i cried alot this weekend. am i being too sensitive?
this weekend i broke down and cried for the first time since i have been back. it's ending soccer season and my fiance coaches his 10yr daughter's soccer team. well, saturday was a game and i finally got to go see her play (she has been wanting me to see her play for a while). usually bm is there so i was expecting to see her there. i had only had 2 interactions with her so far - one time i had to pick up sd on my own because my finace was working late. bm was very cordial at that time - i could totally tell it was forced.
throughout the year, the 10yr and i have become fairly close for the most part, except for the past few weeks. it seems that she is becoming more distant and not nearly as engaging with me. i am certain it is her lovely BM feeding her thoughts. also my fiance's 16 yo son has been on and off with me since day 1. one weekend he's engaging, the next he barely says 2 words. and forget hello's and goodbyes - oh and thank you's - those words do not exist in his vocabulary - at least to me. i brought him back a really cool sweater from ny - he said nothing.
so before we headed to the game we had to stop and pick up sd from her ballet class. her cousin (bm's sisters daughter) ended up coming with us. so they get in the car and the first thing her and her cousin start talking about directly to her dad (without even saying hello to me) is that now she is not the only one with divorced parents and that a friend on her soccer team is too and that divorce is so sad, etc etc. i said 'it must be hard sweetie.' no response. i must have not existed as she continued chatting with her cousin. she wouldn't look at me or talk to me the entire ride. when we get on the field the girls start warming up and sd comes over and gives me a quick hug so that made me feel a little better.
i do alot for this little girl. one example: backtracking to last week - it was her birthday a week before i returned last week and my fiance and i decided to wait til i got back to celebrate her birthday together. so i told her to invite 4 of her friends over for a sleepover / birthday party sat night. i edcorated the entire house, bought amazing goodie bags for her and all of her friends. i bought her a crap load of presents - i mean this girl got spoiled (personally, looking back in hindsight i went overboard). my fiance just picked the girls up and i did everything, bought everything. ordered a custom cake, balloons, nintendo DS, games to go with it, tons of clothes, coat, everything. i wanted her to feel special. the party was a success and everyone had an amazing time.
fast forwardto the soccer field this weekend, during the middle of the game, bm and ss showed up (she had them this weekend - we have them every other weekend for 3 days plus a couple days midweek). i was sitting on the same side as my fiance while he coached and she sat on the opposite side. ss walked over to hug his dad. i said hi - he barely said hi back. he bent down to pet the dog and walked away. he didn't say a word to me the entire game, nor did he come near me. after the game, lovely bm walked across the field and right up to my fiance and started chatting with him. at that point i was playing with the other girls on the team. i let them chat for a minute and then i walked over. she said nothing to me. and i might as well disappeared to sd because she didn't even acknowledge my existance at all. we had to walk them to the car because we had sd's things in our car. bm walked ahead with kids in each arm and my fiance and i walked behind them. it was all very awkward. they all said bye to my fiance and said nothing to me.
i don't know, maybe i am just being sensitive, but as soon as we drove away i couldn't help but cry. my fiance took me to see a movie to make me feel better but i just felt bummed all day. then later he says 'you are going to have to make a decision once and for all if you can handle this. i know my kids were out of line but they are going through a hard time. i am like 'OKAY..umm..i understand they are but they seem to be doing pretty fine to me. and what about me? aren't you suppose to have my back here, just a little? we've already established we're both committed but dang! can i get just a little sympathy?' of course it ended in a fight and the remaining day was ruined. the next day was better as i tried putting it behind me.
the kids are coming on tuesday and part of me wants to have a talk with them but another part of me wants to give them the same cold shoulder they gave me on saturday. i just don't feel up to opening my wallet or doing anything nice for either of them anymore. my fiance said he was going to have a talk with them in front of me but i think that's awkward. we would all feel uncomfortable i think if it seemed as though he was talking at them in front of me. but none of us have ever really discussed our feelings all together. i just really don't want to feel totally disregarded like that. and it becomes more and more evident from both kids that they are being more distant with me. it really hurts. i had a talk with sd last week before her birthday party. she said thanks for doing all of this for her and i told her that i did it because i care about her very much. i also told her that i wanted her to know that i never want her to think that i would try to replace her mom but that i want to be important in her life too. she smiled and hugged me.
i know a part of her cares for me and she is going through a hard time but i just want a wee bit acknowledgement even when bm is around. i don't need them to be around me at all. hell they can spend the entire time with her - i don't care if bm ever talks to me but kids, show me a little respect please!
i have read other posts with simlar experiences so i know this is nothing new. anyone have any suggestions for me? greatly appreciated - thanks!
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Comments
not too sensitive...just human
It sounds like the girl has no problems with you and the two of you are building a good relationship. Keep focusing on the positive and realize that if it was an akward situation for you then it had to be much more akward for the kids. They probably don't want to "betray" their mom by liking you in front of her. Or they just didn't realize what they were doing because they were caught up in the moment.
As far as the boy goes....16 is a distant age for teens. Girls are emotional and whinny and boys withdraw from parents(in most cases)
He might open up to you or he might never find a reason to. It isn't anything personal, just the age and situation.
It sounds like the BM is decent enough so far and your fiance is definitely supportive of you. Nobody has gotten into the routine of including you yet.
Either relax and let things continue knowing that you are an important worthy loved person in your fiances life(this takes a lot of self control and confidence), or make yourself more obvious but not abrasive by starting out with comments on their conversations and working your way into becoming a part of all of their onteraction over time.
More than anything don't allow the fiance or kids to feel caught in the middle of any insecurities about the ex and different situations. It will cause more problems, heartaches, and insecurities than you will be able to even see let alone deal with.
Good luck and keep being the wonderful SM that you appeasr to be. Your doing a good job.
Lisa Dawn
Don't take it personally
It really sounds like you're starting out on the right foot. You've let the kids know that you welcome them into your life. That is so good. And so far they seem indifferent or happy to see you. That is so good too. But first I want you to keep some things in mind: These are kids. They will test the boundaries. They will see what buttons they can push. They do this with every adult they come across, so it's not just you. And try to remember when you were a kid... you did it too. I know I did (sometimes I still do.) As for the feelings of being taken for granted, well, welcome to being a "parent," step or otherwise. As for being ignored, speak up! But keep it friendly. I think what you need to communicate to these kids is not that they hurt your feelings, but that their childish games don't hurt your feelings, because you're too old (& self respecting) to to play silly games. You don't have to sit them down & explain it to them. Just use your backbone. Continue to be kind & friendly to them, continue to welcome them, but let them know where the boundaries are & that they are not to treat you with disrespect. Please do so in a gentle but firm way, especially since they sound like good kids in a tough situation.
Hope this helps. If not, you might want to hit the bookstores.
Hipi
It's a hard situationf or all...
sometimes my BF's kids acknowledge me and sometimes they don't. Fortunately their BM when we are all around, seems to have no problem with them and me. Last month I invited my BF and his daughter and her friend to spend a weekend with me in the desert at my step-sons house, it is awesome house and we all had a great time, swimming, biking, etc. When we left - I drove separately because I went down a day earlier than they did - not one of the girls said thank you to me. That really hurt me at first, but then I though about it, and really my BF should have said to the girls, don't forget to thank Vicki for a nice weekend. They are both 13! So maybe your BF could say something to his kids about acknowledging you. Or '____, don't forget to say hi to _______". As far as the 16 year old, kids this age are very moody, and sometimes divorce is harder on the older kids than the younger ones. So hang in there if you really love this guy. But he's right...you need to make a decision if you can handle the whole 'blended family thing'.
Open Heart, Closed Wallet
The thing that struck a bell with me is that you are buying and doing things for your SD (and probably your SS) and it seems like it isn't appreciated even a little. My SD is grown (20 w/ newborn). My DH and I got together when SD was still in high school. SD and DH lived with me her senior year. I also wanted to do things and "bond" with SD, not replace mom, but more like a close Aunt or something. At least that is how I figured it. Everytime it seemed like we were developing a relationship, it backfired. If I spend time or effort on something - she finds a way to throw it back in my face. Everything, every time. (Buy dinner - she won't eat it, buy her earrings, she sells them, give her a baby shower - she thanks Dad, etc.) I keep the communication lines open, but I don't spend anything on SD at all anymore. No cash flow to her. If there is a real issue she has, she always brings it to me. I'll work through the problem with her, and then let her execute on the resolution. No action or cash from me to solve anything. If she needs something that costs money - she has to go to her father. I am no longer "the wallet" I don't think I will ever be able to share or give things to her. Amazingly enough, this situation makes me want to cry too. With a ten year old - you may be able to overcome this type of behavior. However, I am trying to learn to have an open heart and a closed wallet.
You're not being too
You're not being too sensitive. Of course I know exactly where you are coming from and how that feels. Your story sounds just like what I've experience. My husband tells me the same things that your fiance told you and those words are not very comforting are they? When he tells me that I never feel any better.
That whole walking to the car awkwardness......wow.......I know what you mean there too.
Sometimes I point things out to ss when he does them but sometimes I'm too hurt. One night last week, we were dropping ss off at Boy Scouts and he got out of the car and said bye Dad. I just kind of sat there like, ok, I'm here.....hello! I told him about it later and he claimed that he thought he said bye guys(which he did not).
I don't have a good solution for you except to tell them. Their both old enough to understand that they are hurting your feelings.
Dawn
Aggravating Huh?
My skids do not acknowledge me unless they need something. If BM is around.. then fogeat 'bout it. We have simple rules treat me like you would a complete stranger. Hello, thank you, good-bye, please. I will not be home for dinner. I will be home late from school.
I do ignore them when they want something and have not used the above words. They get upset, call DH. He calls me, and I say... what do you mean.. I didn't know they were home or when they call for a ride, I
did not know that they left. What happens here, is they first call DH to pick up or drop off, he shoots them back to me like he is suppose to. Then he gets angry with me when I ignore them like they ignore me. I then have to remind him that they need to acknowledge me. So until that is ingrained into their skulls you will receive these calls. and one way to reinforce this would be by NOT accommodating them and let them find an alternate taxi service.
My all time favorite--- When he comes home to take them to a Dr's. appt. AND is running late. I have no clue where your kids are...
A whole lot of mental games, I think. BUT If these were our BIO's we wouldn't have these discussions and I would handle everything and would never let the kids bother him at work. But since I am JUST the cook, bottle washer and supervisor, he gets to hear it all. And until he decides to support instilling respect and responsibility... he is going to feel the pain.
thanks ladies!
really great advice..and so glad to know that some of you share this kind of pain. i know this is just the beginning and i am in for a lot more than what i have experienced so far. i have made a commitment so i am giving it everything i have!
it's amazing how one day can be so nice and great and the next day i feel like a tornado came and ripped my house out of the ground and i wake up feeling misplaced in a completely different world. guess i'm not in kansas anymore :?