OP, did you guys think about commuting? Was living half way between SS town and the town you teach in an option? That way dad could maintain his 50/50 and you would be able to work in different school system.

I'm kind of on the fence with this issue.

I was leaning towards siding with the SS, but then Anotherstep2 made this point:

"....not interacting with the other kids and the dog when the son is not there is not going to help anyone........dictating what the father can and can not do in his absence is going to give him a very outsized sense of power and entitlement. He can not expect his father to just sit like a toy on a shelf waiting for the weekends when they are together."

I guess one thing I'm thinking is, if the OP's husband had come here and posted this from his perspective, don't you think we would have criticized him for severing the relationship he had with his step kids?

Also, would any of us let our step kids dictate how we (including our bio kids and husbands) spend our time when they're not at our houses?

Yes the SS is hurt and angry. But the best way to deal with that is NOT by agreeing to every ridiculous demand that he makes. At 13 he needs to learn coping skills to deal with circumstances that are not always going to be perfect for him.

Life is going to deal him less than ideal situations to deal with. He should learn how to adjust - not just expect to be able to dictate how everyone else must act.

I've seen many, many, many COD deal with long-distance relationships with one of their parents. And no it is not always the NCP moving away. Just as often it is the CP who wants to move across country for valid reasons and the NCP perhaps reluctantly agrees. And by long distance I mean thousands of miles not a few hours away.

My nephew was barely 6 when his mother moved him thousands of miles away (so she could be near her family). He and his father are extremely close. His mother was a great mother. but he would be the first to credit his father also for how he turned out. He's now in his early 30s and is not only well educated and professionally successful - he's a kind and caring individual.

In real life people move across country maybe multiple times. Sometimes divorced parents do not live near each other. That's reality. And the CODs that I've seen deal with this have not been permanently damaged.

Goldie, a lot of the people on here that have no empathy for your kids will turn around and tell you later how horrible your kids are once they get tired of your DH's bs distance from them and disengage too - and it won't be pretty for DH.

You guys need therapy. Period.

Yes, SS is hurting, but your DH isn't handling it in a mature manner. He's letting his emotions react without thought. It's not ok his son feels the way he does and it's ALSO not ok how he's making your kids feel out of his guilt.

Hi Goldie,

Didn't read all the comments, but I see 3 separate issues here:

1. Your DH is unhappy with the move. Even though he agreed to it, it made him unhappy. You need to accept his feelings. This needs to be addressed separately from everything else. You guys need to talk together, as a couple about eachother's goals, and whether or not you can continue to move in the same direction together.

2. Although it may be natural for SS to feel jealous, I don't think it's good parenting to cater to the jealousy. I mean, DH is not only telling his SS that it's ok to be jealous, but he's actually letting a child's jealousy regulate his grownup behavior... just to appease him. Not a good lesson for SS to learn.

( note: In our house, what we do when either set of kids is away with their other parents is none of their business. We teach our kids to figure out what their business is and focus on that. It's a great life skill.)

3. I'm sorry your children are not getting much sympathy here. They accepted your DH and opened their hearts to him, and now he's pulling back when they've done nothing wrong. I do think DH needs to mend his relationsihip with his son, but I don't see why that means pulling away from anyone else. We all try to teach our kids that there's enough love in their hearts to include everyone... I'm sure there's enough love in DH's heart to include your kids.

So, I think a dose of maturity is needed here.

For you: What do you want? What's more important to you, this man or this job? Can you try to look at him from a place of compassion?

For DH: Ok, his kid is jealous... so how does he teach him to deal with this emotion in a positive way instead of a destructive way? Does he want this kid to grow up to be a jealous husband who acts like a lunatic just to get his way? Or does he want to teach him how to realize he can feel jealous and control it responsibly?

Perhaps some counseling would help... sometimes getting an unbiased 3rd opinion helps (but make sure the counselor is not a moron... go yourself for a private session first and ask questions to figure this out before you go in with DH).

My two cents, hope they help.

I struggle with this. He made a commitment to his step children and now will turn his back for a selfish twit who is probably enjoying the drama and has another home....

Bhub bye, nobody "puts my baby in the corner" should be your response especially if the twit is not there. Some bad lessons there that could affect your kids self-esteem for the rest of their lives.

Although this has been an interesting read, I think Luvmypuppy kind of touched on what I have to add, Goldie. We can say SS is being a brat, we can say DH is being immature, blah blah blah, bottom line is this: your DH, in his actions and words, is showing you his son is more important to him than you and your two kids. That's what you're dealing with, and what you will be dealing with moving forward. And I have no magic workaround for it, and neither does anyone else. Best of luck.

Facts:

1. SS is hurting. He and DH need to get into counselling.

2. SS is being a brat. He needs to understand that his demands of his father are absurd and ridiculous in light of his pain. Therapy should focus on effective coping skills.

3. DH is confused. He needs to understand that he can have many relationships with whomever he chooses and that it does not lessen the one he has with his son.

4. Goldie is not to solely blame for this. It was a family decision, including giving the option to SS to come along with the move. Why are people ripping her apart and throwing in her face that she is the winner in this situation? What more could she have done, really? You're implying that she had negative intentions the way some of you are treating her. I don't believe her intentions were negative at all.

5. I would actually calculate, with the three weekends a month, long weekends, holidays, school holidays, weeknights, etc...., how many days that DH will still see SS in comparison to before? I'm not sure if I read about summer visitation here, but if DH gets summers and holidays, I can't imagine that the difference is too large. If the difference in time spent before to now is not significantly different, DH may want to show SS this.

Hmm.....seems everyone has their panties in a wad over this one. The OP has even lost interest but the squabbling continues.

It seems to be "the usuals", here to defend the step child in the story. For some, I suppose, step children deserve everything they want.

Having VALID FEELINGS still does not excuse one from being a f*cking brat.

Many of us (even as children) have had VALID FEELINGS - but that still does not enable one to dictate stupid, sh*tty demands to others.

The SS is jealous and angry over his father spending less time with him and more with his SKs. How the f*ck does the DH not playing with the dog when the SS is not there help anything?