I’m not sure how, “normal” it is. However, I do feel I relate. My fiancé and I are great together and the only issue we do have is his almost 16 year old son. He lives with us. When it comes to his son, I do often times feel like the outsider. Mainly where parenting and structure is concerned. When I bring up parenting, behavior issues, etc he pretty much shuts down. He also very much babies his kid’s behavior. This kid is disrespectful, entitled, lazy, he lies all the time, etc. We got along great until I expected structure and him to clean up after himself in the house his dad and I bought together. He’s disrespectful to his dad too but his dad babies or ignores it and I don’t. Sometimes they almost act like a couple of bachelors together and I’ve brought that up before too. 

It is not normal for your spouse to question the marriage at every instance of disagreement.  I am not saying that your criticisms are necessarily all valid and it is actually fairly common for a parent to see criticisms of their children's behavior to be attacks.. and the result can be a defensive response.  But, if someone's go to response is that they will "end the relationship" that is not showing much commitment and respect for your feelings.  Honestly it's immature to threaten a scorched earth response every time you have a disagreement.

I think the "new normal" of the child centered family is doing a lot of harm to both traditional and second marriages, as well as to the development of the children. We did not grow up this way, so it's relatively new, yet we are still hanging on to the old fashioned idea that mothers take care of everything, and sacrifice whatever is needed. The same is wrongfully expected of stepmothers, because we are women, and it's supposed to be our nature to put ourselves last and just serve and serve. As a result, people are comfortable calling us selfish b*tches if we even mention our own needs. Now we have to make a conscious effort to advocate for ourselves, and to remind people that our needs are just as important as everyone else's. Couples need to make the same effort to connect and be a true team. So, in my opinion, it is "normal", but not a good normal.

Husband's children were raised like that Witch hazel. They were biomoms children....DH was told not to correct them. So they went out in the cold dressed in shorts and ate junk food for dinner because they had to have their way or it hurt their feelings. To this day SS37 only eats hot dogs and pizza and all his kids are picky eaters too.

I have decided to give them a wide berth. They are only interested in bio mom and they could give 2 sh**s about their Dad. I told him to go see them at their dump, I wasn't going to host them again because they aren't worth the effort. I wish I had found this website earlier, it would have saved me thousands of dollars and gallons of tears. 

I wouldn't have thought it was normal before I married someone with an adult daughter. Now I think it is.

Maybe the mistake is assuming that his *other* marriage is over or "ex." It may be "over" or "ex" to him, but to the new spouse, it's a complication that comes with a new marriage; a complication that the new spouse never had before...so it's anything but ex.

It used to be my normal. Every word of this. I hated it. It was sad and lonely and infuriating

When he says he needs to rethink the marriage,  he's gaslighting you. It's his way of getting you to be too scared to bring up anything that's bothering you, because he may divorce you over it. That is a form of emotional abuse.  You really need to get yourselves (both of you) into counseling. 

To answer your questions:

--Are the feelings of being neglected by your partner, having your needs pushed aside, etc. completely normal when you marry someone with kids? YES, but I would use the term typical vs. normal.

--Is it really their fault or is it just the natural situation of being a step parent? NO, it is not the natural situation of being a SP. Our society has made it that way, however. There is a lot of blame to go around, but usually it comes down to the bios, bio-dad and BM.

--I’ve always felt I came last in the “family” and his children and ex came first 90 percent of the time. YES, but again I would use the term typical vs. normal. It doesn’t have to be this way.

--I’ve always felt when I questioned parenting, the kids’ behaviors, the ex’s boundaries, etc., I’m automatically attacked for being too critical and told he needs to rethink the marriage. Is this normal? NO. It is just society expecting you to drink the Koolaid.

To explain:

There are too many myths (vs. realities) re: divorce and SPs in our society. Mainly, divorce is to have little to no effect on children. Mom and dad can divorce, live in separate households, and it will just be hunky-dory, with the only different being that mom and dad are no longer under the same roof. The initial family and the “sanctity” of it, is all that matters. A SP coming along after the fact is supposed to somehow know that they just signed on to being sloppy seconds for the rest of his/her life. The bios can argue, demand, fester, and so on, but the SP never can upset the cart, so to speak. The SP is supposed to just suck it up and take all of this angst, even tho. they had no part in the divorce whatsoever. Etc., etc., etc.

For the most part, the SP’s thoughts, feelings, expectations, role as dad’s or mom’s spouse is not taken into consideration at ALL. To the SP it can feel like you are the main one being held liable for some type of fiasco you were never involved in. And, you feel that way, because that is pretty much the way society pushes it—you are supposed to sacrifice yourself for the initial family, and it becomes almost your sole responsibility to make sure everything goes smoothly for the royal family as well. Even many counselors, unbeknownst to them, push this, under the guise of, “my concern is for the divorced family.” So, in other words, what do they care about a SP? A SP, another card on the table just makes their job more difficult, or so they think.

Now, how in God’s name a SP would ever be aware of all of this mumbo-jumbo ahead of time, much less be OK with it even if they somehow knew, is way beyond me!? It should be beyond everyone. I was married for the first time to a man with children. I was older and well educated. You could argue if any woman should have known what she was getting into, it should have been me, especially since I also had a degree in sociology. Yet, I pretty much made all of the assumptions every other SP makes. I assumed I was my husband’s wife, so I would be treated like his wife. I assumed my husband and I had our home, so we’d manage what was going on in our own home, of course. I assumed BM would naturally stay out of the fray, for the sake of her and DH’s children. Yes, I expected BM and DH to co-parent, but I didn’t expect that the expectation would be that whenever DH, BM and the kids were around, I’d be expected to literally act like wife #2 and sit on a chair off to the side and look at my nails.

And, interestingly, for many years, these assumptions seemed to work. I assumed my husband and I were husband and wife, because we were husband and wife. Married and sanctified in a church, even. I assumed my SKs had the same feelings of togetherness and respect that I had for them. And so on. Then came my SD’s wedding day. I assumed my DH and I would go and have a great time with all celebrating SD’s special day. Little did I know what was waiting for me behind the scenes. I have gone into detail before, so I won’t here. But, literally it was like I didn’t exist at all and BM and DH were still full husband and wife. I didn’t expect a corsage or to be up there lighting a unity candle, etc., but I did expect and have every right to expect to be treated like my husband’s spouse, because I was. AND, as a sociologist, I knew what the roles were (and I still do).

At that wedding, there were no high expectations on my part, me not getting it, me usurping BM, and so on. There was just flat-out: As a SM, anyone, including clergy, wedding planners, BM, SKs, can at any time take your role as a wife and drag it thru the mud, stomp on it, piss on it, and you (as a SM) will be expected to just stand there and take it. They don’t even need your husband’s permission to do so. And, if you say, “What the H-?,” to make it even more asinine and biting, they’ll claim you are trying to usurp BM’s role!? When, in reality, your role as a wife, DH's wife is the one being usurped.  Someone wants it, and instant snap!  With no permissions nor heads-up, you're not by your husband's side; some other woman is. 

So, using just one example, that is the ridiculous, asinine, backwards world that most SPs live in. And, like I said above, it doesn’t have to be that way. Not at all. To me, most of the time it is a case of most of those around you, including counselors sometimes, trying to enforce that as a SP, feelings of being neglected by your partner, having your needs pushed aside, etc. are completely normal. They are not normal. No one should ever feel this way in a partnered relationship/ marriage. Back in the early 1900s, society implied that women were inferior to men and came up with all sorts “logic” to explain why it was so or why it was normal. Is this true? Of course not, but basically that is what is still going on in the year 2018 w/ step-parenting. Society implies that SPs are somehow beneath the initial family and coming up with all sorts of “logic” to explain why SPs need to accept their status of being treated as and thought of as lesser partners, with little to no say in their own home, lives, marriage. I’m not drinking that Koolaid. No bottoms up here.

You shouldn't feel you come last. That is not a good way for any wife to feel. But some men bow down to the ex wife and to the kids (especially girls) who will always want to be first and expect you to come second or 3rd. If it's not the BM then she does it through insisting that 'the kids come first'. 

No, they don't. The marriage comes first but the kids need to be provided for financially, educationally and also need his time and attention. This is something that the father has to find a balance on. I don't envy men this task. BM's and skids never feel they get enough. They are primed to want it to be obvious that they come first. Men are doomed from the beginning.

They have to insist that you are able to take that important place in their life and the minute they do that they will come under fire. In my case the SD decided that she was more important in his life than me and the BM once she realised he was not going to pander to her wants then the two of them waged war on him.  It's a kind of bullying and extorsion. Some men just cave straight away. They are scared the kids will turn against them.

What does he mean by 'he needs to rethink the marriage' ?  That he will divorce you if you don't accept coming last in line? That unless you let your life be taken over by his kids and ex's wants and needs then you will be jettisoned? Wow, that man is emotionally abusive if that's what he means.

*edit  - I remember when BM heard that DH and I were together she told him 'well, as long as she realises that our kids come first' - god knows what he said at the time but she soon found out that it doesn't work like that.

I have seriously dated two men after being married with a child. 

Neither of the men had their needs pushed aside. 

Neither felt like they came last.

Neither were gaslighted, felt unheard, felt invisible, felt like last place behind my kid or my ex-husband, etc. 

Neither questioned my boundaries with my ex nor the way I parented my kid... one didn't like the way my kid chewed his food... neither did I.  I fixed it - parented it out of my kid and we moved on.

Both men tried to get back with me after the relationship ended.  

It is only normal for someone to feel the way you mentioned when the children are not parented and the ex is not in his/her place.  Some of us instinctively treat a stepparent (our partner) the way we would want to be treated... and expect/demand our children to respect that person.  Those who don't treat their partner properly, including demanding respect from their children, don't deserve a relationship while they raise their bratty kids.