Court yesterday (settlement conference)
Our county has this process where, before going to trial, you meet with a retired judge fro a settlement conference. He reviews your case, hears your arguments, interviews your expert witnesses, and gives his opinion. It's not binding; but an attempt to reach agreement before going to trial. DH and BM had this yesterday. The two of them, along with their attorneys and parent coordinator were present.
The main issue at hand is having the schedule they follow (or followed) written into the agreement. It significantly shorts DH on days in the CS calculation and gives BM to exact control over his weekends, often forcing us to cut plans short, etc. The parent coordinator and both attorneys agree that DH's request is reasonable and in the best interest of the skids. BM does not.
Her response has to been to file a litany of contempt charges, for everything from missed phone calls to a missed piano lesson.
Needless to say, despite the judge's recommendation, BM refused to settle yesterday. She wants a trial. Her attorney and parent coordinator are trying to talk her out of it; make her realize the cost and risk associated with a full blown trial. We got this email from her attorney this morning (his attorney forward to us):
"Here is the one fundamental issue for my client, since filing for contempt in September, your client has not let the girls call their mom or answered a call from their mom with the exception of the weekend at the emergency room. Even this past weekend she copied me on an email asking to speak to the children. This is why she won’t settle. He won’t comply with the parenting agreement. There is absolutely no reason why the girls can’t speak to their mother on his weekends or text or face time briefly during the visits.
I am going to work on a parenting coordination order that has more teeth and see if this sways her at all as far as the Sundays but if your client continues to refuse to allow communication on his weekends, I’ll amend the petition for contempt. There is no excuse for blocking a 5 minute call. I call my children every day I don’t have them just to say I love you. I want my kids to hear it from me every single day that I love them. Every parent should have that right."
So just for shits and giggles, I pulled up our phone records for the past 6 months. In the 18 weekends they have been with DH, there have been 25 completed phone calls. Mind you, the ONLY uninterrupted day he gets them is Saturdays; they are at BM's Friday mornings before school, and returned to BM by 6pm on Sundays.
When I say "it shorts DH
When I say "it shorts DH days", I mean what's written in the agreement versus what they actually follow. He actually gets more time, but the agreement as it is does not reflect that.
So are you going to share
So are you going to share this phone record info with BM's attorney or just save it for court? I guess even with the phone records BM could claim that she only talked to your husband, not the kids...
DH has sent it over to his
DH has sent it over to his attorney; along with emails DH has sent to confirm BM spoke with the girls. He doesn't send an email every time, but will start. In the past, he only sends them when she sends an email saying she's trying to reach them.
She can try to say she's talking to him and not the girls, but there is a TON of other documentation about them not communicating on the phone. Their communication is limited to emails and texts, per their custody agreement.
The thing is, he really
The thing is, he really doesn't deny the phone time. It's a complete fabrication by BM. He is okay with the daily phone call; the reality is BM doesn't even TRY to call most weekends. She's seriously flat-out lying to her attorney about it.
It's been going well I feel
It's been going well
I feel great, actually. I hit the 23 week mark today, so I'm hoping things continue to go as they have. We aren't finding out the sex of the baby, so it's been fun guessing and predicting.
I have been surprisingly not stressed with BM drama at all. It hasn't stopped; but since becoming pregnant, I have so much less interest in it. DH is a ball of stress sometimes (like yesterday), but it mostly rolls off my back nowadays! The only thing that concerns me is the money; if this does go to trial, we are looking at several thousand more dollars. I know BM doesn't have it, so I'm really hoping it settles. At least we have time to save!
Of course there's no reason
Of course there's no reason why BM can't speak to her kids on DH's time. Just like there's no reason why DH can't speak to his kids on BM's time.
But is it really practical, stupid-ass BM, to court-order a 5 minute phone call every day for the remaining years of your children's minority at 8pm? Could your children be limited if they MUST be home every single day for the rest of their childhoods by 8pm in order to telephone the other parent? Perhaps it isn't convenient for YOU to make them available between 8.00 and 8.05 pm every single day they are in your custody between now and the youngest's 18th b'day?
Because shared custody ain't a one-way straight, ya g.d. psycho.
Sorry you're dealing with such a looney nightmare of a BM. So unnecessary.
That email wasn't even from
That email wasn't even from BM .. that was from her attorney .. who apparently is also a controlling psycho BM.
And frankly, there is no legal precedent saying a parent gets to call their kid every single day they are not with them. Nor does her custody situation have any bearing on DH/BM's case.
ETA: Their agreement states they will make reasonable efforts to facilitate communication between skids and non-custodial parent, up to and including one daily phone call. It's a guideline; not a hard and fast rule.
I know. My comment required
I know. My comment required the sarcasm font. Sigh.
I just think - ofc you want to talk to your kids every day. But now you're divorced from their father. So maybe that's not going to happen.
Ipeed and her ex talk to their kids every day. But in their case, their kids are young and the calls take (I think) like 5 minutes. And they make it work.
But I think that's the exception. Lots of parents just don't talk to their kids for 24-48 hours here-or-there... while they are in the safe custody of their other parent.
Understood I think I was
Understood
I think I was more directing that reply to BM's attorney than you
If possible, write/document
If possible, write/document next to phone calls who BM spoke with, and if you/DH can remember the content of phone call, write that as well eg. Spoke with YSD about homework etc.
From now on till court, send a text every day he has kids 'Would like to schedule a time for girls to call you at some stage today, we are busy from Xhr-Xhr, but anytime afterwards will be fine'.
Document the call.
Lawyers MAY be able to reach a settlement before court date.
IF BM brings up another issue, she will have certainly dug herself an unmeasurable hole for herself as there is documentation now claiming the calls are BM's ONLY issue.
Court will be expensive, but most likely (well you would hope) worthwhile.
He is going to start sending
He is going to start sending email confirmations to BM and their parent coordinator after each phone call. He used to to this periodically, but was not consistent with it.
Time to own her idiot ass in
Time to own her idiot ass in court. Take the phone records and smack her in the face with them (figuratively of course) while she is on the stand spouting the bullshit about not speaking to the kids when they are with their father.
Do not stop until DH strips BM of every possible advantage and then turn the contempt circus back on her and shred her ass until the Skids age out from under the CO. The only way to deal with the toxic drooling toothless opposition when they are as toxic as this BM is to destroy them.
No quarter, shred her idiot ass and keep shredding her for the duration.
DH and his attorney are both
DH and his attorney are both prepared to do just that .. unfortunately, the courts just don't even care about issues like this. When BM was rattling off her complaints to the judge in the conference, he interrupted her and flat out told her that he didn't want to hear it. That none of it, individually or collectively, rises to the level of contempt.
So yeah, he is prepared to shred her .. but he's been warned (indirectly) that slinging mud for the sake of slinging mud won't be looked upon favorably.
I just feel like these cases are no-win sometimes. His focus is on the custody modification; not the contempt crap. We'll see if being the "bigger person" actually helps or hurts him.
To round out the list of things she has filed contempt for:
1. Phone calls on DH's time.
2. DH signed up skids for dance lessons on his time, at his cost. Did not give BM advanced notice.
3. SD7 missed one karate lesson; lesson fell on BM's normal time, but she was out of town on vacation so DH had the skids. He was working evenings that night; karate lesson takes place in BM's neighborhood (45 mins away) at 6pm.
4. SD8 missed one piano lesson on his lesson because SD8 forgot her keyboard at home before school. BM's husband dropped the keyboard off at the school, but never informed DH. The office never informed SD8 or her teacher either; so when DH picked up the skids, he had no idea her keyboard was at the school.
5. Skids got iPod touches for Christmas; BM filed contempt because DH won't download Tango or Skype apps onto the iPods so skids can text/video chat with her at any time (note- he does allow them to video chat from his phone or laptop, but strictly forbids communications on the iPods and monitors them closely to that end).
Yup. Said he was interfering
Yup. Said he was interfering with the communication between her and her kids.
I just don't know who's crazier in the situation .. BM for dreaming it up, or her attorney for actually filing it.
That's already part of the
That's already part of the proposed settlement order. He even left the time blank for her to fill in the time/hour of her choosing!
I would like to add one thing
I would like to add one thing to Dtzy's response:
That the time is an absolute and if BM calls at any other time that her call may not be answered as I have just as much right as she to not answer the phone if I am spending quality time with my children. Yes, every parent has a right to communication with their children, but they do not have a right to interrupt quality time with the non-custodial parent to just "talk" with their kids.
Also, just curious, why did BM lawyer feel the need to mention that they call their own children when not with them? I am not sure that falls into "professional". I wonder, did they think that you would have sympathy for that?
I don't know what her
I don't know what her attorney's deal is. DH's attorney said her divorce is recent; so maybe issues like this hit close to home for her. She has a history of being unprofessional; she's very quick to spout off threats and send nasty letters without ever corroborating what BM is telling her. It's always based on either lies or very selective partial stories.
DH told his attorney that if this crap continues, all offers for settlement are off the table; and he won't even consider negotiations until he gets apologies from both BM and her attorney. I don't think he'd really stick to that, but it would certainly make me laugh!