Am I wrong to get frustrated about this?
I've told FDH that he needs to make it a point when we are skid free, to not be involved with skid. This includes endless calls and texts with drama from BM. This includes random phone calls bc mini wife wants to see what Daddyyyy is up to, and demand things from him next time she sees him. Emergencies come up, I fully expect him to be involved with skid if something happens, I'm not a monster, but does he need to disrupt our time so mini wife can tell him to make sure he brings MY cat (we don't live together, my cat is at my place, I've posted this on another thread) to school to pick her up? We have plenty of time apart from each other where he could talk to his daughter, we don't get a ton of time together though.
Well today I met my FDH for lunch, and almost the entire time was spent figuring out that his daughter (7) was home "sick" from school. BM told FDH, "Can you call the school for me? I don't have the number saved and I don't want to use my data to look up the number." Mind you, it's 12:30pm and the child hasn't been in school all day, why wouldn't you call first thing in the morning, but whatever. So the rest of our lunch was spent with BM playing games texting, "Thanks for calling the school for me," and having skid call FDH to tell him to call the school. This essentially would get put on record that HE didn't call or bring her to school even though it was her day, so I get why he doesn't want to do it, but couldn't that be taken care of after lunch? \
Fun fact, SD7 was put on independent study last year for missing too many days bc of BM. It came back on my FDH for a couple of those days because FDH was the parent on record the day and BM didn't call (BM kept daughter home "sick" for a whole week at one point, FDH didn't even see her yet got in trouble with the school for those missed days anyways).
Another fun fact, when FSD7 called, they were driving around in the car, she sounded fine and seemed coached to say she wasn't feeling well in the morning. I suspect BM was hungover or strung out and didn't get moving around until around noon. Real winner.
The fact of the matter is, our relationship is just as important as his relationship with his daughter, if not more important. Emergencies aside, I expect him to focus on us when he is with us. It's not necessary and it bothers me. I certainly think it's unneccesary to fight with BM while we're having our alone time. Thoughts? Advice? Just general comments?
"Can you call the school for
"Can you call the school for me? I don't have the number saved and I don't want to use my data to look up the number."
That's ridiculous. This type of 'involved' is not necessary. It's BM's day and calling the child in sick is BM's 'job' on BM's time.
I seriously would have left him sitting at the lunch table and went on about my day. Yeah, and the man would certainly hear about my opinion later come evening.
There is no excuse for comunication to be happening to the point they are acting like a married couple. That 'call sick for me' is unacceptable.
The child is seven? I would not have a problem with the kid calling Daddy each day (not BM, but the kid). I would think a call shortly after getting home in the evening or another roughly set time ( for example kid goes to bed at 8:00pm, and kid phones for ten minutes (tops) to tell Daddy about day and goodnight.
I can understand a father wanting to just touch base briefly once a day at her age or perhaps every other day, but it needs to be once and needs a time limit. And she is old enough to understand if Daddy has plans that evening and happens to miss her call, he still loves and misses her and will talk to her the next day.
BM? Stop taking any texts and calls that are not child specific emergencies. I suppose BM can email anything about school or upcoming appointment or things of that nature every four or five days that he could read and email back when he has the chance.
Get this under control now before you marry. This is one of those things that need to be address prior to marriage not after. Daddy is not on 24hr stand-by and BM needs to eother parent on her time or give up custody if she is incapable.
No kiddie calls on long weekend get-aways (unless emergency). Pre-set time and limit on length when calls can be accepted.
You can spare him for 5-10 minutes once a day and it may become less intolerable if the call is not as invasive as the gazillion calls are now. No phone at dining hour. No phones on date night. Find what schedule of acceptable call(one call) from the kid fits your normal non-kid time routine and grant that call. But what is currently happening is disrespectful to you.
DH's kids were adult when we
DH's kids were adult when we got married, but I had the same situation. We'd be out for lunch, and DH had to take a call from SS. We had date night and he had to take a call from SD. We were just having dinner at home and he had to take a call from one of them. Had a traumatic medical issue and in the midst of telling DH, he takes a call from SD. He thought they might need something. It might be an emergency. (We live 1000 miles away from them so it's not like he could race to the emergency room.)
I discussed this with my therapist (bless that woman) and she said he was infantilizing them and keeping them his babies for his own selfish purposes, and setting me aside for the moment because I was capable of taking care of myself. Bingo.
So I told DH how I felt when he abandoned me in favor of his adult child. He promised to do better and not take calls when we were having "us" time. He repeatedly broke that promise because he needed to know they were safe. Then he progressed to asking me if it was ok if he took a call...and my response was that I wasn't his mother, and almost always he'd take the call. He'd apologize. Rinse. Repeat.
I had enough. I reminded him how I felt about it, told him he could take calls whenever he wanted to, but if he did during "us" time the date/dinner, whatever was over since he was demonstrating that they were more important than I was. And I followed through on that boundary. Didn't take more than a couple of times walking out of a restaurant or removing dinner plates from the table for him to figure out I was serious.
Still burns me up to this day. He wasn't willing to change his behavior for ME. But he was when I made it uncomfortable for HIM.
Anyway, all of that about me to tell you to set some boundaries. Show him that you are not a doormat, just waiting for him to give you his attention.
two things
First, he needs to let BM handle her problems. If she is not getting skid to school, she needs to suffer the consequences of that. Where I live that includes jail time for truancy, (3 moms so far this year). He just needs to remind her that he already gave her that information and make her feel like a fool for asking for it again. He has trained her into "learned helplessness" and he needs to stop it.
Second, you need to train him that your relationship should be his main priority. That is different from a responsibility. Priorities not nutured eventually turn into expensive divorces. BM is perfectily capable to be responsible for skid. If she's not, her failures will play out and show. Be ready for that.
Responsibilities and Priorities are both important but very different from each other. DH needs to learn that, embrace that and learn to balance them. Most men in these situations don't understand that.