About their futures...
I'm just curious if anyone whose skids have grown up turned out exactly as the stepparent thought they would. Many of us on this board speak of the lack of discipline, lack of direction, lack of the word "no," lack of parenting, etc. We all think we can see what the kids will be like in the future. Are we accurate?
My DH is definitely afraid to tell SS13 no about absolutely anything. An example: One of my Christmas gifts from DH was some rather expensive couch pillows I had been admiring. They are an off-white color with a design on them. SS was here Christmas afternoon, we did our Christmas with him and he was quite pleasant, actually. I went to work just a couple hours later, DH spent the evening with SS. The next day, I found a spaghetti stain on one of the brand new pillows! Not too hard to figure out... SS eats on the couch with a pillow under him all the time. He loves spaghetti. I removed the stain and bit my lip, until SS was ready to return this weekend. I told DH I would be putting the pillows up and why. I went on to tell him I couldn't believe he would sit there and let SS eat spaghetti on the brand new pillow. Of course, I realize it's "just" a pillow. But it was a gift from DH, and obviously something I wanted. I told him I thought it was very disrespectful toward me, that he is showing SS he doesn't have to respect me because my own husband doesn't respect me enough to stop something like that. He had told him to be careful. Whoop-de-doo. I was furious, and took the opportunity to point out that he is teaching his son how to treat his future wife. I reminded him of how he let SS lock himself in our room for "what seemed like forever" to wrap gifts. He could have wrapped in the guest room, where we wrap our gifts. He could have been doing anything in there under the guise of wrapping gifts. SS chose where to go, and DH just went along with it. The only reason I found out was because SS left a big wad of wrapping paper on the floor.
I hate that my husband loses his balls every time SS is around. I told him as much the other day. It's actually very unattractive. Disciplining your child and teaching him respect would be much sexier. He spends so much time stroking SS's ego it is sickening. "OH MY! You walked to your room!! You did such a great job!! You should get a trophy!!" Ok, slight exaggeration, but you'd be surprised if you knew just how slight. Everything SS does is THE BEST. And he doesn't do much, that's for sure.
My SS is babied to the point of ridiculous by DH, BM, and BM's mom. No responsibility, no manners, no motivation. Why should he have any when he gets rewarded so greatly for not having them? I've pretty much stopped reminding my husband he is raising a child who will be an adult before he knows it. He can't even stay home alone for a couple hours yet. He's not a special needs child. All signs point to an ever-dependent, lazy, selfish person. I really say things only when they directly affect me (like the pillow). Otherwise, I've just disengaged and say nothing either way.
So getting back to my question... has anyone predicted that their skids would grow up to be lazy, non-productive, selfish, arrogant jackasses and been totally wrong? I sometimes feel like I'm just sitting back and waiting, not to say "I told you so" with my mouth, but the message will be there. I really just don't see it coming out any other way. I just wonder if my "insight" is driven by my own emotions and disdain for the situation more than anything else. What are the odds all these kids will be just fine, productive members of society?
"He spends so much time
"He spends so much time stroking SS's ego it is sickening. "OH MY! You walked to your room!! You did such a great job!! You should get a trophy!!" Ok, slight exaggeration, but you'd be surprised if you knew just how slight. Everything SS does is THE BEST. And he doesn't do much, that's for sure. "
Just a response to this... I saw my dh actually applaud (honest to God clapping his hands) and give a thumbs up and a 'good job'! When osd finished her sandwich this weekend.
ETA: She is TEN.
:sick:
Their only chance is to get pregnant and trap a wealthy man. Time will tell.
Seriously, I wish I could
Seriously, I wish I could videotape DH and show him exactly how ridiculous he acts. I remind him now and again that he has a 13 1/2 YEAR old, not a 13 1/2 MONTH old. You really couldn't tell the difference. Just the other day, he wondered aloud why the school didn't sent a note home when SS ran short of lunch money. OH HELLO...maybe they realize he will be in freaking high school next year and he can see his balance every day?
But hey, I'm glad to see I'm in good company. How can they all be so clueless?
Lol, that would be me too.
Lol, that would be me too. Ohhh, wow, you wiped your own ass, you want a cookie, or a crown??
Ummm yeah. I already raised
Ummm yeah. I already raised my own bios, and they will tell you that's pretty much how it went down. And they are better for it. They have a tendency to strive for bigger and better when they don't get a trophy for taking a crap.
"But hey, I'm glad to see I'm
"But hey, I'm glad to see I'm in good company. How can they all be so clueless?"
This same ten year old did not know how many quarters are in a dollar. Or how many half-cups are in two cups. But boy, she can sure eat a sandwich is slightly less than 30 minutes!!
"ATTAGIRL!!! Daddy's soooo
"ATTAGIRL!!! Daddy's soooo proud!!" Good Lord.
And my DH speaks with such sincerity, lol. Cue the eyerolls every time.
DH just took a day off to spend with SS before Christmas. SS stood him up. So what does DH do? Takes TWO days off to spend with him this weekend. It would be a cold day in hell for a long time if it was me. But let the ass-kissing commence. How can these dads think they are respected by the kids?
So far, no, but my stepson is
So far, no, but my stepson is only 14. However, I knew as a teen he would be acting this way when he was really little, so I think you are probably right on how they will be as adults.
I have known a lot of problem kids when I was growing up though who turned out well despite some wild and even lazy years. And others who ended up in jail.
It's really up to the kids how they act when they get out in the real world...and I think its up to the parents to not keep enabling them when they are older too. I do believe there is always hope, but I wouldn't hold your breath too much.
most of the screw ups i grew
most of the screw ups i grew up with are screw ups as adults. unless they somehow land someone who is on the straight and narrow and turns them around its pretty much hopeless.
when a kid is 14 and eats with her hands or cant be trusted to be home alone without burning the house down out of stupidity, and cant carry a conversation unless its via twitter or text, there's no magic pill that will change that.
I wonder about this too. Sd8
I wonder about this too. Sd8 is an entitled,manipulative,whiny,pouty,spoiled brat. I can just imagine her as a teenager and I think dh is going to really be sorry for not reigning her in! As an adult,I am willing to bet on a ton of relationship problems as well as work problems. When sd gets out into the real world,no one is going to accommodate her crap. Dh can take all of the credit.
SD will be overweight just
SD will be overweight just like her mother. She will also be allergic to work, get a job for a bit then find a way to be a stay at home mum for the rest of her days even when the kids are adults because you know 'SHE GAVE UP HER CAREER to support DH!!!' What fuckin career. If Sitting on your fat arse is a career then she's in full time employment lol.
When Dh's sister, SS14s aunt asked him if he was going to start looking for a PT job at 15 like her kids he said and I quote 'dad I'm having an existential crisis'.
You couldn't make it up.
All of DH's kids have
All of DH's kids have floundered with life. I blame him, because he always bailed them out. (Fail a class? He better go talk to that BAD teacher!) He always accepted their ridiculous excuses. (You turn in your homework but the teacher keeps giving you zeros? I think you are right, that teacher HATES you! {{of course the kid was lying, they didn't turn in homework}}) He always gave them leeway. (Oh, you FORGOT what time it was and accidentally stayed up to 2am playing online? I'm sure you DIDN'T MEAN TO) Never enforced rules. Never made them work. Never enforced any punishments.
Now the kids have failed to launch. The one who is 26 is FINALLY starting to figure life out, develop a work ethic, and grow up. But it has been a brutal process for her. She was sent into the world completely unprepared, and that is ALL HIS FAULT.
Interesting. I can't for the
Interesting. I can't for the life of me see SS being anything but someone who expects to be catered to his whole life. He really is too selfish for anyone to put up with him, so I can't see a relationship; which means he will probably be hanging out with BM/GM for a long time. If we even make it that time, him attempting to live here would put me over the edge. Just spent four days with him here and I'm about ready to pull the plug. If we were still 50/50, I have a feeling I'd be gone. DH even told me last night when we were arguing that when SS is here, we should be catering to his wants (as far as what to eat, movies to see, etc.) because he's not here that often. Btw, he chooses when to come. He can spend as much/little time as he wants, although it's harder now because we live further away (DH was the main one who pushed for that). DH compared it to when my BS came to visit for one day with five friends, and they were wanting some authentic regional cooking (I moved across the country for this crap). He said I didn't mind catering to them.... so that's what I'm dealing with.
Poor little ALF (as I call him in my head... Annoying Little Fucker) had a headache last night, so DH yelled at me for arguing with him, took him a bottle of water and rubbed his fragile little fucking head until he went to sleep. Thirteen and a half years old, still babied like you wouldn't believe. I just can't seeing him growing into a productive member of society, especially when you look at BM's family.
What I find damned baffling
What I find damned baffling are the extremes. One minute, SO is babying SS12 to the point where I'm wondering if I need to go out and get a crib for him. SS has sensitive skin and if he gets bitten by a mozzie, it gets infected, so he has to take zyrtec immediately after a bite. SO will freak out if he see's SS get bitten, and will frantically rush through the house like a goddamn maniac, to get the zyrtec. and Lord help us if its not in the medicine cabinet - the man will chuck the wobblies like nothing I've ever seen! It's truly mind boggling to watch!
He also still goes in to his room to give him a cuddle and a kiss goodnight. My Son stopped me doing that when he turned 10 'cos he said it was treating him like a baby and he was growing up now.
On the other hand, when SO and I sit outside while I have a smoke and a cup of tea, to discuss adult shit, SS sits with us and SO involves him in the conversation and then gets his input. E.g. SO's sis is having marital problems.. SO discusses this with me and also involves SS if he is sitting there. I've asked SO to try to be more discreet and selective of what he discusses in front of SS. I also know that sometimes it's too much info for SS to handle at his age. I have a strong suspicion that SS also tells SD about these discussions..
Guess it's all about finding a balance..something these disney dads seem to have such a hard time doing.
Yes, the extremes! SS is "old
Yes, the extremes! SS is "old enough" when that's convenient, but a poor little baby that gets catered to any other time. The majority of the time, he has infant status.
My SS still requests foot rubs from his daddy, I'm pretty sure most 13 1/2 year old boys would not let their daddy touch them like that. Massages, maid service (I just noticed DH turned the covers back for his next visit...haha), chef du jour (I don't even know if that's a thing, I just like the way it sounds), and cheerleader. Those are a lot of hats for DH when SS is here.