I cannot stand my mother, I love her, but cannot stand her in the same breath....is that wrong????
Here lately I have been having problems dealing with my mother. For you who have followed my blogs you know that I am almost 30 years old and my parents are divorced. My mother hates my father-they have been divorced for years ans she is not afraid to let me know it. SHe talks about how much she HATES him ALL the time. He, well, i dont think he knows she exists....he DOES NOT mention her.
This past month or so has been terrible. Everything is always great when things are going my mothers way, but when something is out of line she acts like a 3 year old and it is getting really old. She pouts, she says anything to hurt you and doesnt care. SHe makes me feel quility like saying things to the effect, well I went to the doctor yesterday, because I had to have someone to talk to and he told me I didnt look good. I mean she will say ANYTHING to make you feel like you are in the wrong.
She has beenn like this as long as i can remember, but I jsut thought thats how life was until I met my husband. HE cannt stand how she treats me. I am afraid it is going to get to the point that he doesnt even like being around her.
DOes anyone have any advise to help me out. I love my mother, but I really feel the way she treats me is wrong....she, on the other hand, sees that she is in the right. Do you think she may have a problem????
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Does it really matter if she
Does it really matter if she has a problem? She is your mother, and you cannot change her.
If my mother is driving me nuts (happens, but not often), I back off of for a while. Then we just put it behind us. I would never dare go to my mother about her problems in relation to me.
I had issues with my mom.
I had issues with my mom. Same situation - She never got over my parents divorce. My father has moved on and she hasn't. She was critical of DH when we met. Tried to talk me out of getting involved with him because he was divorced and had kids. (She may have been right on this). Well I moved to be closer to her and when I did the boundaries that I had three states away were gone. We had a blow up and she kept her distance for about a year. I also have two meddling sisters. The blowup started with them and mom got most of the yelling. I let loose on everything. Wrote her a long letter and she never mentioned it. My meddling aunt got so far involved in this that she contacted my therapist at the time and told her I was misguided. I have no relationship with her at all since this.
My mom and I have come to an understanding. Not mentioned or talked about. She is cautious now in her opinions and we even did a family vacation together for Christmas.
Sometimes you have to stop taking the abuse and let loose on them in order to place the boundaries that work for you. It did work and months of therapy helped me stop taking it. Do what you have to do, but you need to stop taking it from her or it will consume you.
I am much happier now and my mom has a good relationship with DH now. She even stopped by last night to drop something off for BS. She stood in the kitchen talking to us for quite awhile. That would never have happened three years ago....
Do you think your therapy
Do you think your therapy helped you in how you handled your mother. My situation is a lot like yours from what you have told me. Except I have a brother who likes add fuel to the fire. I have now realized I cannot tell him anything because he will go straight to my mother and say things that I ahve said and she gets mad at me. Its so funny becasue they do not get a long at all because they are so much alike.
I am in the process of moving and it is NOT where she wants me to so she is telling me that the will never get to see me now and really putting a guilt trip on me. I live 30 minutes from her now and I am the one that has to come to her house if I want to see her.
Im just tired of the drama and I want to love my life and I dont want her to tell me how to live it. I want her to be in my life, but I want it on my terms!
Therapy was a big help. I
Therapy was a big help. I had thought I was in therapy to address moving on with my life after my son and my husband had passed away years earlier. Turned out my frustrations were with my mom and sisters. It all comes out in the sessions. He had me read a book that really helped. It was my turning point...The Mud People...
It helped me understand what she and my sisters and my father had done to me. My father was abusive when I was a teen...I had long done the therapy on that, but now my mothers issues with my life and particularly my sisters were causing me to second guess every decision I made. The book helped. I saw the therapist weekly for several months and then went to every other week. About 6 months and I was good. My sisters have their opinions and now they are pretty quick still give them, but I have learned to walk away and tell them I appreciate their opinion but I will do what I want...
Move where you want. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty. You have to take away their power over you. Therapy helped me have a voice with them. It also helped me at the time with SD, it made me realize I was not the reason we could not get along. My frustrations at that time were so bad with DH, my moving in with him and my families opinions.
You have to do what is best for you. Sometimes if you can't handle their guilt, you have to find copin mechanisms for that. Get the book, it is a quick read, but it is momentous...Seems it was only like 30 pages. Read it alone...I cried when I was done because I felt like it explained my life...
My life is somewhat drama free now with mom and my sisters...Occasionally there are issues because I am the only one that has a relationship with my father. But, now I do not tell them when I speak to him or he is visting. FYI my father asked for my forgiveness after I made him read the book. My mother refused to read it.
Maybe the reason she's
Maybe the reason she's divorced from your father? hmmm I get it. My mom can be nice sometimes and sometimes drives me up a wall. Last visit I just really got worn out. We visited for a month. It had been a year of horrible financial struggle for us and finally things were great...So we took a much deserved "vacation", although I worked throughout the entire month we were there. She barely talked to us while at her home, she went out to casinos, bingo, shopping all the time...once she even stayed away for the night with some of her friends...I finally just got tired. I have not really called her since I came back home. I won't call her anymore. I am tired of it. When she visits we do everything we can to make her feel welcome, when we visit she drives us up the wall...Sometimes, you just have to let it go. My DH was also great with my mom for years, I think he too is getting tired. For years she would visit and even during the week, my husband and I took turns accompanying her to the casino at night, etc...just because that's what she wanted to do. We left our stuff behind to make her feel good during her vacation, she did not do a thing with us while on vacation. Heck, she cooked 2 days in a month while we were there. Sorry you have to go through this. It is hard. My cousin also deals with the same from her mom. We finally realized we need to have our own lives and move on. No sense in continuously trying to win them over.
The best advice I was
The best advice I was given:
He is your dad, as such you should always love him, you just don't always have to like him.
If she has always been this way it sounds like she controls and manipulated. You have to learn not to pick the guilt up. Leave it where she laid it and walk away from it. Not yours to own.
This is so true...your right.
This is so true...your right. When I lay down at night I cant worry about pleasing her. SHe is VERY CONTROLLING!
I had a terrible relationship
I had a terrible relationship with my late mother, and I knew it was unfixable, because she was incapable of change. Personally, if one of my adult bio daughters had a problem with me, I would much, much rather they tell me about it so that I could try to change things.
I would encourage you to tell your mother the things that trouble you about the way she relates to you,such as putting you down, making you feel in the wrong. If she then choses to ignore what you say, then I think it would be completely reasonable for you to put some distance between the two of you.
DH and his mother have a love
DH and his mother have a love hate relationship and have, I think, ever since he was born. She can be very meddling (although she usually has good intentions) and very overbearing. She is also very gossipy. DH has learned over the years to just keep their contact to a minumum. For instance we never go over there for dinner, or any type of socializing. We leave it to BS2 birthday parties, her occaisionally babysitting BS2, and a phone call once in a while to "check in". It just works best that way.
When I first met DH, I had never known anyone who didn't get along with their mother and I just couldn't understand some of the things he was telling me about her. But the more I got to know her, the more I figured out what he was talking about. I can tolerate her, but in small doses.. and again I know she means well, she just has an irritating way about her.
This blog. My grandmother
This blog. My grandmother from my dad's side. Oh goodness the crazy things she used to do. And the thing was she was STILL married to my grandfather until he passed away at the ripe old age of 94. But he was deaf for most of his senior years so I don't think he gave two licks of a rat's ass what she was saying because he couldn't hear anyway (and refused a hearing aid--I can see why.)
Then she passed away two years ago. Never liked her, she didn't like me because she didn't like my mom. Got so bad that after she caused my mom's depression and subsequent miscarriage, my dad moved her out of the house 3 blocks away and prevented her from ever speaking or contacting my mother again until she finally died nearly 10 years later. Even when she was on her deathbed and wanted to speak to my mom, my father refused. It was his mother, and he did all the filial piety biz but that was it, he had to protect his family.
Sometimes you need to figure out when to draw the line. When my mother asked for a divorce after all she got put through, my dad put his foot down.