can a kid be too attached and too babied by mom??
i may be overreacting, but i am slightly concerned about SD. i know she is over coddled and over babied by BM and im worried that it might affect her adversely, especially developmentally. she will be 3 in august and from what i understand, and i know every kid is different, shes not exactly where she should be for her age. she doesnt know her abc's or how to count to ten. she doesnt know how to spell her name...she doesnt even know what 'spell' means. she doesnt really speak in pseudo sentences, like little kids do. she mumbles and its hard to understand her alot of the time. its almost as if shes an 18 month old. shes potty trained, sorta. she never tells u when she has to go, but she will go when we take her, which is frequently bc we are trying to encourage her and dont want her to have accidents. this wkend she cried both nites b4 bed bc she wanted her mom...she has been coming to our house EOW for 2 yrs now so its not like shes not comfortable w us. i can understand a kid wanting mom. sat she came out of her room crying and came over to me and wanted held. i picked her up and comforted her and told her that daddy and bellacita love her just as much as mama does and she nodded. then she put her head on my chest and fell asleep. its not that it bothered me or that i even think its weird but when u put it in the context of everything else...she has never slept by herself w BM...doesnt even have a bed. she sleeps fine in her bed w us. she is w her mom every day almost bc the loser only works 3 days a wk and 2 are nite shifts. so she goes to daycare only 2x a wk, would only go one but 2 days is the minimum. we cant afford to pay to send her more and BM wouldnt anyway. she spends time w her but i dont think its the rite kind of time...she doesnt seem to be teaching her at all. she doesnt have manners and doesnt listen...we do the best we can w her but its always a struggle bc she has no rules w BM. she gets whatever she wants w BM...BM even has told FH that she will be spoiled and she gives into her bc its easier. FH cant talk to BM bc she wont listen anyway. anytime he has tried to talk to her about parenting she says what shes doing is rite and starts screaming and thats it.
also, it seems that BM is telling SD bad stuff about my SS, the one who she alleged had abused SD. SD was pretending to talk on the phone to SS and said "bye! and dont anyone. dont touch any boys." then she told us BM told her not to touch him or let him touch her. we're sure she says more about us, SD has told us b4. shes too young to understand now but she will get older and im afraid w BM like she is, and how close they are, that her opinion will be tainted by BM...we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. i guess it was just upsetting to hear that BM didnt let it go w the abuse. she knows it never happened, it was all her lie. im just in a really frustrated place rite now. am i overreacting about this whole thing?
You need to be journaling for yourself with all these details
Bella,
I have a feeling that you and your H are going to be involved in seeking custody for this little girl one day, from her emotionally abusive mom. Something is not right here. Keep track of your concerns on a calender. THAT is admissible in court (just found that out about domestic abuse. A co-worker of a victim wrote on her desk calendar things like "black eye- said she fell" or "Called off -arm in sling when she returned." Those records allowed the judge to give a stiff penalty of 10 years for battery, rather than the one video taped assault her kids caught him doing.)
Now the behavioral stuff, well...I have a 2 and a half year old and she is whiny and bratty sometimes. She counts to 10 sorta when helped (out of order when not helped.) She doesn't know her ABC's and we go through spurts of trying to teach her when she's in the mood to be taught. (Meaning once she gets mad and cranky there's no point trying to teach a 2 1/2 year old.)
My kids teach her a lot of things (some great others- well questionable of course being that they're teens.) I teach her some, but with four kids it's tough to find that one on one time.
So your SD's behavior isn't what concerns me as I feel most of it can be age appropriate, especially given her living situation.
BUT...sleeping with BM is stupid when she can't do it everynight. Sleep rituals are extrememly important to little ones. Anna and I start out in a full size bed in her room, where I read her one or two stories, then lay with her while we listen to some music. After the first or second song (number of songs depends on if she's listening and lying there patiently- if not she goes straight to her crib.) Then after either the first or second song I tell her it's time to go to her bed (the crib) and I tuck her in. We have been doing this for about a year now. She goes down nicely like this 5 nights out of seven. If she's hyper or cranky then I tell her no story/song and put her in bed to cry it out. Also, there are those occasions when I can't be the one doing it, and she may decide to throw a tantrum. Oh well, she'll live. Who ever is putting her to bed just goes ahead and does it if she is like that- once again we let her cry it out. Believe me she can wail a decent tantrum, that little "angel" of mine
So I think BM is setting you guys up for a difficult night time regime due to spoiling SD by sleeping with her, so she won't want to sleep alone.
BUT...just let her cry it out. I know it stinks and is hard to listen to, but leave her door cracked so you can peek in later when she's quiet without her knowing it. I don't see that you have any choice, unless you are willing to sleep with her just like BM does. Of course I wouldn't do that given BM's prior accusations for sure.
My heart goes out to this kid. She's going to be screwed up by this whacko mom, and there likely isn't anything you or DH can do to save her short of getting full custody.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
she doesnt have a problem sleeping at our house
shes always done it just fine. she didnt cry in bed...she cried while she was still up. once she went to bed she was fine. and its not a wailing cry...its just one of those tears well up kinda things. the bed thing has been a breeze. shes slept in bed since she was born...my FH slept on the couch from her birth until he kicked BM out bc he couldnt sleep w baby in bed. so i dont think shes trying to set us up there.
i feel better knowing shes not far behind anna BUT the difference IS BM is w her every day and its one on one. what the hell is she doing w her if shes not teaching her these things? she couldnt dress hersef b4 we taught her how...its just she is treated and acts like a baby when BM has a great opportunity to do so much w her, ya know?
its just that on top of everything else...when i put her to bed i told him this kid is gonna be so screwed up bc of her mom. and he knows. but what can we do? we have a journal of everything and we brought the behavioral stuff up to the GAL and he didnt see anything wrong. thats exactly how i feel sita, this kid is going to be so screwed up and u know we're not getting full custody from this kind of stuff. in a way i almost wish it would be worse, like something physical we could prove, just so we COULD take her away bc this kind of abuse is so much worse and i really fear its going to be us on the receiving end of it down the line. dont hate me for saying that, obv i dont want her beat but u get my drift. shes gonna turn out to be BMs daughter thru and thru. what can we do about it? just do the best we can and cross the bridges when we come to them i guess.
I hear ya and I feel your pain
"i almost wish it would be worse, like something physical we could prove, just so we COULD take her away bc this kind of abuse is so much worse and i really fear its going to be us on the receiving end of it down the line."
I remember that feeling as well. No need to apologize because I have felt that way myself before we fought for custody. I CAN tell you this...if you continue to be a "normal" non-dramatic family at your house, you can prevail eventually. When your SD is older she may figure things out due to the contrast between BM's and your house. (hopefully she will, but some SM's here can attest to that not always working out when BM is bent on brainwashing them against you guys.)
IF your SD is one of the lucky ones who gets it, then you may have a chance, a window of opportunity. Ours came in the form of BM not listening to SD's wants regarding playing a sport, or going to public school. If BM would have listened to and taken SD's important wishes to heart, we'd still have joint custody. But BM wanting to control everything and manipulate SD was an integral part of SD choosing us. Not because we let her do whatever she wanted, but because we LISTENED and considered her reasonable requests, where as BM refused to.
Continue to be the wonderful caring Bella-mama you have been. Listen and sympathize when she brings things up some day about her mom. Don't push, but don't patronize about BM to SD. These are the things you will have to do for her best interest as she grows up and starts to understand that something's not quite right. It's your only hope toward helping her move past her dysfunctional BM one day.
You have a long road given her age. I'm sorry for that. I know first hand it's draining to your soul.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
thats the thing
as much as i bitch about the situation and everything, and while its been one of the hardest things ive ever dealt w, i do love this kid and i know she loves me. ive said to him before, if down the road she decides she wants to live w us i will welcome her w open arms. im just terrified bc of the nature of their relationship...i feel like even if she doesn grow up and "get it" she'll be one of the ones to stay bc she doesnt wanna hurt her mom.
i dont understand why the courts cant see how dysfunctional thsi woman is in every way.
thanks for the advice sita. i listen and take it all to heart...all of the wise words youve given me!