This is a link to an article on disengagement - you may find useful to read. http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

I can tell you how mine went. It works for the most part until I think about what is "probably happening" when I'm not there and I get mad just thinking about how skids are probably not washing their hands and not showering all weekend and eating nothing but junkfood.... so I try my hardest to not think about them AT ALL!! Not even once.

My SO and I get along great. Laugh at the same things, like the same stuff... everything about us is very similar. Except he loves his kids and I hate his kids. They were and still are the only thing we ever fight about. He coddles them. Spoils them. Let's them get away with everything. It came to a point where I had enough. I packed my bags and went to a hotel to think about things away from him and let him know I was serious about wanting nothing to do with his kids. I told him honestly how I felt about his kids. I don't know if it is the same for all bios to hear someone bashing your kids, but he took it very well and understood my frustrations. We worked it out that I would work as much as I could on the weekends and for the time I have to be at home he would find something out of the house for them to do. When I make plans on the weekends they are here, it is an unwritten rule that he and his kids aren't invited. He is in charge of all of the shopping and cleaning for his kids and none of it to be left behind for a week until he "finds time". It's done and it's done by the time they leave. I want no reminants of his kids once they leave. If they leave any of their stuff lying around, I throw it in the garbage. So far no one knows I do that because all the stuff they leave lying around is crap they have never noticed is missing!!

We still have the odd arguement but it's only if I let myself say something. It is hard, so very very hard to bite my tongue so much. But I do just to get through the weekend and have it all over. Fighting makes it all take longer. SOs younger son 8 came to sit beside me on the couch on the saturday last weekend. I could smell him right away. He stunk. Stunk really, really bad! I still can't believe neither of his parents noticed. Turns out he started wetting the bed (WTF) and my guess is that he did that the night before and didn't shower. Those kids never shower unless you make them. SO never makes them. So they go the entire weekend without showering. We didn't know he had started wetting the bed until the next day when SO went to make sure their beds were made and smelled it. At that time they were already packed and ready to go home. So now here was a kid that had wet the bed two nights in a row and didn't shower once. GROSS!! I didn't say a word and it was SOOOOOO HARD TO BITE MY TONGUE!!!!! But what would that arguement get me??? We've fought about it all before. SO knows kids are dirty and stinky as much as any adult and he would never go all weekend without showering... but since his kids never want to shower, he never makes them.

Good luck with your disengagement. I encourage it. It may take awhile and probably hurt your SOs feelings, but it will save/help your relationship.

Remember. they are not your kids to fix.