What can I do to get F'nDH to LISTEN and F'n PUNISH his F'n D13?????
I am so angry and upset but mostly HURT by F'nDH's LACK of stepping up and PUNISHING the H3LL out of is SPAWN Daughter 13 for all the crap and disrespect she is causing!!!!!I have been really really really trying as hard as I can to disengage....BUT I see that I am really not good at it 
I was so happy at first when I told DH and SD13 that I had had all I was going to take and the parenting would b up to F'nDH....I would only reinforce the basic safety rules and F'nDH would do the rest....and at 1st F'nDH did step up and try to parent...He told Spawn13 that he wanted her to be nice to me to be respectful and to treat me as nice as she treats her bus driver (not asking for much huh?) he asked me to "just be as nice as I could" to her as to not give Spawn13 any excuses as to why she felt she had to be rude to me...as Spawn13 blames EVERYTHING on me the WICKED SM...I did my very best with a LOT of prayer and tequilla to do just that "be nice" (to the point that my own BD18 and BD13 asked if i was ok/lost my mind or on meds) I even praised F'nDH's efforts on here! Gag! (He was DH at that time not F'nDH at that point lol!) I have endured SD13's nasty behavior and rudeness....all countered with me being as "sweet as pie" to her...again GAG!! The F'nDH was coming home and looking over my journal entries of SD13's behavior along with the pics and video clips of SD13's nasty behavior towards me...F'nDH's then would ask Spawn13 how her day was.....Spawn13 would then produse her "own" journal of the day's events and LIE like a dog to her DD!!!!!! It was CLEAR that Spawn13 was consistantly LYING to her DD and attempting to manipulate her DD...F'nDH was ripping Spawn up and confrunting her with her lies! It was vendicating for me to see F'nDH step up and parent his Spawn....I was "why havent I done this before?" "I can just be nice to SD13 and let her true colors show"...."no problem"...."DH (before he became F'nDH)really gets it and dang he's doing a great job"...............SD13 HATED how she was being treated by her DD and Was writing in her dairy about her trying all kinds of nasty things to SM and how it wasnt working....blah blah blah....." SD13 was really sweating it....I was just having to "be as nice as I could to her" I could even do it and hum a little tune....it was a great 2 weeks............I suggested in passing a weekend away just the F'nDH and I alone and sure enough F'nDH planned it and set the childcare up...did it all.....this is where the prob started....I noticed that SD13 is still doing her same old nasty crap BUT F'nDH is not really saying anything to Spawn13 about it....no punishment...no tears...no guilt trips...no confronting Spawn in front of me when she has lied or broken rules while I was in charge.....I started listening in to the private time between F'nDH and Spawn13....NOTHING!!!!!!! Just chearful chatter...GaG!!!...I try to focus on DISENGAGING NOT MY KID NOT MY PROBLEM....lots of humming...more tequilla.... Lots of reading here on StepTalk....LOTS self injury aka TONGUE BITING...........then the real kicker....and I know I have written about this several times....while moving a fouton mattress in SD13's room F'nDH finds a lighter that is wrapped in several sheets of paper...F'nDH does not "think" that the HIDDEN Lighter on paper could be Spawn's...that it "must" be SS19's who lived with us 16+ months ago and slept of fouton in another room..
F'nDH moved the fouton 3 months ago into Spawn's room But ALSO forgot he had to take mattress off to move it.....Didn't "cross" F'nDH's mind that the lighter/paper would have been found then....ALSO forgotten have been the several times (4 or 5) that our fire alarms have gone off for no reason at 2-3 am over the past few weeks...(AFTER I DISENGAGED) To TOP IT ALL OFF F'nDH didnt MENTION one word to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We go off on our mini vacation just to have me come home and look through SD13's room and find BURNED pages from SD13's drawing pad in SD13's bedroom.....when I sent F'nDH an email about the BURNED pages from SD13's drawing pad....F'nDH DOES NOT tell me he ALREADY knows about it.....he plays it off...says "put them back and HE can be the bad cop and "find" the papers and get on to her"....He acted odd when he came home and said to me, "just trust me on this and let me handle this" I choked back my desire to go off on F'nDH and Agreed....needless to say I did not sleep a wink.....NOTHING was said to Spawn by DD......I waited....waited til we were eating lunch out just the two of us and I casually asked F'nDH about the BURNED papers...That is when he said that he had found the lighter a few days earlier and that he didnt look at the papers the lighter was wrapped in???????!!!!!! I almost threw up right then and there!!!!!!!!!! I was shaking!!!!! I later stated to f'nDh that I was sick over all of it....F'nDH later confronted Spawn13 in a 1/2 a$$ way...door closed and a little yelling....THEN the catcher is 1/2 hour later SD13 is plopped down in front of the TV, drawing and laughing/smiling!!!!!! Not a tear in sight! NO PUNISHMENT!!!!!!! I am SO BEYOND MAD that I am havign a HARD time dealing with this.....I can not believe that F'nDH would allow SD13 to jerpodize EVERYONE in our house not to mention our brand new home and really in my eyes do NOTHING about it!!!!!
Am I being a B*&^ch about this or does anyone thing I have a right to be STILL BURNED UP ABOUT THIS?? We have spring break and a mini vacation with hubby being off the next 7 days....I dont want a melt down but I feel a major one coming on.....what do I do?? HELP!! I really really cant get past this...mind you this skid has BIG psych issues and is on meds PLUS we have been advised to have everyone in our home sleep with their doors locked because the PSYCH DR's FEAR this skid WILL injure others!They have put that in writing too!! IF one of my BD had done anything like this they would have been punished and there would be NO question as to the punishments and the restitution!! THEY would be thinking about the bad choice they had made a VERY long time...as I WOULD have given a VERY REAL LASTING PUNISHMENT!!!!! NO laughing in front of the TV for a LONG time forsure!!!! I am scared for the safety of my family!!! I am making myself sick over this....F'nDH knows Im upset...he's trying to be all lovie dovie....IM so mad I cant make eye contact.......am I making more out of this than I should? what do I do?? How do I get past it or resolve it?? The NO punishment BS is geting to me........
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F'nDH just came home from
:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:
F'nDH just came home from work with a dozen red long stem roses!!!! (no red roses for Valentines or my birthday....just regular ole flowers on those days....BUT for NO reason now Long Stem Red Roses!? hummmmmm....might should have been a bottle of tequilla?!?!) I guess SOMETHING is redgestering with him that says "you have blew it buddy!" But roses will not protect my family from a fire! I hate all of this..........:(
take matters into your own
take matters into your own hands. if u have to search the child day in and day out and dig in their room to make u feel safe go for it. whether the child knows it up to you. but i would maybe think about some after school activities or sport or summer or church programs. seems like the kid has to much time to play and think of stuff to do. i think that its important to keep a child busy doing positive things so that the negative is lessened esp at that age. maybe volunteer work or chores around the house. or like someone has made pretty famous here on step talk make the kid write lines. 1000 times writing i will not burn paper in the house.
Wow been there. I hear you.
Wow been there. I hear you. Please don't melt down that is what they want. This may work if you can not afford counseling. Although, the tequilla sounds good too.
This worked for a few of us. Try not reporting on SD for 30 days. Journal the behaviors and keep your journal on lock down. Make a list of everything that you do for her and when she disrespects you take one of those gifts away. ie laundry, fixing plate for dinner. I use to keep a list of their actions and the next time they asked me to do something for them-a ride to the movie, friends' house, buy a treat, I would remind them of the behavior and tell them that positive actions would get positive consequences. At the same time if the behaved respectfully for a few days I would wash a load of laundry. fold it and leave it on their bed or I would fix their plate for dinner. Do not expect them to be respectful. When they are disrespectful, stop your interaction leave their space and do not return until you are ready. When you return, if asked let them know that they are on time out until they learn how to behave in a respectful and kind manner. You continue about your day. Later when you are ready, let them know that you care about them but you do not care for their behavior.
Focus on YOU
Take one or evening out of the week and leave them with Dad. Go do something nice for yourself. Bubble Bath, movie etc. When hubby comes home from work give him the time with her. Greet him and let them have their time. I would sit with Dad and spontaneously invite SD to join Dad while I go call a girl friend,read, paint nails or get on line. Try to stay consistant with your actions of good will but do not be a door mat. Actions speak a lot louder than words.
You do have to go with your instincts and common sense. One of my SM friends had a SS that was stronger and bigger. She had to keep her doors locked. When left along with him because Dad traveled she would have an elderly neighbor friend stay over night so that she was never a lone with him except to take him to school and pick him up. She tape recorded one of his rants while his Dad was gone. When Dad returned he did not reveal what he knew but started supporting his wife with her concerns. He and the son went to conseling.
Accept that this behavior will not change over night. Dad will got get it overnight but, she will not be able to keep up her act with him and when he experiences the consequeces for his not setting boundaries, just listen and tell him you are glad to see that he is trying to establish some.
Let go and focus on you and your marriage.
Keep scheduling date (time)night once a week or once every two weeks. I know one couple who would pop popcorn take two sodas get in the car and park down the street from the house for 30mins. The would eat pop corn and kiss-Not talk about anything serious.
Glad you got roses! Sounds like you deserve that and more. Good luck!
ch21.....Thanks! I agree that
ch21.....Thanks! I agree that SD13 has too much time on her hands...I have tried the activites out side the home and it has not worked well...rude behavior/lies/other parents not wanting SD13 around....not so good...:( Cnt really ever trust SD13 either so it is more stress than it is worth...example: yesterday beach rip: SD13 takes raft and swim mask...plants herself in the water as close to a 5 yr old boy as she could and promptly bent into the water with her booty/crotch in the face of this little boy...then when he would move she would practically swim on top of the poor guy...Maded me sick to see her putting her crotch on top of this little boy...Just to make sure I was seeing things right asked my friend to give me her opinion...it was the same....after a few ties of moving away from the "Vile Crotch Monster" without success the little boy's mom and dad went to stand by him at the water's edge.....i promptly called SD13 out and politely and quietly whispered that her actions were inappropriate....her response: ATTITUDE!!!!! SD13 still thinks I was wrong! These things happen ALL the time.....No judgement...part of her psych issues, yes!...I get it....BUT why do other's have to put up with her disgusting actions? She can pick and choose her actions...she SHOULD be held accountable.....I would have marched ehr over and made her appoligize to the boy's parents if i could have had my way....Im over it....sad....
Yes we are in counceling....more for her dad's needs than SD13 per the therapist and psych dr...dr's say that SD is a lost cause....Goal now is just getting DH to accept it.....sad sad sad I do Like the writing thing....good ideas from you...thanks for the support
Kaam:
Thanks for the suggestions...I am really trying to focus on me...and my marriage...I am just really really SICK over this fire thing and the LACK of concern DH has......wondering if Dh is thinking that SD13 will do more fire stuff if she sees that it gets a huge amount of attention from her Daddy? I just dont know...I do search SD13's room....I have found so many things this way....It is my home and I must look out for the safety of others...My job even if I disengage....I will try giving the 30 day journal a try...not sure if I can do it though....I just have so much resentment now that I have created MYSELF and I just dont know HOW to let it go...I am in a struggle...I cant let this child turn me into a bitter woman any more than she already has....I understand the melt downs are what she wants...so I fight so hard against them....I love the ideas of date time and I am very fortunate that I have support in that...I just cant deal with the DH NOT being upset and punishing SD13 for her behavior...EX: yesterday was a series of lies and BS on the part of SD13 although I took her to the beach and she got gifts/candy for Easter...DH did NOT deal out PUNISHMENT to SD13 AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!! I am doing my part to just "be as nice as I can be" BUT why isn't DH putting the accountability on SD13 for HER being down right MEAN to me??? SHE sees that I "have" to be nice and SHE can do what every SHE wants...I am the sucker and DADDY wont do a thing to HER for being RUDE/NASTY/MEAN!!!! it devalues ME as a person and as his WIFE! I battle wondering if I am jealous...I dont thing i am at all....I have my time and attention from him...it is more than that...I feel DISRESPECTED and not VALUED as a person and as HIS MATE.....I just guess I am wanting SD13 to suffer for all the hurt I am feeling....THIS is what i NEED to be able to change/no longer feel...how do I do that? Does it make sence? I think I "know" what I am feeling and WHY but I dont have a clue how to get the HURT out of me......I know I am wrong in some of this...BUT I still think that DH must be a PARENT to SD13 and part of that is being consistant with HIS punishment/disapproval until SD13 makes some positive steps....He's not doing that at all now and I dont know how to get it across to DH that I feel like HE is just reinforcing the fact that SD13 CAN act anyway she like and get NO punishment...Now "SUCKER StepMom" will just have to "be as nice as she can be" because SM respects DH's wishes!! DH will NOT put his foot down with SD13 and SHE KNOWS IT!!!!! DH can NOT see that HE is being PLAYED by a 13 yr old BRAT!!!!!!!! DH is risking loosing ME forever.....