the outsider
can't sleep, so I thought I would be productive rather than to just keep laying in bed.
So you want to know why I don't feel like a part of this family?
SS8 made a little book/story today. he wrote on the back a short little autobiography about himself... He wrote, "He lives with his mother, father and sister". He read this to my DH while I was not around, and DH said, "um, you live with tryingtofindpeace too..." and SS was like, "oh yeah, I forgot", so he draws a little arrow insert and writes "stepmother", above sister.
I am not a part of their family.
I never will be.
I am a secondary thought to them, someone who just happens to be hanging around in their way.
After I read this, DH asks me whats wrong, so I tell him. He says to me "Let it Go", in a tone that implied, just get over it, its not a big deal, your feeling are unimportant and unjustified to me.
I will NEVER feel welcomed and included. It will forever be like this,
me as the outsider.
It breaks my heart.
I used to dream about having kids with DH, making my own family. But his kids are not my family, so how do I juggle having children with him while HIS kids live with us half the time and they are not MY family? Does this mean that, like now, I will only feel like I have a family half the time? Right now I have to disengage SO much when the kids are home that I completely shut down, and go into this little protective whole somewhere where they can't hurt me anymore. It has become reflexive. SD12 is only going to get worse as puberty hits. Everyone keeps telling me it doesn't get better.
So I know if I am every going to be fully happy that I need to leave.
but I don't know how to do that.
I am massively co-dependent and would rather be in pain than to ever hurt someone else, ESPECIALLY someone I love.
It's like someone put a knife in my hand and is telling me to stab my DH. I can't do it. I can't hurt someone I love like that.
So I rationalize in my mind that I can make it work, I can settle on my dreams and wishes, I can learn to live with it and be okay. but then a piece of me dies off. I am afraid I am going to wake up one day and there will be nothing left of me. I already feel like I have NOTHING left to give these skids.
How can bringing children of my own into this possibly help when my 2 skids are so insecure, jealous, and f-ed up already.
My DH feels torn between me and them.
Adding kids is only going to add to that. He says it will help. I say it is possible that it could unite everyone OR add oil to the flame and make everything a thousand times worse.
I grew up without a "family". My dad was never around, my mom raised me and my bro the best she could. All I ever wanted as an adult was to create a real HOME, with a real family. One where I felt I belonged and was important. One where for once, I was someones first priority...namely my DH's.
But the irony is the stronger I wanted that, the further away from it I seemed to go.
WHY on earth did I think this was a good idea? Marrying someone with a psycho ex and two really screwed up kids. I knew I shouldn't have. But I loved my DH so much that I overlooked it, believing that we could overcome all of it, and that I could FIX it all and be wonderwife/wonderstepmom. I was foolish. I did not know then what I know now.
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Comments
Try this book. My therapist recommended it after my XW walked
out of couples counseling claiming that she had no problems. Come to find out, neither did I. The problem was the marriage.
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself (Paperback)
by Melody Beattie (Author)
Similar to you, I used to date women who I could rescue. Those relationships never worked out, those girls were just too screwed up.
You don't feel that you are a part of your H's family because you are not. I had the same problem with my XW. Her family accepted me, she however, did not. She wanted her own life completely separate from our marriage. My problem was that I put up with it.
At some point during that marriage I quit being the Rags that I liked and became an indecisive, pleaser who lacked self confidence. One thing I have never lacked is confidence. Except during my 2.5 year marriage to my XW.
Once I found the guy I liked being again there was no loss when it came to my marriage. The demise of my marriage was a blessing.
Then I met my wife. Though she was a single teen welfare mom, she was far from needing rescuing. She rescued me from going to the opposite extreme from the indecisive guy with flagging self confidence that I was in my first marriage. She kept me from becoming a pompous ass.
OK, maybe she did not completely prevent be from becoming a pompous ass but she did give me the opportunity to be an equity partner in a healthy marriage. It has been awesome for nearly 15 years now.
Get some help (therapy) and read this book. It may help. It helped me.
Best regards,
It can get BETTER
Hi tryingtofindpeace (TTFP)
It gets BETTER. If you and your H are friends and lovers. Once you realize that you do have a home and a family it will just require a DIFFERENT/UNIQUE approach. I have been in my marriage for 10 years with 2 skids from the time they were 3 and 5. What you are experiencing is a form of parental alienation. No one wants to acknowledge you. I don't know if this will work for you but I just looked at myself and my Husband's wife and my skids Godparent. I treated them the same way I would treat my friends children and eventually like their Sunday school teacher, teacher or mentor would treat them. Keeping in mind that the only thing they had on their minds was creating havoc. They will see that you care about them. As long as you are consistent. You can't control their behavior we can only control our reactions and responses. Don't let this make you old and tired. Get your rest. Do things that help you rest and know that it's going to be OK.
Your skids can and can't help their behavior. They two dreamed of the "perfect family" So give them grace and keep a sense of humor. You know that you are wonderful, kind and loving person. You need to build your own friendships with you and your husband. Find families that are blended or that have openly adopted children. Stay away from people negative people. Who don't what to support and acknowledge you and your value to your family. When kids are preteen and teen All parents experience some alienation. SPs get a double whammy.
It may take a moment for the skids to acknowledge anything that you do for them. I don't expect to get acknowledgement and when I do I am pleasantly SHOCKED!
Most BM's don't KNOW HOW or do not want to help their children be happy in a blended family. My skids are in their late teens now. We had some respect challenges. I told them I understand their feelings, they did not have to like me but they need to respect me as I respect them. Behavior modification works well with LISTENING to their feelings. (realizing that their feelings are all over the place). The older they get the more you are able to have age appropriate communication. When they see you having positive values they can't question your integrity. The WILL try. All kids do. Build your own friendships with other SM of like thinking. It is great that you found a site where you can vent. Learn age appropriate communication and with pre teens and teens REMEMBER less is more. Invite friends, family and folks you know value you to your home. Stay away from people who don't have the same family values.
You may have to make some adjustments with private information and be realistic, my SD at 14 was tearing up family pictures for a minute. I simply removed the picture from her access. As time passed I would bring them out for my husband and I to look at them and the skids would see the joy in Dad's face and enjoy seeing the memories. D will need to initiate your inclusion. I only attend public events. We do intimate activities separate form BM. We invite the skids friends, their BM (who never comes-she usually sends her best friend) and we move forward. Most of the events the skids have fun with their friends, I take pictures, my husband includes me. And we move on.
Schedule dates with your H. Away from home and the skids. Little things. Meet for coffee in the am. Or just give a hug when you can. Don't use your H as a sounding board.
You are not the maid, cook, or nanny. You are his wife, keep your home the way you both want. When your H is away with or for the skids meet with your friends, have a day you would like to have. Keep a jar of family things you would like to do and things you would like to do with your H, things you would like to do for you. Set your goals and go for it.
The skids will stay in denial, I thing it is just a comfort zone thing for them. Stay in reality. Your skids will always have a sense of detachment, you just stay attached to your husband and your self, and your friends, family and keep your window open for the skids.:-) Notice I said windows not doors. Ha! I always offer to include our skids, attitude and all.
I asked my H if we could have family meetings. In these meetings he gets to hear and see the skids attitude and behavior. We did this for three years before I started responding in the meetings. It really was just time for the skids and Dad to have a moment. We end each meeting with we love you and want what is best for you and we want you to want what is best for us.
You and your husband have to come to agreement on how they will get consequences and you won't always agree. My parents did not always agree.
We have family meetings where they get amnesty to speak whatever is on their minds. I just journal the information and address some of it in small doses.
If you have BIO kids, you will experience the stages of childhood with them and teaching kids and skids to be inclusive is work. Even siblings have rivalry so be real and be happy. Spend your time being the best you that you can be and find things that you enjoy do them and share them with your H, just as you would share them with a friend.
I hope this helps and remember it gets better when you get better . Marriage family, BIOparenting and SP is hard. Every family is different in values, definitions and vision. It takes tools, education and work. Find tools to use so that you can be happy and healthy for you and your family. I admire you coming to this site.
Take care.
you always have the exact words I need to hear...
I'm not sure if our situations are just very similar or what, but you somehow always manage to speak things that are exactly what I need to hear.
This time it was:
"But please don't take on the impossible task of making this work for you, if all it means is that you change to suit everyone else in the house, and in the process lose yourself."
This is exactly what I feel obligated to do. My DH tries and is a good man which makes me feel even worse about how I feel.
I started into this gung-ho... and have slowly dwindled away from the caring, openly loving person I used to be with them, to someone who is completely shut down when around them. They have been so hurtful so many times. I'm done giving them chances to hurt me.
I went from the door being wide open, to slightly ajar, to just a window open, to storm windows closed and locked with boards covering them waiting for the hurricane to come through at any given unannounced moment.
I fix things.
I tolerate things.
I am the strong one.
I can keep taking more and more and more.
I can be the one to change all of this.
If I just let go of myself completely, I can make things a pleasant environment for all by totally killing myself off and serving everyone else's needs.
I can do this.
... but I don't want to walk that road anymore.