Thoughts on this- asking as a BM about something DH said
Okay I'm asking as a BM- don't attack me people! LOL!
BS11 gets on the bus after DH and I go to work.
We have a fridge that doesn't always close properly. Most of the time it does but sometimes it doesn't and you have to push the door just a tad bit tighter.
So the other night DH comes home from work and I'm in the kitchen trying to get dinner together, multi tasking with washing dishes.
I say something about DH coming home at lunch because I saw that there was a to-go container in the fridge. Something along the line of "Ohhh where did that sandwich come from it looks yummy."
He tells me where and then says "Yeah and BS left the fridge door open this morning."
So I say "Okay well remind him to make sure it's shut."
DH responds with "I've told him before."
I respond back with "Parenting is a constant job."
I think this issue is "two-fold". DH thinks parenting is telling someone one time and that is it. He thinks he does his job once and it's done forever. This is why there are so many issues with the skids and I think their records speak for themselves.
DH also doesn't want to parent BS. Not because he is the step dad but because like with his own kids he is lazy.
However I feel that if you have an issue- go to BS about it. So you expect me to stop doing what I am doing to bring up the issue?
A lot of times DH tells me what I need to tell BS.
"Tell him to make sure the fridge is closed."
"Tell him to quit wrestling on the bed."
"Tell him to turn the tv down."
I'm thinking- go ahead and tell him your damn self.
Since DH and I are the main caregivers and the ones BS is around the most, DH is well aware that I am open to him parenting BS if needed. However he will only do it when he feels like dealing with it. I get it, not his kid.
I feel though- I am 100% wife. I do 99% of the cooking, cleaning, inside house stuff. ("womens chores"). I am the only one who does anything for BS when it comes to school, appointments, homework, sports, etc. I also work full time.
So if you feel like BS needs to be told to do X, Y, Z- feel free to tell him. I will 90% (just giving a number for example) of the time back you on it. (and that is no different then if we were an intact family- both parents aren't always going to agree on parenting issues)
Thoughts?
ETA: I have enough on my plate. If DH feels like BS should or shouldn't be doing something then DH should handle it. Is that too much to ask?
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Here's how I'd look at it.
Here's how I'd look at it. DH should go tell BS to turn the TV down, because the situation is now and DH needs to take care of his own business. DH should ask you to remind BS of house rules or tell you when something to do with house rules isn't working, because you are the parent.
You're a full time parent, since DH is treating BS more like a roommate. If you were single, you'd be on the hook for that too. Same with working full time.
If you were single, though, you'd have more flexibility and you'd have less household chores/responsibility than you have now. So I'd step back in that area. Just because you come to the marriage with a child doesn't mean that you should behave as though you don't have the responsibilities of being a parent ie. you don't have tons of free-time to do household stuff. Besides, you are an equal partner doing more than equal of the work.
But if DH wasn't around I
But if DH wasn't around I wouldn't have this third party person telling me what I need to do. LOL.
As for the household chores- ugh that is a catch 22. It's kind of our thing. It's how it's always been and while always be I'm sure. I'm a clean freak. DH will never live up to my standards of taking care of the house. So instead of fighting about it, I just take care of it. DH could live in a shit hole and it wouldnt bother me. I'm OCD and stuff out of place bothers me.
About DH: You're going to
About DH: You're going to have to apply the filter. He obviously can't.
You DO need someone telling you when there's a problem that requires your attention. You'd expect the school to call if BS was breaking their rules, you'd expect a coach or a neighbour to tell you if BS is behaving in a way that's not ok... you do expect the same from DH.
But DH is acting like he wants you to go to bat FOR him, against BS. That's never going to fly.
DH has his own personal boundaries and standards and he needs to enforce that. If he comes crying to you instead, just filter it out. I can see talking together, the three of you, about how when DH asks BS to do something, he needs to do it... but if DH can't even approach him to turn down the tv, I don't know how that would work out. This particular issue is really DH not managing his own affairs. But of course you expect him to do so....because it's his relationship with BS, not parenting. And by relationship, I just mean people sharing space, not implying intimacy or something that may or may not be there or may or may not be wanted.
About the cleaning/housework - you (collective you) can set up a schedule. Laundry done daily, DH can put the wash on and move it into the dryer. He can fold/put away if you're ok with that. He can load/empty dishwasher daily. All the tasks that are not the living in filth ones, the ones that are little work but a lot of attention. He could have 20 minutes of tasks that would keep the house running smoothly and take a lot off your plate.
I do think the parenting/boundaries etc issue warrants a real conversation with DH though. I think you are not understanding what the other person is really expecting, what's going on inside the other person's head when this is going on.
Like... why on earth would DH NOT ask BS to turn down the tv? I'd ask any kid to turn down the tv, even if I was a guest of their parents. So what stops him?
Yeah I think we do need to
Yeah I think we do need to have another talk about expectations.
As for chores- I have tried going on strike. I have stopped cooking dinner for him, stopped doing his laundry, stopped cleaning up his messes. It kind of worked but the mess drove me crazy. I feel that since I'm such a neat/clean freak that I need to just suck it up and do majority of the cleaning, but I think DH is using that against me to get out of the cleaning, etc.
DH does do a lot of other stuff for me though and I sometimes look at it like a pay off. He spoils me. So it's a running joke that he pays me in gifts to do his laundry. Like I said, it's a catch 22. And I think it's my own fault.
I think that is why it annoys
I think that is why it annoys me so bad. Sometimes its legit stuff. Like yeah BS does need to be reminded again to make sure the fridge is closed all the way otherwise we are going to have bigger issues.
Then there is times it's just stuff that annoys DH that he wants me to discipline BS on.
Oh he's being too noisy? Well he's a kid. Kids make noise. It's not bothering me at all so I didn't even think to tell him to quite down. But now you are basically telling me to tell BS to quiet down and interrupt whatever it is that I am doing because he's getting on your nerves. Like hello he may not be your kid but that doesn't mean whatever you say goes.
?? So, it was magic that the
?? So, it was magic that the things the parent didn't notice were somehow noticed? What if the parent wasn't even home... how can she explain noticing? Perhaps her super-powers? Why isn't the truth allowed again?
because it's not necessary
because it's not necessary that kidlet know who complains, it's only necessary that kidlet knows that some expectation wasn't met.
"hey buddy, you left the fridge open again. Can you remember to make sure it's fully closed?"
vs "hey buddy (it doesn't bother MEEEEEE but) Stepdad said you left the fridge open, Can you make sure that it is fully closed?"
the first is factual and makes a request. The second implies that only StepDad has a problem with leaving the fridge open.
isn't this why we always tell SMs to not parent? Not my monkey and all of that? Why shouldn't the same hold true for StepDads???
Hmm. WOB, I usually think
Hmm. WOB, I usually think you're right on things, but not here.
Parenting and being a person are different. If there's a house rule, like the fridge door open, then I think the parent should handle it. But if it's about interpersonal stuff, like the volume to the TV, then I think the individuals involved should be resolving it. **ETA: I'm assuming that the volume is higher than DH likes, but not actually 'too' loud, otherwise zero would have noticed and addressed it already.
If some kid comes up to me and hits me in the face, I will address it, not go to the kid's parent and ask them to handle it. If some kid is behaving rudely (pushing, etc) at a playground,I would only address the kid if their behaviour could be dangerous to themselves or another kid... and even then, I'd first look for the parent because I see that as a parenting thing. (Depends on how imminent the danger is!)
Kind of... because isn't the
Kind of... because isn't the big butthead in the other room putting it on the parent to look like the bad guy with all their requests for what the skid should be doing?
If we don't listen to what our SOs are saying about our kid then we are an ass because we don't take their wants, feelings, etc into consideration.
If we do listen and talk to our kids about everything that our SOs have to complain about then we are the bad guy bitching about stuff that we aren't even bothered/affected by.
I get that a lot of the stuff that my DH complains about is stuff that annoys him because BS isn't his kid. It's shit that he lets his own kids get away with. If I dont say anything he's mad. If I do say something then I'm always the bad guy with BS and that isn't good either. It's a no win sometimes.
Right. I just tell BS what
Right. I just tell BS what needs to be done. Most of the time DH is right, so it's no big deal. BS is like Okay and does whatever needs to be done. It's nothing that is climatic or anything. I'm respectful of DH that the noise level might not be bothering me, but it's bothering him so I will say something to BS about it. But sometimes I feel like I am serving DH's agenda of parenting.
"We're supposed to be a
"We're supposed to be a team... not a pick and choose your own adventure."
I love that line and will be borrowing it.
I think it's that weird step
I think it's that weird step parent gray area of not knowing exactly what your place is.
The same stuff would happen with us. I'd say to DH.. can you please tell SD to not (insert 1 of 143,768 things here)
He would say why don't you just tell her? I'd just say "I don't know, it sounds better coming from you." But the REAL reason was because I KNEW that if I told her to do or not do something it would be one of the following:
1. she'd blow me off, because it was me telling her.
2. she'd get pissy with me because it was me telling her.
3. she'd run and tell BM and anyone else who would listen that I was horrible because it was me telling her.
4. DH would get pissy with me, because it was me telling her... cause sometimes it was A OK for me to say something, other times I just hated SD.
I don't know in your DHs case, I think he just doesn't want to be bothered.. not my kid not my problem... even his own kids are my kid, but not my problem.
BS listens to DH. If DH had
BS listens to DH. If DH had went into the bedroom and said "Hey BS remember to make sure you close the fridge all the way, it was left open this morning and it can cause other issues." BS would have listened and been okay with DH saying that to him.
Not all the time (he is a kid) but BS is very respectful to DH and what he tells him to do.
Yeah if I told my stepkid to
Yeah if I told my stepkid to make sure they closed the fridge their thought would be, "What a b!tch, it isn't a big deal." DH does it, it is taken a lot more seriously.
Skids would do that to me. BS
Skids would do that to me. BS wouldn't do it to DH. I think BS has a healthy free of DH. He will test boundaries sometimes but for the most part he knows if DH tells him to do something he better do it.
Still isn't DH's
Still isn't DH's responsibility to handle it. If he doesn't want to he has every right to defer to you.
Agree. But then he needs to
Agree. But then he needs to shut up and not tell me how and when to parent. That's how I feel about that.
I'm totally with your DH on
I'm totally with your DH on this one. As the stepparent, I feel like I shouldn't have to be the bad guy, and in doing so, it only makes things worse or harder. It doesn't matter what you do in the house and what you do for BS, BS is your kid and what you do in the house has nothing to do with how you parent your child. I'd rather DH deal with skid issues, even if they are small, because I know the kid with be more receptive and I don't want to be the bad guy. If DH says, BS left the fridge open again, you should say, "I'll make sure to remind him to make sure it is closed".
It doesn't matter if you are doing something or if you are a team. Your kid, your responsibility.
I feel like if he has
I feel like if he has something to say to BS then he can just say it.
He wants me to take care of him in every other way. Be a good wife. Cook dinner. Take care of the house, etc.
I have to take care of BS because my Ex isn't really stepping up.
So hey how about helping me out (like I help you out) and if you have an issue just address it.
i am also with your dh on
i am also with your dh on this. bs, in the end, is your responsibility.
i respect your giving your dh the authority to say something to bs, but again, its your responsibility to parent your child.
Agreed- he's not wired to
Agreed- he's not wired to parent this way. Because I know what kind of dad he is with the skids its why it doesn't surprise me. BUT it still annoys me.
I just feel at times I am really spread thin and then DH comes with all stuff he wants BS to do and I'm thinking- just tell him yourself.
I have. Sometimes it works,
I have. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Like the fridge thing. His response "I've told him before."
My situation is different but
My situation is different but similar. DH and DD have a great relationship and I am very fortunate that DH helps me out with DD, such as appointments, picking up from school sick. Honestly, I have driven DD to school less than 10 times in the last few years. (I do a lot of things for DH.)
When we are both here, he defers to me but has no problem addressing something if I am not there or he feels strongly about it.
It sounds like it's your DH'S personality and why do something if you can tell someone else to do it?
No, it isn't too much to ask and if DS is respectful to DH, there's no reason for DH to not tell DS himself.
I feel that he tries to tell
I feel that he tries to tell me how to parent BS but doesn't want to step up and do it himself. Obviously I am the parent, he's my kid. But he can't have it both ways in my opinion. You can't be 100% disengaged from it and then complain when BS does something that you don't like. Because then that makes me the bad guy all the time and now I am fighting DH's battles (so to speak) and parenting BS on how DH wants it, doing it for him.
I'm sorry. But you are wrong
I'm sorry. But you are wrong here. If the fridge is left open, that effects DH and it is your responsibility as the biological parent to handle it. If he's being loud and it is effecting other people in the house, it is your responsibility to handle it, even if it doesn't bother/effect you.
I dont think it's that
I dont think it's that black/white.
DH is the proud parent when he's at BS's wrestling tournaments and BS won the medal.
DH is the proud parent when BS gets an A on the big report.
DH is the parent when he wants to watch a movie and hang out with BS.
But then DH isn't the parent when BS actually needs parented? To me you can't have all the good and none of the bad.
I feel that he is an adult and he has an example to set for a minor kid. I don't live by the whole disengagement of minors in the home. (I understand why people do, but that wouldn't work for me.)
Plus I feel that if we were all 3 roommates living together in a house he would remind the adult to close the fridge. So what's the problem with reminding an 11 year old?
At times I have in the
At times I have in the beginning. But I feel 100% justified because DH came off too strong, too early. DH is very much if it isn't done his way 100% then he isn't going to do it at all. He's a very black/white person. I'm all grey area sometimes, sometimes black/white. So I feel like one time a long time ago I stepped in when he was trying to parent and he took offense to that and disengaged, expect to re-engage when it's convenient for him.
Depends on the day if he
Depends on the day if he engages BS. But he's that way with his own kids so it's his normal.
Some days they say hi/bye and that is it. Some days they wrestle and watch tv and do yard stuff together. Just depends on DH's mood and what BS and I have going on.
We have different parenting
We have different parenting styles. DH is ignore, ignore, ignore, disney and then flip the f out.
He had 4 kids back to back. I have one. I think that makes a big difference too.
Agree about the love languages. I would prefer for everything to be distributed more evenly and not have all the gifts. He does work hard and works a lot of side jobs. I used to work from home so I felt like I had to do more of those things because I had the time. Now that I am back in the office full time, I still do it all because it's our norm.
You sound like my DH. Then
You sound like my DH. Then when they started hating me for doing the parenting he wouldn't, he just got too much enjoyment out of that. It was bad cop/good cop and I was the bad cop. If I asked for him to back me up, out came the good cop. But he didn't want me to tell him that he needed to parent over X, y, or z--I wasn't to bother him with it. But if I did parent, I was the bad cop. It was a vicious cycle and he put me in the middle of it. I stepped out.
Parent your own kid. It's not your husband's job. The end.
Don't project your bad
Don't project your bad experience on to me. Thanks!
For all of those telling me
For all of those telling me to parent my own kid- I do. Like 100% of the time.
I'm just asking DH if he has a problem to just step up and take care of it. His problems are usually minor and don't require more then just reminding BS to do something.
And on a side note and really I feel this way in general- I'm his partner. He loves me. I love him. We are supposed to make things easier for each other, not harder. Him just addressing the problem takes like 2 seconds. Him bringing the problem to me then requires me to first think- hey is this a problem. Yes/No. Address problem. Address why not a problem. Resolve the problem. Interrupt whatever I was doing, etc.
Just as my spouse, help me out a little here.
Nope, not his kid, not his
Nope, not his kid, not his monkey. Are you a step parent? If you're not, then you need to understand that insisting that your spouse handle things as a "parent" is the perfect way to make everyone resent everyone. Parent your kid and sit down with your DH to come up wit a plan to split housework.
DH has 4 kids.
DH has 4 kids.
3 of them are girls.
3 of them are girls. Teenagers when I met DH. You can imagine how this story ends. LOL.
From reading your responses I
From reading your responses I think that your real issues are to do with your perception that your husband does not contribute to the home as much as you would like and that small tasks that you feel he can do himself such as talking directly to your son feel more burdensome because of all the other tasks that are also left to you to do.
I would say, from my step parent perspective, that the parenting and other tasks I do for my sd I volunteer to do as a favor for my husband. Some days I do not feel like doing them and they either go undone or my husband must do them. As a non biological parent in this home I have the privilege of being able to step back when I want to because ultimately that child is not mine. The other tasks of the home however as an equal adult in the home I take equal responsibility for because that is being an adult.
The other things to remember is that sometimes it is easy to get caught up in our own burdens and to forget or overlook what our partners do contribute to the home and to making our lives easier. It may not be the dishes or the cleaning but it could be other factors and a little reflection may help to remind you of them. If you still feel like you have an unfair burden then it is time to have a conversation with your husband about how he feels like he contributes and how you two can lighten and even the load.
Agree very much with your
Agree very much with your first sentence.
I have a question for you
I have a question for you zero. How does you son respond to reminders about things like closing the fridge? Is it different if it comes from you or your husband? Just thought that could be part of your husbands reluctance to engage.
He listens to DH waaaay
He listens to DH waaaay better then he listens to me. But with a simple reminder BS will be like "okay". He's a pretty easy kid when we tell him to do something.
IMHO, Beth Anne is right. And
IMHO, Beth Anne is right. And I do on many occasions ask my DH to talk to his kids about XYZ. It's not that I am incapable of giving them the reminder, nor do I lack authority from DH to parent the kids. But SD and SS take things from me differently than they do him. DH doesn't see the difference. But he trusts me when I tell him I see it. Sometimes I ask DH to deal with stupid little things because I am stressed over other things and am likely to overreact if I try to deal with it.
If you are feeling burned out, like you've been giving more than you get and you just need help, I think you may want to consider pushing some of the burden of the house chores onto your DH. That may eliminate some of the stress of him asking you to talk to your BS about little things, since you'll have more support from him in other areas.
Agree. I think I'm burned out
Agree. I think I'm burned out from doing so much.
Perfect!
Perfect!
That would work too if he
That would work too if he would just do that.
My DH would rather bitch
My DH would rather bitch about it to me than say something to BS. I've told him many times, just to tell him yourself, but no. It's lame.
I have no issue telling SD13 what's up, but DH frowns upon that too.
That's always been my thing.
That's always been my thing. Just say something.
When SS was living with us he locked one of the cats in his bedroom (accidentally). I said to DH "SS locked Bert in the his room. He probably peed in there." DH said "Well tell SS not to do it again or he's going to be screwed." I was just telling DH what happened and planned on saying something to SS. I think DH just avoids parenting all together.
I have had no problem telling SS things when he lived with us. If I saw an issue I would just address it. Easier to handle the problem myself then to wait for DH to address it.
I know... it's one of those
I know... it's one of those that closes 90% of the time. It just sometimes needs a little extra push the other 10% to close all the way.
Honestly DH doesn't want to
Honestly DH doesn't want to parent any of the kids- mine or his- unless he feels up to it or can be bothered with it.
Your husband is handling
Your husband is handling things with your son the same way I handle things with my skids. I ALWAYS ask DH to deal with things--even so called small things. I don't feel it's my place to step in and correct/parent them when he is here to do it. And yes, there are plenty of times I notice something that he doesn't--stomping up and down stairs, door slamming--he gets tunnel vision and his hearing quits working when he is focusing on something. If he isn't around and I ask them to do something or have to correct their behavior, I always tell him.
Part of the reason I have chosen to do things this way is also the reaction I have gotten from him when I have corrected one of his kids...I feel like I get the third degree over the most minor things (hey, SD, could you please pick up your socks and put them in the laundry turns into a 15 minute conversation about "what did you say to SD"). I can avoid that by simply asking him to have the skid do whatever needs doing. This past weekend I mistakenly asked both skids to bring their garbage out of their rooms to put in the big bag I was about to carry downstairs...afterwards DH wanted to know what I was fussing at the kids for. Next time, I'll ask him to ask them to get their trash.
Honestly, if you aren't going to back him up 100% of the time at least in the eyes of the child, then asking you to take care of the problem is his best option.
There is always a first time
There is always a first time for everything. LOL!
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your comments! I appreciate them all