Gotta get my head straight. Mostly a vent.
DH calls me up this morning and tells me he need to decide about whether he should go to SD16s father daughter dance. It costs $130. I tell him it's up to him. He says he thinks we don't have the money. I tell him what's budgeted for the kids and that their account (I keep a separate one just for their stuff) is underfunded. He sighs and says well I guess I won't go. I said, go if it's important to you, we will cut somewhere else. He says, "I don't even know what is important anymore."
So he succeeded in making me be the bad guy. I had to be the one to tell him there wasn't money. Thing is he knew there wasn't money. Now I feel guilty.
We are in different financial boats. I came to the marriage with assets, he came with debt. I got a prenup. Everything we earn now is ours, everything that came before is separate. But in our ours account we need to be on a really strict budget. Personally I can afford little luxuries but he can't. Sometimes I treat myself to something on the sly (out of my own account). I feel guilty about this. FWIW, I also treat him and his kids to things too. But I refuse to totally join finances. They would consume and consume until I had nothing left. Does this make me a bad wife?
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You did right. It's his
You did right. It's his responsibility. AND you said if it's important he should go. You put it back on him and HE made his choice. He is a grownup.Little blame games are for little boys.
Manipulative much?
I understand what you mean.
I understand what you mean. Now this is an event that happens once per year, but still. But I feel like I did do that. I told DH if it was important he should go and we'd cut elsewhere. But I'm not going to pay for it. It's DH responsibility to pay for his kids.
I get what you're saying.
I get what you're saying. When we first got married I took this approach. But it's never just one thing. His kids fund is literally thousands of dollars under budget. It won't be just this, there will be sports banquet, a special camp, etc. multiply that by four kids.
In doing it for past few years I estimate I top off our account several hundred to a thousand dollars per month. BM has declared bankruptcy. Both she and DH have set out upon a lifestyle- four kids in private school - that they just cannot afford. And I'm angry and resentful about being the ATM.
I don't know why I am arguing with you. I asked for opinions and yours is well thought out and legitimate. I guess my resentment has gotten to a point where I think it's worse for my marriage if I give in.
Thousands UNDER budget??? I'm
Thousands UNDER budget??? I'm confused how they can afford private school at all. :?
They can't. But it's court
They can't. But it's court ordered. And BM insists. He is petitioning to get that changed.
Not to be mean, but a father
Not to be mean, but a father daughter dance with a 16 y/o? That sounds creepy to me. At 16 she's darn near a grown woman. When I went to father daughter dances it was always in elementary school.
I'm kind of on the fence about this one. Yes it's definitely his responsibility to budget his money. But this is an out of the ordinary expense. I always make concessions for events/bills that are novel (ie, graduation, dances, etc.) So maybe you can offer to contribute half of the cost from your budget?
And NO you ARE NOT a bad wife! You are a good wife because you actually care.
It's not out of the ordinary.
It's not out of the ordinary. DH and BM send all four kids to fancy private schools. This stuff happens all the time. That's why I set up a special fund for their tuitions and extras like this. The problem is DH bonus was small this year so the fund doesn't have enough in it. If I contri half of each of these types of expenses I'd be out a few grand by years end.
Oh it's like an extra 10-20%
Oh it's like an extra 10-20% on top of tuitions with fees and dances etc.
Oh it's like an extra 10-20%
Oh it's like an extra 10-20% on top of tuitions with fees and dances etc.
Never feel guilty for what
Never feel guilty for what you have paid for by what you've worked for! It's not your fault your DH can't prioritize his spending! You keep your hard earned money for yourself because if you start swooping in to save him now, he'll drag you into debt with him. Hes a grown man, he knows children cost money and money comes from working. The dance costs money and he should have saved up for it or sacrificed his own extra spending to afford it because that's what PARENTS do. Please don't let him guilt you into feeling like you should be a human ATM.
True dat! Why does every
True dat! Why does every dance mean a $30 blowout?
Is this dance an annual event
Is this dance an annual event at the school? If so, why didn't dad (and mom) save up for it?
I have a girlfriend who paid for her ex-husband to have his lights turned back on once. Her mother (his exMIL) also gives him spending money each year for the little girl when she goes on vacation with him, his wife and her 3 kids. Every other year he takes the kid to Disney world and my friend purchases her park passes.
Yup, annual event. I put it
Yup, annual event. I put it in the budget, along with everything else for kids tuitions, activities, child care, etc. it's up to DH to fund the account. He usually does with his bonus but this year it was too small. He may sell his car. Literally sell his car to keep these kids in private school. And BM is bankrupt. FML.
1. Your DH should not have
1. Your DH should not have called you at all. Given the dire financial straits he is in, he should have been the one to tell his sweet child,
"Honey, this year this is not going to happen. Daddy did not get a bonus that could cover it. Let me take you to the Dairy Queen the night of the dance and we will have a very special father/daughter pair of smoothies!" Why does he need to ask you? He is an adult who is about to sell his car to fund his offspring's education. Dance? What dance? It is not in the budget.
2. You would naturally feel guilty having been made the bad guy, but a dance it not cancer treatment, FFS, it is fluff, a want, not a need.
Stop guilting yourself. You are being a responsible adult.
3. Marriage: your resentment would grow and grow if you keep funding his FOUR kids' extras, which will be VERY BAD for your marriage. You will eventually resent *him* for bringing all this (financial) dysfunction into your life. It is not better for your marriage to give him the money to spend on his kids. They will not appreciate it, and your resentment of him will deepen.
4. Your DH (and mine also) could use a crash course in How to Say NO with Love. It is ok to say no to your children - I do it every day - it does NOT mean you do not love them. They lead cotton-couched lives where they barely understand what DOING WITHOUT means. His 16yo will be scarred for life if she does not get to waltz around the floor with her good ole dad? In the words of a very old song, Let me take you by the hand and lead you through the streets of London - I'll show you something to make you change your mind...