I read your post and felt like I was reading something I would’ve written 4 years ago. Let me just say first off that your feelings are very natural. Marrying someone with children was never something I thought I would do until I met my wife. I decided at the time my love for her was stronger than my fears and hesitations. I don’t regret making that decision but over the years I have come to see so much I didn’t understand. For instance, I had no idea how I would feel when my daughter was born. I had thought long and hard about how I thought things would go, but until she was born, I was naive. There’s a certain nagging inside of us that makes us feel betrayed even though our spouse didn’t cheat on us. It’s easy to feel upset they didn’t wait until they met the right person. We’re told that we’re the ones who chose to marry them so we have to accept their child as a part of the package, but inside we feel like we deserve a little more credit for loving them despite them bringing added stress and responsibility into our lives. Any normal person wants to experience all those firsts with the love of their life and it’s easy to feel resentful. I felt it and I still do. When my daughter was born I realized I had never known true love. I then realized how much I didn’t love my wife’s daughter. It made me feel like a horrible person and the guilt began to turn me into an angry person. I became more resentful to my wife and my stepdaughter. I found it hard to show my step daughter any love or affection and I would feel even worse when I showed my own daughter love and affection in front of her. Nothing felt natural or unstrained. I came to the conclusion that I was completely unprepared for the emotions and hardship of having a blended family. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into and no idea how to move forward. Over time I have learned to deal with these feelings but I still have trouble sometimes. I had to admit to myself and my wife that I wasn’t ever going to be the perfect person we both expected me to be. I’m only human.

Onto my advice.

Refuse to feel guilty for feeling the way you do. You love him and you want a future with him but that doesn’t mean you should disregard all the hopes or dreams you ever had. If he loves you he will understand your feelings and discuss them with you. He needs to understand that HE is choosing YOU and by doing that he must commit to putting you first in his life despite having children. Your feelings should be his priority. If he is unable to empathize with your internal struggle you need to seriously consider your future. I wish I would’ve discussed my feelings more in depth with my wife before we got married. It’s easy for a parent to expect their spouse to love their kid as much as they do, but it’s often impossible. He needs to understand that you are putting yourself and your future at risk and he is getting a second chance at real love and a real family.

Don’t expect your feelings to go away over time. If you feel this way now your feelings will only get stronger when your own child comes into the mix. Feelings of resentment can easily turn to anger and hate if unaddressed. You must realize that you may never grow to love his child the way you think you will and you may never stop wanting what you want now. In order for this to work you and your spouse must have clear boundaries and expectations established. Find out what he really expects from you when it comes to parenting his child. Let him know what you desire and how you see your future family. Remember, it’s your family. You are not a guest in someone else’s family. He must see that for it to work. It’s your house, your marriage and eventually your kids. Yes, you have to be willing to co-exist with his child, but you must have realistic expectations, otherwise it is easy to fall into a pattern of guilt and resentment.