Bloody DH's!
Fed up with my DH and wanted to vent!
We have got to the financial part of the divorce (which I am dealing with as I have the knowledge and experience). However, HE has the temerity to whinge that HE is under pressure and HE takes it all out on ME! (They have been separated for years before you say he is upset about leaving, and he dislikes her intensly).
I too work long hours, have pressures and have to deal with HIS shit too! I have pointed out that he would be far poorer if the lawyer dealt with all this and that he should appreciate having a partner who supports him and helps him. All I get in response is him saying that he does but then acting like an argumentative grouch and blaming ME! If tackled he says he just wants the divorce to be over with. Don't we all!!
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with a self-indulgent DH who can't see the wood for the trees? This seems to be affecting not only his personality but our relationship too.
I've tried ignoring him, confronting him, challenging him, telling him that he is upsetting me and making me angry etc etc.
Perhaps I should just leave him to get over it!
Any adivce?? You must have been there too ladies! 
Welcome to my world....
Sometimes we all make decisions that "feel good" or "feel right" at the time and don't realize until later how much they've hurt someone we love. Men are notoriously guilty of this because LITERALLY and biologically, their brains are focused on "solution" rather than "feelings." Does that make US feel better? Hell no! You must communicate with him (conversations are better without weapons - tried it once and it worked!) but keep those lines of communication open. (I'm currently trying to cut back on all of the conversations beginning with the words: "Are you crazy?...What were you thinking?" .... and ending with the words: "Of course I understand DEAR... YOU'RE AN IDIOT!") But truly, conversations having to do with HIS "EX" are probably always going to be more heated, at least on my part.
I've also learned that the more upset I am when I approach my WONDERFUL husband (he's standing behind me) the more he tends to withhold potential adverse information from me, pertaining to her. (Not a good thing.) I want my WONDERFUL husband to be open and "free" to discuss ANY issue that makes him look like an idiot.)
My point, (sorry so winded) is that we have to let them know how we feel, what makes us hurt, what makes us tick, and why certain things are inappropriate without making them feel like they are ALWAYS screwing up. It's unfortunate that they didn't know all this BEFORE the check cleared, and we are put in the uncomfortable and vulnerable position of having to TELL THEM.
It will get better. You sound like a wonderful wife - certainly more understanding and more tolerant than I could ever be. Obviously skids love you, which is an incredibly wonderful thing in itself. I'm sorry you were so sad this morning. But take a prideful moment and smile for yourself. You deserve it!
Hang in there.
Tootsie
"You gonna skin that smoke wagon, ‘er just stand there and bleed?"
Hey, tootsie...
I just hand my DH a DUM DUM lollipop... gets him stumped everytime... lol.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
ha ha
Stepmom, that's funny! I am going to go buy a big pack. Maybe enough for me too
Run -- In premarital counseling, it became very clear to me (when the counselor pounded me with it until stars started swimming in circles around my head) that some men--incl. my DH--put A LOT of emotional investment into money, in a way and for reasons that my brain can't quite comprehend. I mean, I understand attaching emotions to money but this was something different altogether--I almost want to say that it's a mars/venus thing although maybe there's some ladies who are that deeply connected to money. Anyway, maybe your DH is one of those guys and being attacked on a money front is just his deep personal trigger issue in a way that something else might be a deep personal trigger issue for you? For me, it's being betrayed/abandoned. Let's not go there. For my DH, it's money. Go figure. Maybe yours too?
Once I realized that, for my DH now, 90% of the time he's upset about a money issue (and ESPECIALLY when it involves handing $ to the ex) even if he's being totally unreasonable and even if I have needs too, I try to back off. And then later I remind him he OWES me to back off when he hits one of my trigger issues, regardless of how unreasonable, unfair, or lunatic I am being.
Thanks
Thanks for that ladies but not quite sure how that fits my situation.
Unfortunately Tootsie - skids don't love me as my relationship withthem has been all but destroyed by the ex. That's a whole other story. Thanks for your kind words anyway
Gwen, take you point re: trigger issues but everything that involves any pressure seems to trigger the DH! LOL.
Keep trying, I'm all ears for those solutions!
Happy Easter everyone!
Don't let him get screwed!
I'm having to live with the mistakes my dh made when divorcing his ex because it was dragged out and he just wanted it over!
Now, my dh is required (as per the divorce decree) to pay monthly on a $200K life insurance policy with BM as the sole beneficiary!! This is in effect until SS is 21! That is 6 times his annual salary plus she would receive social security if anything happened to him.
We can't afford to have that kind of insurance with each other as the beneficiary. Me and my 2 boys would be in a world of hurt. Plus, we pay $50/month just to keep the friggin policy current!
This is JUST one of the mistakes he made in order to get her to sign the damn papers.
Hopefully, if your DH won't listen to you, maybe he'll listen to other men's horror stories.
Good luck!
Call a few
Laywers and get them to e-mail you a quote, then show him how much poorer he would be.
As for the attitude, when he starts that, just point to the door and tell him that him and his attitude can hit the road, you know, the one that goes anywhere but back to you, if he can't change it and while you're on the subject, ask him how long it would take to start all over again because that's what he'll have to do if he keeps taking you for granted and treating you like an emotional punching bag.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.
I haven't been through divorce....
But I have been where hubby is taking his crap out on me and he couldn't see that. When SS decided recently to stop visiting, DH was a monster, compared to his usual self. I understand that he was stressed and hurting but I was hurting too. He was grouchy and short tempered and just went to bed early to think no doubt, but I just left him to it. After trying to get through by telling him he was making me angry with his attitude, upsetting me when I was trying to support him, I realised he wasn't really listening because he was swimming with his own anger and heartache.
It sounds to me like you don't want to leave him as you didn't mention being that far gone but I wouldn't have left my hubby either as I was there picking up his crap as he walked forward. But thats just it, they move forward and gentle reminding that you are not there to take this shit out on but to support him, as it moves forward (the divorce) so will he, just give him a little space to be angry for a while and try not to take it to heart. When it's over and he looks back on how he treated you, remember hindsight 20/20 and all. You will both be fine and he will see then how you supported him and hopefully apologise and thank you for being there for him.
Catch xx
Why are you owning his crap?????
I will be to the point, why are you owing his crap....let him deal with it....and go to the spa and relax....this is the biggest injustic any new wife can do particularly to herself....if you carry his bags your back will get sore....easy for me to say, I ended my marriage recently as I couldn't handle all this crap.....and I come back to this board as a good reminder of the crap I am free of now....
Good Luck....
Thanks
Tertwos, I know you've walked this mile before so I respect your opinion and you are absolutely right here. I have nowhere else to go with any of this but to look after MY emotions and MY sanity. (Thanks EVERYONE for your advice by the way).
I AM overly responsible and I have started to accept that. It's time to give that up now and quit getting annoyed about his attitude, his family and his baggage. I'm going to start living for ME. Thing is he totally takes (took?) for granted my support and my help. Now the price he will pay is that it is no longer available. What I will hopefully gain is decreased stress levels. Sad for me that my partner can't see MY side of things and as usual I have to pander to HIS crap and HIS viewpoints. I guess I will never get my happily ever after but hey - such is life. Sigh.
Sure I will be called an unsupportive partner etc but it is HIS fault that he took all my emotional support for granted. He has now shown me that he is not prepared to return my loyalty and will still enable the BM and his parents to be diesrespectful and inappropriate. I am tired of dealing with HIS crap. I am tired of being the scapegoat. I refuse to engage any longer.
After all I have done he still says 'I don't see how it affects you'. Well buddy - you know what? It doesn't anymore coz YOU can deal with all the crap while I will be hanging out with friends and enjoying the fact that these are not MY responsibilities or battles to fight. It may take some learning on my part but that's just part of an SM's life!!
This may not work and I may well be packing my bags in a few weeks or months but it's all part fo the process and I can't churn myself up being Mrs Reliable while he backs down and is WEAK. He may be prepared to be treated like that be I AM NOT!!!
All this is down to BM stirring AGAIN!!!!! Tired of this BS.
Anyone else fought this battle? It's a toughie. . . My name is Run 4 the hills and I am an over responsible SM. LOL