I found out that SS has me listed as "The Bitch" in his cell phone.

Apparently it's not that big of a deal, except to me. Apparently it's also child abuse to take a kids phone away because he refuses to do something simple that was asked of him.

I feel like I'm in some sort of alternate universe in my own home. Wondering am I really that out of touch? Am I really being that unreasonable?

SS14 and SD17 live with us full time. Mom is out of state and they visit her Xmas and summer. However, although she is half way across the country she runs our household. Every time the kids gets in trouble or are disciplined, they text/talk with her non stop and are pretty much told that I mentally abuse them.

The most recent episode really has me questioning whether I can be a part of this household any longer (DH and I have been together 10 years).

SS14 recently got in trouble with the police. We found out he was smoking (I suspected and mentioned it to him because he developed a smokers cough). He was found in an abandoned house. Turns out he was the instigator with some friends and broke into an abandoned home and they've been hanging out in there. When he was caught by the police, he was in the house alone. Lots of damage to the house. SS was caught having pissed on the floor in the house (next to the toilet). He said he "had to go." They smoked in the house, damaged property. It was still fully furnished (no one knows what has happened with the owners, but it sounds like they up and left due to a medical emergency). Part of a couch was burned. A portion of the room was burned as apparently a candle was lit and started a fire. This was a couple of weeks ago. We are waiting to hear what he his going to be charged with. The police told us that he should not be home alone anymore (DH and I both work).

So we've been picking him up from school each day and he goes to work with each one of us (mostly me). I've recommended he do some homework or read a book, but he just sits there doing nothing.

Shortly after that incident, he was caught at school with a cigarette in his locker and received an in school suspension. As a result, his cell phone was blocked from everyone except his mom.

DH and mom do not communicate at all. DH ignores BM (avoiding conflict and she is also a whole lot of crazy)As a result of all this, mom has been blasting DH with texts with her new campaign of having SS go back to living with her (she lost custody 2 years ago). She and SS are in this campaign together. She actually asked if DH could call the police and get him out of trouble by saying he was going to live with her. WTF? She doesn't believe in personal responsibility and accountability.

Everything we do is texted to mom by both kids and mom coddles them. She thinks it's karma that the kids hate us and don't want to live here anymore. (Because we "took her kids away from her").

I've told DH he should send them back. Nothing we have done is working or helping. It is a loosing battle. No consequence or discipling gets them to do what we are asking them to do. SS was told he was going to have to earn his privledges back. He's not interested. They are only interested in complaining about loosing priviledges (instead of doing what's required to earn them back). Mom supports the complaining and not having to earn anything.

DH is an idiot. He and SS will argue and DH out of anger will say, "fine, you can go live with your mother." He's done this a couple times. SS thinks he means it (I'm hoping he does mean it), but then DH will backpedal and say he just said it out of anger.

In one instance after I picked up SS from school, we somehow got on the topic of the house he broke into. He still didn't get it, saying no one lived there, it was abandoned...like it was no big deal. He's been told that he could be facing some pretty serious consequences and fines. He began his campaign of I just want to go live with my mom because I'd be happier there, anywhere is better than here, at least he'll be happy. I finally told him the truth and said, I would have sent you back a long time ago.

Apparently, mom thinks that's mental abuse. The kids apparently forced DH to take a phone call from her a few days ago, I overheard a portion of it and could hear her screaming over the phone from our bedroom, with the door.closed. DH didn't get to say much.

This was Monday, the kids did not have school. I stayed home from work to "babysit" a 15 and 17 year old. I had projects to do outside and just left them be to sit on the computer, play playstation, hang out all day long. SS decided to cook and I just told him that he had to do the dishes. He said okay. Sidenote - neither stepkid has to really do anything around the house....chores? nope. Clean rooms? nope. DH will tell them to and they never do.

Two hours later, I told him it was time to do his dishes (while he's sitting at the computer). He said "I will" "later"...and I told him he's had enough time and they need to be taken care of now, that it's been a couple of hours. He refused. So I shut off the internet. He went into his room. I went in and said all right, how about you give me a specific time you are going to do the dishes. He said "later" with as much attitude as one could. I ask him again for a time, he says "midnight." I told him that wouldn't work, he said "then we disagree." During this entire conversation, he was fiddling with his mp3 player and blasting music. So I took all of his electronics and said he could get them back when he finished his dishes. This included the cell phone (which all he can do from now is text/call mom). He said good luck with that (he meant his mom won't let us take his cell phone from contacting her). I told him she can call the house phone anytime to speak with him.

I went through his phone. It was password protected (4 numbers). I tried a bunch of numbers, then had the thought that he would probably do something like make it the word f&^k. I enter that and sure enough it worked. I later overheard him tell his dad that it was the word "duck." I look through his phone and notice that I'm listed as "The Bitch" in his contacts. He had already texted mom in the few minutes before I took his phone away. FYI I'm the primary breadwinner in our household and I work two jobs. DH also works full time. I carry stepkids insurance. Mom pays $20 per month in child support and that's it.

6 1/2 hours later, he does his dishes and asks me for his stuff back. I told him "later" and how about "at midnight." I told him he can have all of his stuff back tomorrow since he made such a big issue out of doing a small amount of dishes, except for his phone. I told him that "the bitch" is the one who pays for his cell phone and writes out the check and makes sure the bill is paid for so "the bitch" isn't giving him his phone until she talks to dad.

BM later tells DH that she "knows people" and is getting an attorney and calling cps because taking SS phone away for not doing the dishes (she doesn't know the whole story I just explained) is ABUSE.

Apparently, DH talked to SS about it being disrespectful and told SS he could get his phone back the NEXT DAY.

The next day, DH talks again with SS and gives him his phone back. I asked DH if he even made him change how I'm listed as a contact. He said he told him to do so. I asked him why he didn't even make SS apologize. He said he told him to, but didn't want it to be forced. Neither of those things are going to happen.

I'm livid. I told DH I'm fully disengaging. This is ridiculous. I will no longer be picking up SS from school and taking him to my work (I have too much to do anyway). His kid....he can figure out his work schedule (which is not nearly as flexible as mine) or he can let him be home alone and if he gets into more trouble....DH can deal with it. I'm done.

Am I way off base here?