parental disengagement
well, i got an interesting insight from dh yesterday.
kaos was on a roll last night. he and dh had gone back and forth here and there over some stupid $#it. i sat out on the porch. there were a few times where kaos would calm down and i'd come back in and we'd all chill for a while. but the second he ramped it up, i'd step outside.
well just as the game was coming on, dh says "i'm going to bed, i have got to get away from him." dh goes to bed, kaos has no desire to sit with me (yay) so he goes into his bedroom and closes the door.
i went to ask dh what was going on, and what he said opened my eyes. first i asked him why he didnt just tell kaos to go the eff to his room and not get chased off by a 12 yr w/ an attitude. then he hit me with it - he's basically disengaging from his own kid - he has dropped the rope. kaos makes every.damn.thing so effing difficult and disrupts every.damn.aspect of life that dh is just tired. flat out worn out.
we've heard it here so many times from the step perspective. "i've tried so hard, i've given my all and get no appreciation. i'm tired of being a doormat and tired of being shat on by the skids. i get a knot in my stomach just thinking about walking in the door when they're there. everything turns into a battle, into an argument and i am just so exhausted." and everyone's advice? "disengage, disengage, disengage!"
and sadly dh has reached that point. i felt so sad when he told me "i'm tired of the disruption, i'm tired of the fighting. i dont give a s#it anymore, i just want for things to be calm."
i'm sure his engagement will ebb and flow based on his mood or kaos' mood. but it's still so sad to see a father hit this low point.
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That's such a tough one. I am
That's such a tough one. I am sure we would all love to disengage from our own kids sometimes. Parenting is not easy. There are no instructions. It's one thing to disengage from a child that you had nothing to do with creating, but hey... if you took part in the creation of that child, I think you have no *real* choice but to engage. Trust me, I'd love to throw my hands in the air and just let things be sometimes, but where would that leave my kids?? With no guidance. No adult there to say "NO, YOU ARE WRONG CHILD". It's sad that he is to that point, but does he get that option?
"i get a knot in my stomach
"i get a knot in my stomach just thinking about walking in the door when they're there. everything turns into a battle, into an argument and i am just so exhausted..."
OMG. DP said this to me this weekend.
He had to take SD9's friend home soon and he turns to me:
DP: What do I do if they won't leave?
Me: What do you mean? You tell them you are going and you go.
DP: But what if they argue?
Me: They will, but re-state it, you are leaving NOW and get your shoes on and go NOW.
DP: What if they don't?
Me: Then you tell both of them that there will be ZERO visits for a month.
DP: ...I just get so upset about this because they get so mad...etc. I don't know how to handle it and just feel exhausted.
Me: Because you discuss it with them. Put your foot down and be strong. No alternatives, they go, period, or X will happen.
He's scared of the SDs. Which I've known for some time. But he's also scared to assert himself and PARENT them because, you know, it's HARD. Especially with kids to have had NO RULES for 10+ years of life. Yes, this is what YOU and BM have created. Face it. Because I'm not going to and I can't fix it. I will protect my stuff, my money and my house but that's it.
Yup i cant and wont fix it.
Yup i cant and wont fix it. Hes not scared, hes stood up many a time
Hes just tired of everything and the first thing in his mind he needs to let go of is the daily struggles w/ kaos over every.little.damn.stupid.thing....
I can see his point. I watched my dad go thru the same struggle w/ my brother. Its just so sad to witness.
Yes. Hes already a "monster".
Yes. Hes already a "monster". Dh is so sick and tired of fighting, and literally sick, puking and nausea day in and day out - something needs to give, and i guess for dh's survival what hes giving up on is any fight for or with kaos. Its so tough just to watch him at his lowest.
sal, his 'give a phuc' is
sal, his 'give a phuc' is busted. he simply doesnt have it in him anymore. he has lost all will for anything except just to make it to the next day.
sir breaks-a-lot can either deal w/ kaos or not deal with him. either way, idgaf. he got all pissy w/ me last night cuz i would not pull out the deep-fryer and fry kaos up some onion rings at effing 9 o'clock at night. i told the kid no, i already cooked dinner, if u really want them i'll pop them in the oven but i'm not pulling the fryer out this late.
so he goes sqwakin' to nnnggggddddaaaaaaddddyyyyy, who gets up out of bed and jumps down my throat w/ several smart@$$ comments like "thanks for nothing, u're a big effing help to me." i said to him "i told him i'd be more than happy to pop them in the oven but i'm not messing with the deep fryer at 9 at night. he's on a roll now since he's been asleep all freaking afternoon. if he's hungry we've got burgers *and* i can put the onion rings in the oven. the fact that he rejects my offer shows that hunger is NOT his real motivation."
he said that was "bulls#it... all he fkn asked for was to fry them." i told him "bulls#hit is right. i offered several times to feed him a perfectly adequate meal. u're just pissed i didnt say 'how high' when he asked me to jump. now u're the martyr to give him what he wants to shut him up, and u're pissed that YOU are the one doing it instead of sleeping like u wanted."
whatever dh, whatever.
H3LLS YEAH i responded! he
H3LLS YEAH i responded! he doesnt want to do jack schitt for kaos, doesnt want to have anything to do with him, but wants ME to "help" him by catering to kaos just to shut him up? i made it quite clear that is NOT what i'm gonna do.
My DH has totally disengaged
My DH has totally disengaged from ASS, too, so I completely feel ya, sister. But, you already knew that...
In the beginning, I used to think that DH couldn't/shouldn't do it because he would be shirking his parental responsibility, but now? I think DH is as fed up with ASS as I am, and I don't blame him one bit.
yeah, wob, but u've only got
yeah, wob, but u've only got a matter of months, and your dh is not wanting u to cater to A$$ to shut him up to "help" dh.
i've still got 6 1/2 years. *sobs*
true, very true. I've got
true, very true. I've got two months at best and 8 months at worst.
You are in a really tough spot, honey.....
well ladies, it's been real.
well ladies, it's been real. i'm gonna start winding the office down. wish me luck when i get home tonight, i'm curious to see if dh shows any actions of remorse for crawling my @$$ last night. i'm also curious to see what kind of mood both he and kaos are in.
*sigh*
maybe dh should make him a sticker chart, with a tornado shaped sticker for every time he convinces dh to undermine me!