Annoyed @ Evil Stepmother Stereotype

Forums:

My SD is little more than an annoyance. She and I used to have a good relationship, but it's gone to crap. It's really frustrating and I have no one to talk to about anything that goes on (she's very rude to me).

I've disengaged. My mom, who is one of my few confidents, now believes I'm the evil stepmother. Nothing I do is good enough, nothing I do is right. If I say anything negative about SD, she says that my relationship with DH is doomed She would do things differently. She tends to overcompensate about SD with DH because SD doesn't want to be around and treats DH like crap, too.

Does anyone else have other people in their life that treat them as if they are the evil stepmother even though it's clear that you are not?

Thankfully no one does. If

Thankfully no one does. If any of them think it, then they are keeping it to themselves.

Oooh, I need to do that,

Oooh, I need to do that, thank you for the tip.

Same same! I'm glad I'm not

Same same! I'm glad I'm not the only one.

My sisters once gave me crap

My sisters once gave me crap about a decision I made regarding my older, estranged SD (not the one I talk about on here). They weren't living it, so it was not for them to judge.

People are different and do different things in various situations. Sure, perhaps my sisters would have done things differently in the exact situation that I was in, but so what? I am not them.

Maybe your mom would do something different, again, so what? Doesn't mean it would work or be the RIGHT thing. Overcompensating almost never works out in the end.

I was, and am not, the world's greatest stepmother but that was not my goal, that is not why I'm with my DH. I also have not been the worst stepmother, so....

Interestingly, I asked her

Interestingly, I asked her WHAT she would do differently and she had no answer. So she really wouldn't do anything any differently.

I told her about the overcompensating and she sees how it's hurtful.

I like that...you didn't marry DH to be a great stepmom. I need to tell people that!

Recently I sent the following

Recently I sent the following to my mother - although I think she actually meant well. She thought I should be engaged more then "maybe" the teenage girls might like me.

This took a lot of pressure off, but now she just wants me to get out of the relationship after seeing the studies below. The chances of creating a strong bond are dismal at best, and really most problems or friction are a reflection of the children's relationship with their mother and father. It has nothing to do with you.

-------------

When there is a loyalty bind, nothing's worse than stepmom bending over backwards to win the kids over. Drs. Larry Ganong and Marilyn Coleman found that such stepchildren and adult stepchildren are especially rejecting of a stepmother they find warm and appealing, as she elicits tremendously conflicted feelings.

Study of families who divorced and remarried, preteen and teen girls especially described the stepparent as an interloper in their world and an obstacle to intimacy with dad. A stepmother may encounter particularly fierce resistance from a teen girl, both because she is close to her father, and because teen girls tend to model the feelings and attitudes of their mothers.

------------

There is controversial research by E. Mavis Hetherington that states if a brand new stepmother enters a family with stepdaughters ages 12 to 17, the divorce rates shoots up to 99%. This research does not include families in which the stepmother entered the family when the children are young.

----------------

It's hardest for stepmothers. The longitudinal studies of stepfamily life by psychologists James Bray and Mavis Hetherington and sociologist Constance Ahrons show that kids of all ages resent getting a stepmother more than getting a stepfather, and that they resent her for longer. In Hetherington's study, less than 20% of adult stepchildren said they felt close to their stepmothers. And while more than half of adult stepkids told Ahrons they were happy about mom remarrying, less than 30% were happy that daddy had. Finally, the longitudinal studies and interviews I did for my own book suggest that you don't have to be a "homewrecker" to be resented: regardless of how the previous union ended, a stepmother is likely to be the lightning rod for his kids' unhappiness and anger that their parents broke up.

-----------

What makes it harder for a stepchild to accept a stepmother? What builds a stepchild's resentment of "dad's new wife"? If you think it's her own wickedness of just plain lack of trying, guess again. It may have more to do with the children's mother than anything the stepmother is doing or not doing. According to researchers including Mavis Hetherington and Constance Ahrons, after a divorce women experience more resentment and anger, and experience it for longer, than do men, who are more likely to nurture fantasies of reconciliation and work for "smooth sailing" with an ex spouse. Based on her 30-year Virginia Longitudinal Study of life post-divorce, Hetherington concludes that stepmothers are frequently singled out for very bad treatment indeed by stepchildren who pick up on their mother's anger and resentment and become her proxy in their father's household. As more than one adult stepchild told me, "My mom wouldn't like it if my stepmom and I were close." Often, a stepchild who "hates" stepmom feels that in doing so she is expressing solidarity with her mother. This is why they were so "offended" that you stated I treated you better than anyone else IMO. If mom would explicitly give her permission to like her stepmother, and let her know that being nasty to stepmom is not an option, the behavior, and the resentment it stems from, would likely vanish.

Girls, young women, and adult women in particular are likely to model their mother's feelings and behaviors and subscribe to her beliefs regarding her divorce from their father. This fact, plus the fact of an ex-wife's resentment of her husband repartnering, often fuels the fire of a stepdaughter's hostility toward her stepmother.

Great article! Thank

Great article! Thank you!

Thank Gawd I don't have SDs.

This is fantastic. Where is

This is fantastic. Where is it from?

Got that right, redcartoon.

Got that right, redcartoon. Good to see the real truth about what a step-parent’s world is like getting out there. For some reason, everyone always thinks they can tell a SM how to do her job. Mainly, because, as one OP often puts it, SMs are the universal punching bag. So, bio-parents, grandparents, sisters, brothers, Sks, heck even SKs’ girlfriends and boyfriends, all think they get to take a crack at telling SM how she should be acting. In reality, it is a completely different world. It is like a medical assistant trying to tell a surgeon how to do their job. No one would take that seriously. But, in the backwards SM world, everyone can tell her how to do her job. Even SS’s ex-girlfriend from three years ago would be given more authority.

Experts are just starting to realize what all of the older posters on this board have known for years--a SM's success all comes down to a decent BM and a supportive DH. It comes down to the bios. "Stepchildren and adult stepchildren are especially rejecting of a stepmother they find warm and appealing." Yep, no surprise there.

I'll be interesting to see what the "experts" suggest for solutions? Ex-husband needs to become a eunuch after the divorce? Don't know? It sure won't be BM or adult SKs changing their behavior, because we all know they never do anything wrong.

DH, SIL and ss26 all painted

DH, SIL and ss26 all painted me as the evil sm because I wouldn't allow ss30 to live with and mooch off of us. I've learned not to say anything negative, or make an observation even if it is the truth about the ss's.

"Disengage...they have a mother and a father," is my mantra.

Oh, you are evil. Why don't

Oh, you are evil. Why don't you want to support a 30 year old man? ! Don't most 30 year Olds have their own place and most likely supporting their underage kids?

Or some 30year old SSs find

Or some 30year old SSs find women to mooch off of. Now he has an "anchor baby" with the current "provider", and it will be more complicated for the GF to kick him out.

It's her house, her car, she has the only job - but she looooooves him. But she's getting pissed that he gets drunk every night. It's been that way since the day she met him. (and for many years prior)

The GF thinks I am evil. I so do not care. I wear the label "Evil Step Mom" with pride although I prefer "Totally Disinterested Woman Who Has No Connection".

Not this 30 yr old. He's

Not this 30 yr old. He's bounced between his two childless aunts and is now back living with mommy. He has a gf, though I don't know what she sees in him.

In 8 years, this will be my

In 8 years, this will be my SS (except he will have been living with BM the entire time).

Yep, everyone's an expert...

Yep, everyone's an expert... and it's funny because there's no way to win: From my MIL over the years:

"You need to act more like their mom" (absolutely not, I never did this, and I never will--and we have a tight bond because I didnt do that).
"You need to stop acting like you're their mother." (make up your mind).
"You need to let dad do the heavy lifting." (ok)
"Don't let him get away with that." (make up your mind)
"Your bio kid needs to be less bossy to your SKIDS." (isn't that a bossy thing to be telling me?)
"You need to stop giving them store bought food." (where am I supposed to buy the food? btw, I do cook, and buy trader joe's organic food, in fact the entire family is following a dye-free, preservative-free, organic diet in order to help SS10)
"You need to let me give them candy and juice." (ah... so I have to be a saint, but you can give out candy).
"You need to cook more". (thanks, I do... just not your ethnic food).
"You need to let me cook more for you." (nope, go back home)
"You guys scrutinize your kids too much." (yep, like you're doing to us?)

I actually thought about disengaging from my SKIDS, but instead I disengaged from MIL and BM, and I am pushing the heavy lifting onto DH. This has been working well (although it's only been 2 weeks).

Luckily, my mom realizes how much work I do, how hard it is, and how frustrating. She never criticizes us. She just hugs me and feels bad for me. I'm sorry your mom hasn't been understanding... that would be rough on me.