Does your own family make you the bad guy?
Ok, there were things I exected of being a stepmom. I expected it to be hard. I expected that it would NOT be an instant relationship like a biokid would be. I expected to have a lot of work to do to make a functioning home unit out of individual units. I expect my SS5 to be loyal to his mother regardless of how awful she is. I am a stepkid and I have been through the process from that end myself.
What I did NOT expect was MY family's reaction to me becoming a stepmom. Now, mind you, my family is almost a child worshipping cult, so maybe I should have expected their reactions, but I had hoped that they would at least remain neutral or even be supportive of me. My hopes are constantly being dashed against the rocks.
According to my family my SS5 is an angel who always listens, does what he is told, and doesn't have a cross bone in his body. Now, granted, he has been well behaved in front of them, for the most part, because when they have seen him no one has told him no or crossed him in anyway. I am the one who deals with the psycho temper tantrums, the biting, and the hitting, and the destruction. I hate being told that I am over reacting, I am the problem, I need to change, by people who don't even know what's going on.
Yesterday we had a big barbque and my grandparents were over. FDH and I each have a bookshelf that we have decorated to reflected our individual tastes on either side of the TV, his bookshelf has pics of SS5 and various books and knicknacks, and likewise, I have pics of my bioson and nieces and such on my bookshelf. My grandmother chewed me out for not having any pics of SS5 on my bookshelf. She was actually upset with me. When FDH heard about it he was like, "WTH? Why would you have pics of SS5 on your shelf?" FDH doesn't expect me to have pictures of SS5 on the shelf, having seperate shelves was his idea, but my family thinks I am excluding SS5. I got chewed out for not making SS5's plate of food. I let FDH make his plate, I always do, at resteraunts, at home, you name it. But I am evil because I didn't do it. That isn't all, but those were some of the joys from the weekend. Because he has a crappy mom I am supposed to have wishy washy Disney land cuddle fests with SS5 constantly? That kind of thinking is what has him where he is in the first place. I am sorry his mother is crappy. I am sorry I am not living up to the super stepmom expectations that everyone has for me. But I am not evil. I have worked hard to raise my son right for eight years. I cannot fix someone elses child, no matter how much I may want to. His daddy has to put in the blood, sweat, and tears to bring him around, not me. Good grief this is frustrating.
omg we have so much in
omg we have so much in common. My SD is such an angel in front of his family and friends. Me and my son live in his home away from our home state. We had a family dinner one night now his family are good people and they like me a lot. She got up and started doing dishes. I could'nt resist the comment "I need to have you all over more often". They know whats going on and are very supportive. She put a wedge in every one of his relationships. he was'nt allowed a life. She used to come over behind me when she wanted something from her dad and start massaging my shoulders. Sometimes i felt like grabbing and squeezing her hands. It was freaky. When she moved out I found a note book upstairs and there were writings about me in. But the wierd thing was she would write something and answer herself. In 2 different hand writings. I believe she was bipolar or split personality. My nickname for her is Bealzebub
I think you have to accept
I think you have to accept this is how your family are going to be, long term. So finds ways to manage them.
1) No longer mention, discuss ss5 with them.
2) if anyone starts on you again in relation to you not doing x or y, then stand up for yourself and if they continue ask them to leave e.g. "That is none of your business...who is for a chicken thigh...?"
3) Dont justify yourself as that feeds their impression you are guilty. You arent and you dont need to explain yourself to anyone.
4) Reduce the amount of time you see your family when you have ss5, particularly if they pick on you more.
5) If you would prefer to have it out with them before you do the above steps, explain how upsetting and hurtful it is when they criticise and disrespect you in relation to ss5. Its NOT healthy for them to do this as I suspect ss is around while they are berating you, you do not want them to be influencing ss and how he views and treats you. I am guessing they will likely ignore and or get upset with you challenging them on this, so then do the above steps.
I do need to do these things,
I do need to do these things, I just never imagined I would have to. The reality of it is upsetting me right now.
LOL, this isn't a bad idea
LOL, this isn't a bad idea either
I have to deal with the same
I have to deal with the same crap from my family. I am constantly hearing how "she is just a little girl" and "you have to do x,y, and z" or "just be nicer".
My response is always the same "you don't live in my house, you don't get a vote". They had her for one weekend due to an emergency and my mother had to send her to the bedroom. ONE WEEKEND and she couldn't suck it up and let the kid get away with being a dink, but 50% of my life, I should bend over and take it.
I understand completly. Some
I understand completly. Some of my harshest criticism comes from my own family. Crazy BM knows that I'm probably kinder to her child than I would be if he were my own...you know, and his insane behavior were actually my problem.
I haven't found a way to respond or laugh it off but I do understand where you coming from. My family frequently calls me "wicked stepmother" for things like not making SS11 a plate (because he's not old enough to do that himself) or because he calls me "smileygirl" not "mom"...he has a mom and it's not me...I know that, he knows that...the only people that seem confused by this are my family.
Anyway, easier said than done but ignore the child worshipping cult (a term I will be using in the future btw, thanks). You and DH know that you are trying to do what works for you...that's what's important. If they aren't okay with that, then I personally have starting spending far less time with my family, with SS around to cut back on the judgment.
smileygirl, your family
smileygirl, your family sounds so much like mine. I have an aunt that actually was still cutting her daughter's meat for her when she was 14 years old, forget being expected to make her own plate, I am shocked that she was even allowed to chew her own food.
My FDH does that! For
My FDH does that! For SD15!!!! Serves her plate to her on the couch and everything...drives me nuts!!!!!!
My philosophy is this: God
My philosophy is this: God gave me a child of my own...if he wanted me to be so-n-so's mother then I would have given birth to him! I love my man but HIS child is HIS child! I do not expect anything of him or from him in regards to my son, and I expect the same in return...if HE CHOOSES to like my kid, play with him, spend time with him, do the "daddy" thing that is HIS CHOICE just like we have the choice to NOT want to play with their kids, like them, etc! Your family has no right to pass judgement on you and your GOD GIVEN FEELINGS unless they know and live YOUR LIFE! I would take it with a grain of salt....yes they are your family BUT until they have to deal with what you deal with and not just his "ACT" that he puts on for everyone then they need to shut the heck up and mind their OWN business!
La, part of what is hard is I
La, part of what is hard is I have always been a pretty open person and I enjoy talking to my family members, seeking their guidance and such when I feel like I need some advice. I am having to learn to be more guarded because it is obvious that they don't want to be rational since this involves a poor little child without a good mommy. If I say anything about him it becomes an instant attack on me and I have to learn to just keep my mouth shut.
My family wasn't overfond of
My family wasn't overfond of my skids when they were younger, but they were very critical of my disengagement or any attempt by me to extract myself from various messes. I echo the advice above to have not too much relationship between the two sides of your life. That way, if anything goes wrong with the skid scenario, you do not have the absolute heartache of your own people feeling divided loyalty. That would be the utter end for me.
hey try the laughing or
hey try the laughing or smiling or do like me, I looked her right in the face and said I'm not leaving , do u understand me?" and she left. it depends how old they are bu
"Because he has a crappy mom
"Because he has a crappy mom I am supposed to have wishy washy Disney land cuddle fests with SS5 constantly?"
I know exactly what you mean with this sentiment. Count yourself lucky that your DH really seems to get it. He's the one that counts. My DH is the one that pushes me to fill in for the biomom and it sucks to have to deal with the inevitable disappointment that that brings.
That sucks. I think there is
That sucks. I think there is part of my FDH that really wants me to replace BM, but I am blessed that he is willing to accept that this is a highly unlikely occurence. It wasn't an immediate thing though. Part of the reality that I can't replace BM dawned on him after moving in with me and seeing that my bio-son, who hasn't seen my ex-husband since he was fifteen months old, still struggles with loyalty to his bio-father. FDH thought he would step in and be daddy to my son, only to find that my son wasn't so eager. It was an eye opener to him and he loosened up a lot on me about being mommy to his son.