Thank you all for your feedback. I'm finding that if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. I feel affirmed in my feeling that I shouldn't have to host someone/people who would rather not have me even in the very house that they want to use. But sadly, the more challenging thing for me is trying to get my dh to see it from my perspective, especially because SS's friends are involved. Something I'm realizing is that since SS has not done well at school (he didn't get into any of the colleges he applied to because of his grades), and SS doesn't have any skills like sports or art, I think for dh, SS's friends has become very important. SS having friends that are all pretty good kids is the proof that SS is doing something right as a human being. So I think dh would not like it if I tried to interfere with plans that SS has with his friends. When I read people talk about the legal aspects, I totally understand and would agree. But if I want to keep the peace with dh, I can't call the police or take away SS's key.

Part of the problem is that dh and SS lived her for several years before I came into the picture. Dh recognizes that this fact biases him towards seeing me as the outsider in some respects. He had a light bulb moment and realized that he would never have mistaken his dad's and stepmom's home as "his" home because when they married, they bought a house together. But dh still has memories of his former family here that frame this place as originally "theirs". Meanwhile, SS definitely sees it as "their" home and me as the interloper.

So I wanted to have clarity about what I have a right to, but in terms of action, my plan is to just decline to host my SS and his friends if asked because "I'm not feeling like it". For now, I'm not going to make a grand stand. That may sound cowardly, but I think that that's a step that I can take without undue drama and then see how things go. Rightly or wrongly, since SS feels he is entitled to this house as much as me or dh, by saying 'no', it would feel as wrong to him as someone trying to block me from entering here. I don't want the drama.

Edited to add: SS is not going to try to barge in here if we say 'no'. When he was a preteen when I met him, he was angry and aggressive, but in his teen years, he's become slick. I can't tell if he truly wants to do the right thing or if he just uses being good as a mask his intentions to get away with s**t. If I want to gaslight myself, I think the former, but if I'm reminded of his manipulative ways, I think the latter. More likely, SS is going to use words to convince dh of his point of view. He's so good at words. The last time SS and I had a conflict, SS was able to get dh on his side by throwing out a red herring. He kept asking his dad, 'why does SM have a problem with me having a friend over? Why would it bother her that me and T are just watching videos quietly?" Dh started getting mad at me for this perceived hostility against them. But the problem was that SS never asked me if his friend could come over! What I fear is not that SS is going to start charging in here physically, it's that he's going to manipulate dh into thinking that I'm the bad guy. And that is just stressful having to fend that off.

Thanks Rags. It's clear that I'm not as bold as you. I'm learning that I'm a bit of a people pleaser, and have a hard time standing up for myself if I feel that it is displeasing to someone. But I appreciate your perspective, which I usually agree with. Whether I'm right or wrong, it still is important to me that dh feels that I'm being fair and kind. I rely on his good will for when I want my family to visit among other things, so I don't want to impose too many demands that he feel is not being fair to SS (whether it actually is or not).

Survivingstephell, exactly. I don't want to play games, but I'm thinking I'm already in it and have to have some strategy. A lot of the times, instead of focusing on how resolve a problem, I waste tons of energy going back and forth between allowing myself to react to SS's behaviors that I find objectionable, and feeling guilty about it and telling myself that I shouldn't be so judgy and an a**hole. I'm learning to accept my authentic reactions and go from there which is more productive and less stressful.

So I did take a stand and told dh that if I'm in the house without him, I prefer that SS not bring friends over. As expected, dh was not happy and asked me if I thought this would help SS like me better. He was implying that my actions were going to further alienate SS. I think dh is a bit of a people pleaser too. In the end, dh is motivated not to have his son dislike him. I worry not so much about SS's opinion, but the opinions of dh and others. But I talked about this with my sister last night, and she made me promise to repeat the mantra over and over again: "I am not the a**hole." I needed that reminder from someone who knows and loves me.

Wow, this is why I post here. The perspectives are so helpful to have when the rest of the universe seems only to want Sparents to play "nice". Rags, I am trying to see the facts more clearly. The thing that mucks it up is a messed up childhood. My father was a malignant narcissist, and I tend to cave and cater to narcissists because I was trained to do that from a young age. To overcome that has been a mighty struggle - it sometimes feels like a Herculean task  just to identify and side with my own needs and preferences over and above the loud demands of this guy in the room who is so crystal clear about what he wants. My dh is actually not narcissistic, and has been an amazing partner. He's probably done more than anyone to help me gain the confidence to stand up for myself even though he may not like the results when it's used to stand up to SS. lol.

But dh has lots of blind spots when it comes to SS. I think that he is somewhat aware of how his ex messed up SS, and compensates by indulging SS too much. Rather than call SS out, dh turns the other cheek a little too often. And honestly, that might be the best thing for SS. SS feels unconditionally loved by dh and I think that is a net good. I fear that the only other alternative would be to constantly be critical of SS which would probably be a net harm. SS is on a path that is as good as I have witnessed. At least he's not overtly rageful, accepts that getting good grades are important, and acts polite (even if it's not sincere).

Thanks Rumpelstiltskin. Just by you saying that you didn't partner up because of crap like this helps me. Yes, it's that distressing. I was thinking today about how causing distress is actually the basis of some crimes (like hate crimes or sexual harrassment). You can violate the law even without getting physical just by using words that cause distress. But when I'm distressed, I keep gaslighting myself by saying 'it's only feelings, just get over yourself and be nice.' See above as to why I'm so unable to empathize with my own self.

To answer your question, my BS hardly comes around at all. I'm helping to pay for his apartment while he's in college, but he is very happy to live his life independently. He works, cooks for himself, does his own laundry, gets straight A;s and was just invited to join an honor society. I was over at his apartment the other day, and he was like, 'Mom, weren't you just here yesterday?' Lol. I was very happy to let him know that I was capable of leaving him alone. I often wonder how dh would react if the tables were turned and he had to share space with my BS every weekend. I guarantee you dh would have his share of complaints. But since dh has not had that experience, nor ever will, he can continue to live in the hypothetical world where he would be infinitely kind to BS if he were living here. But that is the angle I want to take: you have to be in my shoes to understand.

The idea that I'm a co-pilot of this ship and SS is just a passenger is going to be a tough one to convince dh of. Like many of us in the modern age, he has a notion of egalitarianism (as I have had) that chafes against exerting power over a child, especially without a good reason. I understand that. I'm guilty of child-centered parenting, and I explained to BS the reasons why I asked him to do the things I asked of him. But I definitely set parameters, consequences, and gave BS responsibilities. SS has zero chores. When his mom goes out of town, I have to care for the dog because my dh works long hours and both parents declare SS to be too irresponsibile to be entrusted with caring for the dog he's had since he was 10 yo. Btw, if dh doesn't explicitly tell SS to feed or walk the dog, SS would never do it himself. I find it kind of sociopathic. My making peace with embracing my authority over the home goes along with my struggle with honoring my own needs and preferences. Maybe I don't have to have a super compelling reason. Maybe I can just say 'I don't want to have guests over who could care less about me' and that's that.

Thanks Rags for being so supportive, and for the elaboration about the commander/officer analogy. That would be great to apply in doses, though dh definitely wears the pants in the home.

Notmeanymore, dh totally accepts that SS has been an underachiever. Dh was too when he was in school, but now he's doing well. SS has been working harder and being more conscientious than ever, so I guess we'll see how he does his first year of community college. SS wanted so badly to go away for school like his friends, but I thought it would be a waste of money to send SS to live on campus just to go to community college (at 2 schools, they told him that if he did well in their community college feeder school, he could get acceptance). But after some reflection, he's decided to stay in town to go to the local one (I know, I missed my chance!)

Drinking and partying doesn't sound like a good thing to be doing. It does seem like pot is everywhere, but that certainly doesn't mean everyone has to hop on that wagon. Funny enough, SS smoked a whole bunch at once when he was a young teen and it got him really messed up, so he isn't tempted by it.

Thanks LillyWy00 and Winterglow. You both are asking about how dh handles my feelings versus SS's. In thinking of the question, I'm realizing that I have a faulty assumption in my head. The false assumption is that I sometimes have to "take it" and that is part of the experience of having a teen in your life. But I'm visualizing a scenario in which some random teen tries to mess with me, and I would not accept that, nor would I be inclined to be friendly towards them if they did that. Maybe if he apologized and persuaded me that he would never do it again. But SS hasn't and wouldn't do that, and this is all the more unacceptable now that SS is 18 and should be a lot more mature than he is.

Dh wouldn't allow anyone to disrespect me either, except of course when it comes to his son. BM is a narcissist and is incapable of loving SS unconditionally, and I think dh wants someone (me) to compensate for that. The problem is that I have none of the history, instincts and rewards that would motivate me and to make such sacrifices worthwhile. Even if I were willing to be a punching bag, what actual benefit would there be for SS? SS wants is to have his mom and dad give him money and stroke his ego, and he wants any adult allies that come his way to do the same. For me, those are not the most important things for a child/human being. Those are just substitutes for not getting genuine love and support which I believe is a more thoughtful and considered process. If I were the BM, the entire philosophy of parenting would have been different. I can't go back and change that, so I'm left with either caving and catering to SS's substitute satisfactions or disengage.

Perhaps I would take disrespect from my own son and still be able to forgive and forget, but my BS was never that rebellious. I like to think that part of that was due to my choices in parenting and how I treated him. The BM used to cuss SS out and proclaim that she 'wanted him out of her f**king life forever' while trying to snatch his keys (SS told dh that she said that during one of several times she tried to kick SS out. Of course, she later regrets it and was lovey dovey towards him in the aftermath.) So now I should be willing to take SS's contemptuous behavior because of something someone else did to him? Again, if some value came of it, maybe that is something I would consider, but to put myself in harm's way for no real change seems totally unjustified. I'm starting to see more and more that this is a part of emotional blackmail. Dh is trying to appeal to my mother's instinct to take disrespect from SS so that his progeny and legacy can feel a little bit better even if it's at the cost of me.

Sorry for all of the text. I'm not a talkative person, but I write a lot. Btw, I don't think my dh and I could afford to buy an apartment, so I don't think that's an option for us. Bless you if it is for you!