I can't stop crying
It is almost 2am here and my life has just fallen apart. It is so sad the power that the EX's have and the lack of power that our husbands have. I don't know what to do at this point. My heart aches and I don't have it in me to continue like this for the next minute, hour,day, year, ten years or a life time.
I sat and listen to my DH talk to his EX for almost 2 1/2 hours this evening. (good thing I am typing and this is not paper because you wouldn't be able to read because of my tears). The big topic was husband wanting 50% of his daugther..they are due to go to court in the fall but are hoping to resolve this without going.
The conversation turns to me and our one and only big fight we had last year. I was out of line and said some bad things....eg no one likes you, you have done terrible things to people etc. Most of things my husband has told me (the affair with her Best friend) and then other things that she has done to my husband. She has hurt him dearly. I guess I was saying all the things that he wanted but couldn't. Has she done anything really awful to me...no...just hurt someone I love dearly.
Well, I could hear the entire conversation....and she will not give him 50% with me here. Because I am so evil. He has made so many sacrifices for this 50%...it is like let's just make it to end. I love him so much and we really have this amazing relationship and life except for this one area. I am just so tired. I picture the rest of my life being left out of all of SD's achievements. My Dh and our kids going off and me just sitting at home. I just can't do it. I don't have it in me and then to have the guilt that he can't get the one thing that he wants more than anything ...his daugther 50%..I can't live with that.
The thing that hurt me most was how when she was calling me everything in the book...he defended me sometimes ever so quietly but most of the time ...over 2 hours....just letting her say the things and then I think back to what began this mess was my desire to defend him against her because he couldn't.
I remember that night when we had this fight, he looked at her and said "this has nothing to do with us, we will carry on the same way, everything is still good" and then when she left crying...he looked at me and said should I go after her and say goodbye......my heart broke.
Am I not worthy enough to fight for? After all that I have endured the last four year, for all the support and love I gave him when she got down and dirty in court, for all the love I have given to his daugther. Am I not worth it?
So now here I am thinking I need to leave my husband so that he can have his daugther but what about my son and soon to be born child? What about me how do I continue on in this....knowing I sit somewhere at the bottom? Do I deserve to have a husband who will go to bat for me? Who loves us and our fmaily enough to stick up for us?
I just don't know what to do. My heart is so crushed right now.
- tyra's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I'm so sorry....
I just read your post and I feel your pain. I've been there and I wish there was something really wise I could say to make everything better.... The ex cannot and should not be allowed to dictate your lives.... I don't know what you are willing to do anymore but I would fight the bitch with everything I have. No judge in their right mind would hand over that much power to anyone. Remember that they see this stuff each and every day, bitter ex wives whom are incapable of moving on with their own lives and therefore dwell on their ex husband's new wives and try to make everyone miserable by attempting to dictate their ex husbands by using their children as tools in an attempt to seek control.
Again, no judge in the right mind would allow this woman to dictate your lives as she wants to.
Luckily, I helped my husband find his balls soon after meeting him and he is not pushed around by his ex anymore.... I don't know what I would do if my husband were to react as yours did.... something has to change.
I can't stop crying
The ex is using you as an excuse to be vindictive and controlling. She knows how bad your husband wants to have 50% with his child and she is dangling it like a carrot over his head. It is NOT your fault that she does not want to compromise with your husband. If he was married to someone else she would come up with a same excuse. He needs to explain to her that the relationship she has with you has nothing to do with his relationship with his daughter or your relationship with his daughter. Also,you need to talk to your husband and tell him how hurt you are that he doesn't defend you to her. By the way, you do deserve a husband who will fight for you but don't give up. One thing that helped our family was counseling with a LMFT who specializes in high conflict co-parenting. She can meet with all parties individually and together (your husband, you, the EX and your stepdaughter). The counselor could improve your husbands odds of obtaining more custody and can help you and your husband deal with the EX.
I understand how you feel
I understand how you feel and I'm so sorry that you're going through this. None of us should ever have to go through this. I'd like to share my story too. I've been crying too, since yesterday morning. He puts me second too, his ex comes first with the excuse of his daughter but he refuses to admit he does it.
They live in a different state than we do so we don't get to see the SD often. Right now he's away at training, in yet another state, and the ex decides now would be a good time for my DH to see his daughter so the ex decides to visit a friend in the same place my DH is. She went this weekend and it killed me that I couldn't be there with them.
To make a long story short, when I called him this morning, he was in the car with them, taking them to the airport (something he didn't inform me about). He didn't pick up the phone the first time. The second time he answers and there's no "Hey Baby" or anything like that like he always does. I get a "hey, what's up" in a tone that sounded like I was bothering him. This is the first time I called today to see how he was doing and how things went! That alone right there broke my heart and I couldn't talk to him anymore. There were a couple more phone calls in between but then tonight, I was talking to him, still upset, crying, asking him to please understand because he just can't seem to see why I'm upset, he tells me to hold on a minute 'cause he's got another call. It's her! And he answers it! While I'm crying on the other end! I was crushed, in disbelief. He called me back and got mad at me for getting mad and even more upset! What am I doing wrong? What is wrong with me? I ended up saying sorry to him. Why? It was the only way to give myself peace at the moment. I'm pregnant too and I'm afraid of what my emotions might be doing to my baby. But I'm crying now and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost and alone. I've already been through a divorce. I can't take it again and I love him so much. But I'm so heart broken.
I'm so sorry for your pain. I really do understand.
I somehow missed your
I somehow missed your posting this morning and just read it now. My heart aches for you. It is hard being pregnant and feeling this way. You do wonder what might you be passing onto your child...what is all the stress doing to them. In my first pregnancy we went through a nasty arbritration. It was so stressful and I was planning our wedding.(that was the easy part). My son was just fine...now one of the best sleepers.
There is nothing wrong with you. We have to shoulder a lot. Feeling as though you are insignificant in your own marriage is so hard. Feeling like you are the outsider in this new family is hard. Loving someone who isn't there for you is hard.
Don't feel lost and alone.....visit here. It really does help. Fearless gives the best hugs. Do you have friends or family you can talk to? When is your husband due back?
Please care for yourself and your baby. We are here for you.
just some perspective..
Just a few pieces of perspective.. she likely wouldn't give him 50/50 custody even if you weren't there. You're very likely just a convienent excuse.. and even better, she's using this as a wedge between you and your husband.. don't let her!
Another thought.. he likely didn't defend you because quite frankly, it wouldn't have done any good. He's dealt with this woman far longer than you have, and I doubt fighting back has ever done any good. What's the point in engaging her in her drama? Let that go.. just like he has.
of COURSE you deserve to have your husband stick up for you.. but really, pick your battles. This one fight over the phone with her isn't where he should do it. It's in a court room battle where he tries to bring his whole family together (you, your son, your soon to be child, and his daughter). He's fighting for that, don't let her break it all apart because of some choice "fighting" words. "words will never hurt me" and if you let her have this power over you, if you let her dramatics drive a wedge between you.. if you let this ruin your marriage, then you're marriage wasn't worth saving in the first place.
Stepup
Is this my husband saying
Is this my husband saying this? You repeated everything he said to me. He said it all in the heat of an argument and I wasn't really listening by that point.
My heart just feels so crushed today. Every chance that he has been given to defend me he hasn't. He lets her say whatever she wants about me..and for some reason it hurts.....and at the end of the conversation they are all friendly and she's laughing and he's telling her have a great week.
I know pick your battles but when does our family become worth fighting for? After all she has done and continues to do how is it that she makes him so weak? I know he loves us dearly and maybe he has taken us for granted....that we would always be here.....but I feel as though my happiness is being sacrificed for the cause. I love his daugther and have always supported him on his quest but I have my own kids to think about...when do they become important? When does our relationship beome important.
I can't help but think if I leave..he gets what he wants....50%...and she gets what she wants me out of the picture. Why should I give her what she wants.....only because I don't have any more fight in me. Maybe I am just not strong enough for this.
My last 11 year relationship i went through it not feeling..just being numb. We both lived singles lives but got together under the same roof. That actually may have been easier than to feel the depth of my pain now. I never wanted to get a divorce especially because of my kids...hell I am pregnant right now...what kind of life am I giving them? A broken home before he/she arrives.
Where or how do you find the strength? We did counselling it was all about me. Someitmes I don't think I am the only one with a problem here. Sure hubby needs to pick his battle but he never does.
Keep your power
I agree you are just a good excuse, she wouldnt give up 50% anyway because it feels like a link she can keep with your DH. In my expeience the ex just likes to keep that last link going for as LONG as possible.
As for him defending you it would have been a waist of breath that would have got them off topic and given her the satisfaction of escalating to a yelling fight.
I do think you should tell him at times you feel left out or put last (advice do not include the ex's name or the little girls name, it will make him feel accused and defensive)
Just a thought hope you feel better oh and a corny note on the side others will only treat you the way you let them treat you if you beleive you deserve the best then you will receive the best!
Thanks. The phone call
Thanks. The phone call ended up being mostly being me. It did get so far off topic anyway. She just went on and on about me(2hours)
I believe so truthfully in what you last said. I seem to have the best in most of my life...family , friends,
career, kids, SD but for some reason this whole thing with her has got me eaten up. I spoke about the authetic self and maybe that is what it is.....I have become this mean spirited defender....and that is not me. I have never had reason to engage in such an ugly exchange of words before.
Funny, when they were talking she said she never had a problem with me. She liked me but was blindsided to my meanest "She's just mean". And I was mean that day but that is not who I am. Playing momma bear to my husband..being territorail.
We have spoken about this situation forever it seems and things never change. I don't recognize my husband when he is with her or talking to her. I heard her say they can laugh and joke around when I am not there. He has a friendship with her...that's fine...but be honest with me. Don't fuel the fire with his hatred for her and then off I go. I will fiercely defend those I love. I told him that he is the reason we are here.....his negativity towards her and then being too weak to stand up to her. I know it isn't my battle and I have gone off and made things bad between her and I while they continue to have a nice relationship. I just feel betrayed somehow. I am a strong woman but for some reason I just don't want to fight anymore.
I felt it too
And it is a pretty shitty feeling. To have some bitch you don't know call you every name in the book and have the man you love NOT defending you. And yes, he said it's because it would only fuel her fire. That was not good enough for me. So he found a way to deal with it. Anytime she starts going off about me or calls me names, he simply says, 'this conversation is over'. It shuts her up.
As far as the 2 1/2 hour phone call over something that might take place months down the road. Totally unacceptable. The fact she is using you as a bargining chip. totally unacceptable.
It is high time your DH realizes this will not be worked out - out of court. Just drop it and let the courts handle it.
Done, over, and out. This should be a wonderful time in your life. You are pregnant and have every right to enjoy it.
Best wishes - Jo
I just checked my post...
You took the time to give me advice, all the while going through this? Maybe you are a little stronger than you give yourself credit for...
But my heart goes out to you anyway. Mic has never had to defend me...I'm not sure if it's because she knows better, or because she hates so many things about him that she hasn't gotten to me, but you deserve someone that wouldn't put you in that position in the first place. Little Jo makes a very good point (as I have found that she usually does). Good Luck, whatever you decide is the right choice for you, and thank you for taking the time to answer my post amidst all this.
donna
They were my words.."this
They were my words.."this conversation is over"...i have told him this many of times but honestly when I listen to him....he struggles to find words, he's tripping over his own tongue, or he is saying yep...which in my books is just agreeing with her.
I don't know if he will ever get it. I am just so afraid of spending the next 30 years feeling like this. I hurt so much right now and I feel so much pain for our kids.
i feel so unstable right now
i feel so unstable right now that i probably don't need to say anything to anyone. however, i want you to know that it hurts just to even think about what you are going through. i wish i could help you, friend. i feel so optimistic sometimes, and then like slime on the bottm of the ocean. i know that you stand on the moral highground here, b/c you said that you would be willing to do what it took to make it right again, but you dont want her to spit it back in your face. my husband wants us to move forward in our relationship, but i dont know if we really can while he can only look behind. i think that what people usually want the most are the things that they cant have. if i were to find myself at this emotional crossroads, i dont think that i could leave. i love them too much and i could not possibly walk away. i can sit here and feel sorry for myself, and wish that we had never met, but i dont think i could ever go. of course, i have this very self-destructive track record.
i don't think that you are responsible for any of this. the ex knows what your man wants, and will reach for any excuse to keep him from having it. if you guys had not had the blowout she would say that you looked at her funny , or maybe just made something up. that was my situation. i have never crossed her or been anything but friendly, and she has not made it easy. she has forced me to be on the outside, and even tried to make my husband to question my character. i think that if your dh had the 50% sd custody, he would want more. if you and your kids were gone, you would be the objects of his desire/guilt. you have a baby on the way, and too much stress in your life. i would think that this should be fairly important to your husband. if it isn't, then this is definitely a problem. the recital will go on, but its time for you to be selfish. as much as i feel hurt when i am left outside of the triangle, i think that this is when i gain the most perspective. please dont cry, maybe the aloof wheel might get some oil. you dont need the stress.
I feel the same
I understand exatly what you mean I feel like I am on the outside looking in when it comes to my SD because the biomom has made it that way and we have never even spoken to one another. I have never said a mean thing to her and have even tried to form some sort of relationship so that it would be easier on SD and she just won't budge. I have pretty much given up on the situation.
Jaded..
That's a brilliant suggestion. I'm going to use that one. Thanks
Thank you
It is 2am and I am feeling so hurt and lost and alone and just being able to know I have all of you to talk to makes it easier (well sort of) but I know I will get honest and loving feedback here.
Green Stepmommy I wish I could make your pain go away too. It helps so much to have such support. Even my husband suggested I speak with you ladies and get your insight because he knows how much I learn from you all.
Hubby realizes he has this issue with his ex wife that he needs to address. Even booked an appointment wiht a therapist for himself. He loves us dearly and can't stand the thought of losing us and has agreed to set up boundaries that are good for us. I will support him through the last and final stage of the custody battle and after that I want to be able to get on with our lives.
Today, she sent him an email...saying the harassing calls have to stop (one she called our home and harrassed us and two in ended on a very friendly note....she even made a joke step mom no she's a step monster...laugh laugh and him telling her to have a nice week) and also went on to say that she is exploring options so the SD can be with her more (all because of our fight she thinks she can get the courts to take her out of our home where she is very happy and very loved....not a chance). When hubby mentioned more access time her first comment was that she will lose child support and have to move to a seedy area of town....she loses no money because of the income differences and the table amount just got increased). I feel as though she is just manipulating my DH.
It is hard to sit and watch this unfold but I need to stay out of it. I had contemplated the apology (after I went into therapy they suggested it) but now is not a good time because she will only think it is because of custody and money and would not accept it. Hubby did tell her...that we had miscarried two days before the fight, that I had huge regrets because of the fight, and that I seeked counselling because of it....she didn't bite at all. She said that what I did was the meanest thing anyone could do to another person (not having an affiar with your BF's husband) and it is obvious that she will not find it in her heart to forgive. I just need to find it in me to forgive me now.
Fearless, thank you as always for your big hugs...I need them today. Let's see what tonight and tomorrow hold for us. I need sleep now.
Love to you all
Makes sense...
Oh Jaded, I wish I would have learned that a few months ago! Even now, when DH is on phone with his oldest daughter whose in prison...he calls me "her. I don't know why he can't use my name...just says "oh yeah, wer'e going to "her" sister's house...or what absolutely drives me mad, is that the daughter will ask him to call "mom" and find out where she is...She was supposed to visit her..and obviously she can't call cell phones. So, he'll get his cell, track down the ex...then give the daughter the message, Don't worry honey, Mom's on her way..blah blah. Just hearing him caretake like that freaks me out! I went nuts the other day. I told him YOU ARE NOT THE LIAISON between any of your kids and their mom anymore...
she has a realtionship with them and you have your own...The answer was "Honey, I don't know where your mom is...I live in a whole different state." BUT...I can't change him...I think I will have to leave the room, or house, whatever. Just knowing I have a new solution, is making me feel better! Thank you again.
I agree with Fearless, as usual.
This is BM's one little piece of ammo, the only thing she's got in her arsenal. As for DH, is it possible that he's just blowing sunshine up her skirt to avoid a big confrontation? My husband will agree to anything to avoid a fight, which usually ends up causing an even bigger fight on down the road. (Men!)
Honestly, I think you have to find a way to blow it off. It was a bad situation, you didn't have your game face on... everyone snaps and considering the miscarriage just prior, any REASONABLE person would understand. You have a BM who is unreasonable and who is trying to milk this one off day for all it's worth. Screw her. Apologize to her if you feel you must, but more importantly, forgive yourself for being human and let it go.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Hello Tyra..
I am learning something thru my dad's cancer soon to be death. Lets look at what is really important here. You love him and he loves you. He chose to be with you he is making a family with you. You are his choice. HE will always have to deal with her at least till daughter is 18 but it will end. He will make it end I am sure. You sound like you love him too as much as he does you. Enjoy your life with him despite her antics to try to ruin your marriage.. Think about this what if you woke up tomorrow and he was gone, or a Dr. looked at you and said he only has a month to live..
I too like you sweat to much of the same shit.. And frankly I am not doing it anymore. My hubby's ex although is not a lunitic like most of you ladies will not bother me anymore. When I let it bother me then I do not make anyone in my life happy. And life is to short..
I say instead of letting HER come between you and your husband let her go. Let her complain about you all she wants. It just shows her own misery. She is a bitch. Plain and simple. And you do not need her to be in your life and you have the power to make her not a figure in your life without letting your marriage fail. One thing you mentioned was that you will not be able to go to anything SD has.. Well she cannot stop you from going. GO to all her school functions you are a part of her life and frankly its not up to her mom to say that you can go or not. She ruined her marriage.. If she would have kept her legs closed then she would not be in her current situation. Am I right.. Well take control of your life and your marriage and Fuck her..
Ok just being open..
Hugs to you HAPPY
So sorry for your situation Happy
Happy, thank you taking the time to give me your prespective when you are going through this. I think things like what you are going through gives us new prespective on things.
I do love my husband very much and he I. I guess I just want him to show her that she can't come into our family and say and do the things that she does and think it is ok. I guess I just want him to stand up for us.
I know that I am giving her the power, especially to think that my marriage could end not because of her but because of me letting her get to me.
I guess in the end I just want to be able to not let these times eat at me..to be able to say "whatever". It is easy to be strong when the snake isn't around....when she rears her ugly head..that is when i need to stay strong.
My husband says the same things about me not going...I should go and stand along side him. We are her family as well. I guess I am trying to take the road with least resistance but I need to stand tall and strong.
Yes, if her legs would have stayed closed...we all would not be in this situations. But at the same time I wouldn't have my Dh or my son or baby to be or my SD. I am a believer that things happen for a reason....just can't figure out why she is here to torture me!!!! or why I let her.
Thanks for today ladies....I am already feeling a bit better, at least I will sleep this evening.