Bracing myself to re-enter Step-hell
Wow, it's been 5 months since I wrote in here! I haven't been around ST much since, well, I haven't had to deal with SD/BM and so I haven't needed to vent! During the time my DH has been gone I've just worked on myself mentally and physically. I'm feeling a lot stronger and the distance has given me some clarity on the situation. I even traveled overseas by myself and had an amazing life-changing vacation while my DD7 was with her dad for Christmas.
Her dad got divorced again and we've been getting along fine again. His ex, who has only met DD a handful of times tried to be all boo-hoo on Facebook about how she's not going to get to be my DD's stepmother anymore and is generally trying to cling to my DD, which is really weird, but whatever I guess.
DH and I left on a bad note but by the time a month or so rolled around we had worked through it. I've gotten to travel and visit him a couple times and each time has been a blast. We're the people we fell in love with all over again. Things are actually better than they ever were. Now I'm just worried about things changing. While I'm not going back on BC since that screwed up my cycle the last time, we've decided to stop actively trying to conceive. (Previously I was undergoing fertility treatments) We enjoyed each other's company so much and I enjoyed traveling that we decided that while we're not opposed to having children together, if it ends up just being us, that's totally cool too and has its own set of advantages.
I've decided to just stop trying with SD. We've tried court, CPS, etc. and we can't seem to get anywhere to make it where SD4 can get help or even where DH is actually able to parent her in any way, shape or form. For my sanity's sake, I'm just going to stop caring. If nutty BPD BM wants SD to grow up to be an awful miserable person like she is, so be it. I can't let them ruin my life. Because I was such an advocate for SD/DH before, I'm worried about how DH is going to handle the change, although he seems to be happy just seeing me happy and not a miserable shell of a human being. Which is good and gives me hope for the marriage. I'm just so worried about falling back into old patterns and cycles once he's home. Fingers and toes are crossed!
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I haven't. I've found that
I haven't. I've found that with DH, he KNOWS what the truth is about SD and the whole situation in general, he just doesn't like to HEAR about it. If I talk about it, he immediately feels the need to get defensive about it since he views the whole thing as a failure on his part. I think he knows what I'm doing since I've already stopped bringing up SD at all in any conversations we have, but I'd rather not put it right in his face. If he asks, I'll explain it simply that I'm letting him handle it so that it doesn't get between us anymore.
I find myself in the same
I find myself in the same predictament with my SDstb21 ~ he knows her faults but dare I bring them to the surface. His bad images is for him & him alone. To me her horrible behavior is a direct result of poor parenting ~ justifying her behavior instead of disciplining her bahavior. Well she's a bully so you know where I am going with this. The lack of parenting or stretching bad parenting still results in the same outcome ~ my SD is a entitled brat who thinks she can control people ~ she might be able to control her minion friends to build her army but she will never control me ~ and her father loves me & the family we have together. Does he miss her ??? Of course but I believe he misses what she USED to be like ~ the innocent child. Me I don't miss that Narcassistic entitled brat ~ not for one second.
Months back he argued with me ~ it was all the fact that he can't talk to me about her ~ I won't engage ~ won't respond ~ cause I have learned that every time we speak about her it eventually causes a huge problem. So it's better for me to be silent .... It's pathetic but true. When you don't want to hear what an observer has to say ~ your damned.
I am back myself from a
I am back myself from a hiatus, since things were going fairly well for me as well. Please don't beat yourself up if you do fall back into old patterns, because remember that if you care enough to recognize when you're doing it, then you have the power to pull yourself out of those old habits. In my opinion, that is progress just in itself!
I might be an example to you of what the future could be like. My SD grew up to be her miserable mother. And for good measure, they both are borderline personality disorder so it's a super treat
I gave up on my SD (now 18) about 18 months ago. It took a while for me to get over the hurt and anger by disengaging, but about four months ago I started to really feel less emotion about her. Now I encourage my husband to contact her when he needs to speak to her and see her, and I'm simply left out of it. I can't say that I'm completely over it, because I'm not - resentment sometimes flares up momentarily (sometimes I just give her picture the finger!) however, I ALMOST never think about her or feel any negative emotions anymore. I am honest with him about my feelings towards her, but in a kind way… I am open with him that seeing her and being with her just brings back memories that make me sad, and therefore I would prefer to just be left out of it and have him go and enjoy the company of his daughter when he would like to.
It's a long road, but I'm finding it's not as hard as it used to be, the more distance that there is between me and her. I used to feel like a failure because I couldn't protect her from her mother but I realize now, it's really her mother who is the failure for not caring to raise her to be a better human being, and a productive member of society. And SD is making these decisions now to follow the path she has chosen. That doesn't reflect upon me at all. I am happier now, and my husband sees that I am happier, and in truth I think that makes us happier!
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your reply! I think that probably is what the future has in store for us, even though SD is only 4 now. We've tried to get her help, talk to the school, etc but they said without BM's cooperation there's nothing we can do. When I visited my husband overseas I'd remind him to call SD (since the time zones were different) and so I felt that was me doing enough. When he talked about trying to have her over more than the regular visitation (there's an ROFR in the court order) while he's on vacation I just didn't say anything since I don't want to deal with it so I'm thinking it probably won't happen.
I'm glad to see that doing things this way makes you and your husband happier, I hope it works out the same for us as well!