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Balance with SS and BD

young but wise's picture

Submitted by young but wise on Thu, 04/25/2013 - 6:03pm

I was looking for some advice on how to keep the balance between my SS5 and my BD7m. I like to think that I do a decent job. I make sure I make SS5 still feel special and important. I make sure that I keep BD out of his things most of the time and I make sure that I don't tell him that I can't do something because if BD. The on Tuesday SO and I brought SS and BD to the community center down the road to go swimming. This was BD's first time in any sort of water other than the bath tub EVER!!! I made sure I took pictures of both kids and tried to play with SS as much as I could without missing a "first" for my daughter. SO was kind of upset because I was "too busy taking pictures to play with SS in the deep end." I really wanted to get a few really good pictures. I wanted them for her baby book and to be able to show the people who weren't there to expierience it. He then brought up that it wasn't fair to SS that SO is in the water having to pay 100% attention to BD because he is holding her and I am paying 100% attention to BD because I am taking pictures of her. I was paying plenty of attention to SS and taking pictures of him too. Then he said it isn't fair that SS never got a baby book because he doesn't do that kind of stuff and BM never wanted kids so she would never put the time into it. Then I go "all out" on BD's baby book. How do I find a balance and how do I show that I care about them both. How do I show that I am not trying to leave out SS or treat BD "better?"

Comments

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Thu, 04/25/2013 - 6:24pm

Tell him to grow up. He chose to have a baby with a BM who doesn't give a damn about doing stuff for her child. His problem. He chose her not you.

Does he really want you to be a crappy mother to BD because BM is a crappy mother to SS? You get to be a good mother to your child.

I hope you are paying more attention to an infant than a 5 year old. He's nuts. You have no obligation to play with SS in the deep end.

Now it would be one thing if you made a special dessert for BD but didn't give any to SS. But you doing age appropriate things for your daughter is your right and duty as a mother.

So if BM didn't change SS's diapers but 2 times a day should you now mistreat your DD because it wouldn't be faaaair for you to treat your BD right.

Not_Having_Fun's picture

Submitted by Not_Having_Fun on Thu, 04/25/2013 - 7:31pm

What Foxie said!!

What SO did or didn't do when your SS was a baby has absolutely nothing to do with you. If he is upset that SS doesn't get baby books or memorable moments like BD does then that's HIS fault & his problem alone. You should never have to feel the need to hold back or not do something for your child just in case SS didn't get the same thing. It sounds to me like you make a huge effort to ensure there is a healthy balance & you do a great job with that. You should not have to miss out on anything you want to do with your BD. So what if SS had to spend a little time by himself whilst you took some photo's of your child's first adventure in the water! That's ridiculous he would complain & for what sounds like most if the reason being his own guilt for not doing things for his son that you are doing for BD.

Do not EVER feel any guilt or feel you shouldn't do something with/for BD. You only ever get the first moments once & you treasure every single one of them. You don't want to end up with regret like your SO!

I have a BS1 & a SD9 so I'm speaking from experience. I used to be so concerned & although Ive never had DH say to me I'm not spending enough time with SD or anything like what your experience was, I was always worried. Then I realised I'm very, very mindful to ensure SD is included in everything & that the attention etc is balanced. A baby does require a little extra time & attention but that is life & not you doing the wrong thing. Your SS will have special moments like his first day of school, etc, etc where the focus will be on him & the photographs will be of him.
My SD has a BM who can also share memories, times & special moments with my SD. My BS has me & I will sure as heck enjoy every moment with him!