Is it our jobs ot save the step kids?
I was reading a recent post and thought here we all are trying our best to save or help out step kids and to do our very best as parents. Many of us have been thrown into this and are just finding our way ourselves. Someone in one of the post wrote that we can do whatever we like but the Biomom has the power to undermine us even if the kids interest are in the forefront but because it is the stepmom it is a bad idea.
So do we keep trying because after all they are just innocent children or do we step aside and let the bioparents run the show. Is it our jobs to just worry about our own kids and our own marriages? I don't want my son in that situation. I know if I let the negativlity of it all get to me my marriage will breakdown and where does that get everyone? A Sd that now has to endure two divorces and my own son going through a divorce.
Thoughts?
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Comments
I Don't think it's enough
to just get by. It is important(I think), to pick your battles, not just the ones that can be won. Because it not about winning. For me it's about managing. The double standard of boundries drives me nuts. This is were I choose to fight. I do not tell bio-mom how she should raise the kids or confront the inconsistencies, etc... However she will call and tell me/us not to do (fill in the blank). When it comes to respect and treating others poorly in my household, or bio-mom placing her responsibilities upon us/ or the kids not taking responsibilty for themselves, this is where I am taking a stand.
I really think we continue to try because we love our spouse and do not want to go down the divorce path again. I know we got a good thing goin' on and some day we will enjoy it!
Mom and Step Mom
Wow, just read the thread and you are all in the same place or have been in the same place that I am now....
I always take the approach that BM is number 1 and I am just the extra person, supporting my husband and SS. He is now 13.
My husband and his ex have never gotten over the past issues and he rather not deal with her. For a while, she and I worked together, her choice, when she approached me and said that "you have a way of getting him to listen, that I never could...."
Well, long story short, I try to be fair, reasonable and rational. We have a daughter together and I have 2 girls from my first marriage, so I appreciate the position she is in and always try to empathize with her and think "if it were me, what would I want, how would I want to be treated"
We managed to all work through the family issues and had 1 year of peace and working together (all 3 of us), but now, the BM wants me to "step back" I guess because things are not going her way. She was caught lying to get extra time with her son, took an extra vacation day by making plans with her son's friend and managed to get extra time on Halloween too, even though it was not her year to have him (they had a big fight last year and she decided not to take him, even though it was her year to have him for the night)
I have told her that all scheduling and activities for 1 child affect all 4, and that I along with my husband need to discuss and agree on those so that we can manage a very busy house. She told my husband that it is not her concern how her son's activities affect our house and she in not going to plan around our family.....even if what she does means stress not only to me, but her own son, because one person being stressed translates to upheaval and chaos for all.....meanwhile I had a lot of "schmoozing" from her last year "how do you do it? 4 kids, 2 dogs and a full time job?" She always built it up and made me think she understood.
When she was caught lying, we asked her why she did it....when she took the extra vacation day, we looked the other way, when she drank too much at her son's function or took him to school late excessively, we kept our mouths shut....but she went to far recently and we let her know (together) that we were not going to put up with it anymore. Her attorney suggested a parent coordinator...and now she brings it up weekly....that is what she wants to do. Even when she has already made a decision, now she back tracks and tells us, oh well, looks like we have to go to a parent coordinator. We don't have the time, money or energy for this now...and these are simple decisions (i.e. on snow days how about changing pick up time to 9 a.m. so it is safer to drive the roads?)
Well, holiday time is here....it is our turn to have my SS and we made plans that include dinner with my family out of state. We told her the drop off time would b 10 p.m. At first she was fine with this and agreed....but she wants to force us to see a parent coordinator and now is purposely trying to cause problems to force us to agree to this....I don't have the time or money and there is no drop off time specified...so we can bring him home anytime during the day. She is trying to force it to be 6 p.m. (meanwhile when she has my SS for Thanksgiving, we do not split or share the day....)
I am torn between staying involved and removing myself too....not just because my step son has been dragged in by his mom .... but because these issues affect our other 3 daughters too.
I am looking for a resource and this group is the first one I found that seems to understand.....
Heck, no.
I don't consider it my job to save my stepkids or even to raise them. That's what their parents are for. I do think it is my job - no, make that my privilege - to support my husband so that he can be the best father he can be as a noncustodial parent and to be welcoming of his children into our home and our family. I do take my stepparenting very seriously, but I know what my limits are and I stick to them. I wholeheartedly believe in boundaries and respect for everyone involved.
I don't deal with their mother if she's being hostile for any reason. Period. The last thing we need when she is going off is for me to go off on her in return, that just creates more chaos. One of my functions in our family is paying the bills, dealing with insurance, all that kind of paperwork stuff, so I will always email her if there are changes to the insurance or if there's some "business" issue that comes up. I make sure she has updated copies of all insurance cards, insurance policies, etc. I ask her what the kids need/want when their birthdays or Christmas are approaching. Other than that, I don't really talk much with her. My husband handles talking to her about all the hard stuff. I just stick to business end of it.
When it comes to issues regarding visitation, my husband makes those arrangements. I email the kids on a regular basis, but I don't telephone them because I know it would be hard for her to hear them talk enthusiastically to me. As for discipline, I use time-out for the younger ones and restriction of privileges for the older ones. I also will have my husband have a "chat" with them, as needed. I do not, have never and will never spank my stepchildren. I don't feel that is my place. When the kids are with us, I cook for them, clean up after them, care for them when they are sick, hug them, love them, play with them, kiss their boo boos, talk to them and hang out with them. But when they go back home, I go "off duty." I do not go to parent/teacher conferences, doctor's appointments or schoool functions, unless their dad asks me to go. Basically, if it doesn't happen at our house, then I don't get involved. I show my husband that I am interested, but I make it a point not to insinuate myself where I really don't need to be.
I will take as active a role in the kids' lives as their mother will let me, but I try very hard not to overstep my bounds. She's their mother, she has sole legal and physical custody, they are ultimately her responsibility and how they turn out is going to be either her success or her failure, not mine. I do everything I can to make them welcome in our home and in our family, but I don't try to "mother" them. They already have a mom. My relationship with them is more like a doting aunt... I bake them cookies, give them cool presents, hang out with them and then turn them back over to their mother when I've had enough.
In short, I am very hands on when they are with us and very hands off when they are not, but at no time do I ever for one single second contemplate that these children are my responsibility to raise to adulthood. I am a resource for my husband, but it is his and their mother's job to raise them.
~ Anne ~
That seems so healthy
Anne-How did you come to seperate all that. It's so rational. I just can't seem to turn it on and off. I would like to--
FOUR LONG YEARS OF ABUSE!
You know how they say sometimes you have to hit rock bottom? I hit it and HARD. I went into my marriage so excited about becoming a stepmom. I had a child of my own, but I was so looking forward to having three new stepchildren. I was totally excited! Then SHE struck. She managed to suck the joy out of every single thing. I wasted four years of my life letting her make me feel like crap and letting myself be the target for her vindictiveness. No matter how hard I tried to be a good second mother to her kids, nothing was appreciated and every good thing I tried just made things worse. It was hell. A couple of years ago, though, we had a huge transition in our family. My husband retired from the military and we moved out of state. I just took that opportunity to "start fresh" and I swore that I would never let that woman dictate my life again. It's hard to detach, but I felt like it was either remove myself from the equation or I'd lose my mind. I just didn't feel like being victimized by her for the rest of my life, so I made the choice not to be her victim anymore. I have my own kids to raise, my own marriage to fret over... I could not care less what kind of drama she wants to stir up in her life, as long as she keeps me out of it. I may not have a deep mother-child bond with my stepkids like I do with my own kids, but that's for their mother to have with them and that's okay. Sometimes I think we just try too hard!
~ Anne ~
I second that!
I too jumped in to the chaos of watching my dh trying to raise a child with an ex gf. Talk about dysfunctional! So I do what I always do, I take care of it. I did so with keeping in mind how I might offend bm, and every time I did do something for ss, I tried to do so without stepping on her boundaries. I wasn't always successful, but I just tried.
After years of feeling abused and taken for granted, I just decided that raising my ss wasn't my responsibility. My job as my husband's wife is to support him in being the best dad he can possibly be. And if bm decides to make bad decisions, or to allow ss to raise himself, or allow him to make adult based decisions, well there is nothing I or my dh can do about it. Basically, I did detach myself from the expectation that my ss will grow up to be more like his dad, rather than more like his bm's side of the fam. They all live on the poor side of town, a lot of drug abuse, no one graduates from high school, or does well in their occupations, no drivers license yet they drive, and kids born out of wedlock every where..(usually multiple children and no one sharing the same father type of deal).
I just stopped expecting that how I would raise my kids would be the policy for how I wanted my ss to be raised. And let me tell you something, I do not have the same level of stress that I use to. I no longer feel so disappointed when bm moves every three months, or if she got pg again by another one night stand, or if my ss moves back in with bm, or whatever.
Now we do have our boundaries at our house for ss. And my dh is all over him with enforcing those rules. But if bm decides that she wants him full time again, well then she will get him, and I just won't be disappointed about it.
I feel by letting go, I am saving my sanity, which in turn my dh receives a better wife, and our son's receive a better mother/step-mother.
This takes work, you just need to remind yourself daily, that you need to let go a little, and take a step back, and let the parents do what they want to. It isn't your job to rescue these kids from their parents, your only job to these kids is to be a positive role model. That is it.
I am the same as you! This
I am the same as you! This is exactly how I handle the situation. It sthe only way I could keep my sanity
How?
How would that work if they lived with you full time, your DH had sole custody and he was gone for a week at a time or longer with his job? Could you be so removed then? If so , please tell me. Love all my kids.
Anne thank you
I needed to hear that. I am where you were. I feel unappreciated, beaten up and used. I am wasting valuable energy on the negative side of my life, and it is only negative because I allow my thoughts to be. The rest of my life is wonderful but I am afraid I am letting her eat me up.
I like your approach. I am very supportive of my husband. I think where I fail are in my expectations. Expecting that one day BIOmom will say "thanks" but it is the opposite the more I do the more I feel hurt. I need to realize the thank yous are never coming.
I know my role is a stepmom. SD has and loves her mom. I just maybe needed to understand where I fit into the story. I love my SD but it will never be the same as my very own. I think the relationship is more liken to one of an aunt and niece. Maybe that is just how I should view it.
I guess I need to get to where you are. It has been three years of shit and already I am tired. I need to find the place where you are.
Thanks
Tyra
You said it all when you said that you were only failing in your own expectations. We are always a lot harder on ourselves, we're our own worst critics, I think. A lot of times we do it to ourselves, you know? We want to be great moms to our stepchildren because we love our husbands and want them to be happy and because we want to show these children that we also love and accept them. We jump into the new family hoping/expecting these women to be GRATEFUL that we are there helping to raise their children. It's a little arrogant, when you think about it. I doubt that I would be all that grateful if I were the biological mother in this situation. I'd be worried that she'd be a better mom than me and that my kids might come to love her more. I think it's just the nature of the beast when you're dealing with stepfamiles. If you don't take an interest in the kids, then you're the devil incarnate. If you take too much of an interest, then you're trying to take mom's place, which is even worse. It's hard to find that happy middle ground where everyone is unthreatened and happy, but it can be found. Sometimes you just have to stop looking for it and let it come to you. Hang it there!
~ Anne ~
i'm hands & mouth shut when
i'm hands & mouth shut when it comes to dealing w/ss, i let my husband deal w/him. as long as it doesn't affect my household well being. my focus is my daughter, ss is w/us only 8 times a month. that doesn't give us enough time to have a good, a lot of time to spend w/him. we make his visits w/us fun and good for the short time we have him. his biomom will 95% reject our suggestions anyways so we don't bother making up most of the decisions, and only step in if it affects ss's health/wellbeing.
-happy mom
I am confused
How can you be detached when there are children involved? If their own parents fail them, their own mother does horrible things that harm them mentally and their own father doesn't see it or deal with it...how can you stand by and do nothing?? I am not passing any judgments here, just trying to understand how to do it, so I can do it...lol.
I just got a little numb
I just got a little numb after the first three or four years, which made it a little easier for me to disengage once I made the decision to do so. I had to do it or else I'd soon be no good to my husband or our children, I was that miserable.
Also, I know in my heart of hearts that I did everything I could to be the absolute best stepparent I could be to my stepchildren and I still am, I just refrain from doing my stepmothering on her time or get involved in parental decisions/debates. I can and sometimes do influence my husband, but I know I will never influence the kids' mother. The sad part is that there are lots of children in this world who are in a lot worse shape than my stepchildren are or ever could be and no one, not a single one of us, can save them all. As long as they have a mother and a father, it's simply not my place to raise my stepchildren. I can totally feel sympathy for the things that they go through, but I am powerless to change their mother or her lifestyle or her decision-making process. I also have no control over Britney Spears driving with her kid in her lap. Same idea. As soon as I accepted that, my life got a whole lot easier.
~ Anne ~
you do it by..
coming to the realization that you can not save the entire world. Anne's points are so valid! Her statements are so true, you can not save these kids from their parents, all you can do is...do your best as a wife, mother, stepmother, etc..and that is it.
You strive to be the best stepmother b/c you love your husband and his kids. When things don't go the way you wished they had gone, remind yourself that you tried, and move on. Learn to let go by reminding yourself that it isn't your responsibility to raise them, the buck stops with their parents, and continue on with your life. Just knowing in your heart that you tried for these kids, and letting go of the control over trying to get their parents to do what you see is right, is what will save your sanity.
It isn't the easiest thing in the world, and sometimes it takes being abused, and taken for granted before you to come to this point. From my personal experience, the more I tried to provide for ss, the more he resented me. So when I decided to let go of the control, and to just let his parents do the parenting, is when I found my ss coming to me anyway. It's so interesting to me to see how much more I gained in influence and control by letting go, and leaving it up the the parents, and now ss comes to me when he needs something, and bm calls me, not dh, but me when she needs to vent or discuss problems/plans with ss. I never could have predicted this 5 years ago when we were doing nothing but fighting. It's so strange how things turn around.
Remember, it is one day at a time, and all you can do is your best...
Bests,
Candice
To Hesitant...
not sure if your question was directed towards me...but i'll answer it. i say hands off & mouth shut towards my ss because his mother and father are pretty good when it comes to raising him. so i have no worries. there are things i don't agree with at times but it's not my biological child and if i say something, i'll be looked upon as the mean stepmother...so i just stop doing that a long time ago.
-happy mom
I have been living in a step
I have been living in a step family for almost 14 years and if I knew what I knew, I would NEVER take it on again. That's not to say I don't love my husband dearly - I do, but 14 years of feeling like this isn't worth it in the long run.
I have two bio kids (19 & 16) and 2 steps (17 and 13). I have come to the point where I even loathe my own kids most days. I truly look forward to the day when they are all out of the house.
Do They All Live There
Kids that don't grow up together shouldn't be forced to live together. Your own kids behavior may have changed because they were resentful of your husbands kids and hated the situation they were forced into. A friend of ours got divorced and has 2 lovely children. 8 and 12. Not long after the divorce she met a man, moved him in and put her house up for sale because they were going to get married and all live in one house. Problem was her kids hated his kids, and couldn't stand him either. I lost all respect for this woman, because she put this guy over her own children's happiness. Of course they should have been angry and it will get worse when their teens.
I am Dad's wife
I've been in SD's life for 9 years, now. And, I think that Anne sums up my approach pretty well. I support DH in his role as SD's father. I am his partner as he parents SD.
So, when she's with us, I act as a responsible adult in her life. When she isn't, I do what I can to help DH in his role as her parent.
Now that she's with us full-time, I treat her like any other child who lives in my home full-time, while still respecting that I am not her mother. That someone else already holds that title.
Since she moved in with us, SD has come across times where she has needed to refer to me when talking to friends. She almost always calls me 'Dad's wife' (which makes me feel like a newlywed for some reason
). It makes me a little sad, but I realize that the words don't really reflect our actual relationship with each other, they just explain how we know each other. They also show respect for her mother's feelings, I think.
The thing is, over the years, I've come to love her through her father's eyes, and through my own relationship with her. I want her future to be bright & want to help her get there. So, I do. But, I'm lucky, because I can.
And, sometimes, she slips up & calls me her 'stepmom'. And that's just wonderful to me.
So - is it our jobs to parent stepkids? No. It doesn't have to be. But, it can be, if you want & if you are supported in that role.
I am lucky that I have a
I am lucky that I have a wonderful husband who truly is supportive about my role as step mom. I guess I have had a problem in the Biomom can not accept all the kind and nuturing things I do for SD. Biomom won't allow SD to refer to me as Stepmom, only be my first name. They thankfully have recognized her brother as just that.
I am working on getting over my expectations of her. I am realizing too that it doesn't matter about the "title" but it is more about the relationship that I share with Sd. I know that this little one loves me , her daddy and her baby brother. She has asked to be with us equal time as mommy (not permitted but we are figthing in court) so I know she wants to be with us.
Sometimes it is when you know you are really trying to do the right thing ang Biomom just stabs you in the heart. Again I am learning that is just her insecurites and it is my reactions to those that count. I am trying not to take it personally. What counts is my family.
Nope...
No not our job to clean up the bio parents messes or do any portion of THEIR job for THEM..We are not our step kids saviors..
Protecting Step Kids is about Connecting with them and learning
I may duplicate some answers in the thread. But I'd like to put in somethings that stick out for me.
One, lets just get it out of the way. You may be the Step, but lets get it straight, your responsibility is the mom, so you can show your step son how to react to negativity.
There will be negativity in the world, and my step son knows that it will either hold him back or allow him to not even consider it. And the best way to do this is to get and stay connected. I don't mean to make out a contract and talk about the rules...
I mean a very deep, emotional connections that can only be gained by you knowing yourself and you knowing him. About the little things that make up his world. And in a step family your patterns will most likely be different than his. Discovering the difference will allow you so learn so much more about yourself and why the BM is in your question.
My greatest teacher that I allowed in my life is my Step Son. I wasted 4 years not connecting, until I decided to do something different. I went against the main stream, contract, Dr. Phil stuff and found out what really works. And dealing with the BM is the same.
So, connect with your step son, deeply. And allow you to learn more about yourself.
I wish you the best for you and your son.
Thank you for sharing and allowing me to be touched today.
Emmett Pennington, Visionary Step Dad
http://www.stepdads101.com