you are.
I like AllySkoo's idea of collecting his rent every time he gets paid. If he's going to cash out his whole paycheck, he needs to give you rent money before he spends it on anything else. If he wants to fix his car, he's going to have to save his money.
You are not his mother. He can act like a grown man and treat you as a partner, not a cash machine. You have got to stand up for yourself, and you've made a great start.
Heh heh. Probably not 180
Heh heh. Probably not 180 lbs though... there's a lot of hot air in there too!
LOL! You are absolutely
LOL! You are absolutely right. He loves to take the easy way out & make excuses.