The Therapist Report....
Not nearly as entertaining as The Colbert Report used to be, but almost as silly.
Last night, DH disclosed that he isn't angry at ASS for his behavior. He said that while he does get angry "in the moment", he mostly feels sad when ASS acts like as ass.
Now, I know this kid isn't my kid, so I know I feel differently about all things ASS than DH does, but COME ON, DUDE!!! I have done the tough love thing with DD25 when she was 19, so it's not that I don't understand how to handle a kid who slides off the rails.
Maybe it's just me, but I don't excuse bad behavior simply because of DNA.
So, tell me, wise STalkers - what the HELL is DH thinking? Is he sad? Is it DNA? Is it that I am a total bitch?? What?????
Have any of you been in this situation? Where you know your kid is an ASS of epic proportion, but you just can't get mad about it? Do you let things slide because it's your kid doing the dirty??
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*sigh* WOB my SS is
*sigh* WOB my SS is aggressive. He gets physical with my youngest(20 months). I get furious, my husband makes excuses or reasons as to why SS does it. They are BOTH his children. One is a COD and the other is from intact parents. That's all I have for you.
I think he just feels
I think he just feels defeated. Eventually, it just takes too much energy and I think your DH knows that if ASS ever changes, it's not going to be because of anything DH does.
You knew who your DD was and what she was capable of, so the tough love was worth it to you.
i hope your ears were burning
i hope your ears were burning last night, i was talking to dh about some kids that you just. cant. break, including my brother, hubby himself, A$$, and kaos. we were talking about the whole "i just cant submit to your authority" BS. i'm with heariam, i think your dh is just defeated.
i told him about all the punishments and consequences your dh has given A$$, and that dad inflicted on my brother - dad was RELENTLESS in his follow-thru, but he eventually had to admit defeat. that is a devestating pill for a parent to swallow. the only thing that changed bro was time, whenever HE was ready - had nothing to do with anyone else. i see the same outcome for A$$ and kaos both.
people like that will do what they want to do, when they want. your kids werent like that, so it's hard to wrap your head around it.
DH chooses to tolerate and
DH chooses to tolerate and accept ASS. You don't have to. Confront the little prick each and every time he flaps his ASS. Inform him that you will not tolerate him and for sure will not tolerate him behaving towards your husband in any way but with respect. If DH will not stand up for himself then it is extremely reasonable for you to stand up for your husband.
My dad gave me clarity on a couple of occassions during my brain fart teen boy years. He gave the same message to my brother. No one would speak to or behave toward his wife in any manner other than with respect. Even if she happened to be our mother. Mom gave us the same message regarding her husband.
My bride and I long ago adopted that inviolable perspective towards each other. The kid learned it and only very rarely violated that policy much to his chagrin.
the good news, Rags, is that
the good news, Rags, is that ASS is either in his room or out of the house, so I hardly ever see him, let alone interact with him.
This morning, I was in the laundry room/pantry getting some cat food for my kitty. As I was walking out, ASS was walking in. He saw me, stopped in his tracks, backed up and went back into his room until I was back upstairs. He is afraid of me
thankfully, DH has made great
thankfully, DH has made great strides in the "I have to support this kid financially" thing...
My DH also believes that hard work and effort resolves everything. It's always worked for him and he just assumes that ASS (and the other kids) will be just like him. They aren't. They are half of their crazy ASS mother and at least in ASS'S case, he certainly lacks the same empathy gene that Medusa does.
I hear ya....with my DH, he
I hear ya....with my DH, he notices, and even will say things like "hey take a shower" or "hey, put on your coat" but when the kid doesn't, he just doesn't care.
Part of me is that way, too. I mean, hey, if a 16 year old kid is dumb enough to not wear a coat in the winter, then I guess he will be cold, right?
DH was getting angry with me because, like you, I was noticing every single thing. I began handling some things myself - text to BabyVoice "please wipe your sandwich crumbs off the counter when you make your sandwich" - and let other things go or told DH to handle them instead. Seems to have paid off, I guess.
he definitely feels like a
he definitely feels like a failure when it comes to ASS.
Therapist is working really hard to help him understand that he has given ASS every available avenue of assistance, all the trappings of an upper middle class upbringing and all ASS does is thumb his nose. She keeps reminding him to look at BabyVoice and KarateKid to see how kids who aren't hellbent on self-destruction can take those same things and NOT be dicks
I think emotions are
I think emotions are functional. They give us information about what's happening.
Usually, anger is about feeling powerless. When we feel and express anger, we get big, use big voices, our thoughts are big (and black and white) and we take up space and get the attention of people around us.
Sadness is also about feeling powerless, but without the frustration, hurt, or surprise. It's more about acceptance.
I really don't know where your DH's head is at, but I am sure he loves his kid and is deeply saddened by what a jerk he has become.
thanks, baby. It helps to
thanks, baby. It helps to know that he's not being totally Disney dad.