Need advice and help PLEASE
What should we do? I have two Skids, 7 and 3 that live out of state. We have them this week - first time since January and not again until May. The 7 yo has gained 18 pounds since last visit. She is in a 12/14 now and my 7 yo (two weeks apart) is in a 6. The 3 yo has developed a bad stuttering problem. THey came with bruises inside their legs, the BM tells us they are depressed, etc. She works crazy shifts as a nurse assistant and goes out of town or to the bars every weekend. How should we confront this situaiton? Though I think we have enough to file for custody I dont think we have enough to win as the burden of proof is high. I don't think the court's take mental defect into consideration (She is diagnosed bi-polar/manic depression/personality disorder) These problems with the kids all started after their divroce and her subsequent divorce from her second husband (marriage lased 5 months)
If you need any more info please let me know. To be honest I guess I am looking for reassurance that suing her for custody is the way to go - someone to tell me it would be ok.
I feel like I am held in a position as a stepmom to love these kids like they are my own, yet not hold them to the same expectations that I hold my own to and be able to just let them go back home and not care anymore the second they are with their BM.
Thanks for listening (or reading)
C
- TheSaneOne's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
There is NO reason that a 7
There is NO reason that a 7 yr old should gain 18 lbs in under 3 months. NONE.. Can you bring them to a doctor and let them examine the skids to find out the cause of their extensive bruising?
Can you call the child protective services in the state BM lives in to do a home study.. to see what they find?!
That is what I was thinking
That is what I was thinking - i am scared that CPS in her state would think we were being vindictive because we are he NCP. I have arranged for her to see docs in the summer when we have them - I wanted to take her this week but worry that BM would find out. We need to prove her condition upon arrival verses her condition after we have her for eight weeks. also have her set up for a psychiatrist apt in the summer. Should we email her (she won't talk to us in person - she gets defensive) and ask her to have them see a doctor? She could have told us how much weight she had gained knowing that she doesn't send clothes, underwear, nothing, and we have clothes here - but they didn't fit her (her and my 7yo BD were the same size during christmas) Needless to say - we had to pay a babysitter, buy 5 outsfits, underwear and shoes for both (shoes we bought and sent home 3 months ago had holes in them when they came back) easter dresses, easter baskets, etc. I am not complaining, just mad because what we do send home with them new should at least come back in decent shape.
Hi there....
There are many weighing factors in custody disputes. One of those factors IS the mental health of the custodial parent. Did you know that 70% of parents with mental illness lose custody at some point?
I think your DH should voice his concerns to BM and I would seriously listen to what BM has to say. DH should tell her that all he wants to do is help. I wouldn't approach this in a threatening manner, just more concerned than anything. I would also encourage you to research her mental illness so that you understood how to approach her in a constructive manner and I wouldn't refer to her mental health as a "defect". I see it more as a disorder that CAN cause "defective" behavior.
My skid's mom is daignosed bi-polar with a personality disorder. She has trouble maintaining relationships and can become very argumentive when confronted with any sort of criticism. I used to hate her for it but now in my better understanding of her, I see her mental health as a constant struggle for her. My take on it is if she will continue to put forth an effort (taking her meds and seeing a therapist), so will I.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
When did they come to you??
When did they come to you?? A dr should be able to tell the age of the bruises.. I kind of would take them now. When dropping them off.. you could say the skids seemed to be a bit sick.. like a cold/flu and you took them to the dr's to get looked at. In case either say anything.
I would also hope the social workers would not view you as vindictive. Perhaps start w/saying, I just want what is in the best interest of the skids.. here is what I have noticed, and how she didnt mention the weight gain of sd 7. just state the facts w/o being emotional.. let them know you just want an unbiased person taking a look and making sure all is ok.
If you approach it from a standpoint of you want to confirm they are ok.. vs.. screw her to the wall... (lol) you would come off as genuine as you are.
thanks so much! We picked
thanks so much! We picked them up last Friday and we will keep them until Sunday. We had to jump through hoops to see them and my husband is on call at work Sunday. We were supposed to meet her back Saturday because of this and she asked us to keep them another day because she is going out of town again. I have no problem, think its great. Here is the catch - she doesn't know that I will have to do the drop off alone if he can't get someone to cover. We usually meet in a gas statin or Walmart. It's a four hour drive for both of us to meet halfway. I can't lie, I am scared of her. There is just that extreme uneasy feeling. When I ride to get the girls with him she refuses to speak to me (yes she emailed me during the summer ten times a day) When I answer my phone she hangs up on me and won't say anything.
She leaves me alone unless she is single and thats when she tries to start stuff with me and my step son again. I plan on having my sister in law ride with me.
I would...
...either have DH go no matter what or have DH call her and ask her if she thinks it would be okay if you do the drop off with the SIL.
If you are putting forth an effort to get along better with your skids BM, I would not "surprise" her. The two of you should never HAVE to deal with each other when one doesn't want to. We all have the right to feel comfortable. You and her.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
I know - thats what I am
I know - thats what I am scared of. I don't feel comfortable in that situation whatsoever. To be honest - I plan on telling him to get someone else to do it. It wouldn't be good for either of us. I can say that if she knew I were coming alone she would have a hit man there waiting for me. Its hard for me to tell DH that though because it may shorten his time with his daughters. I feel pulled in ten different directions and I dont know what the right thing to do anymore is. This Step thing is more than I have ever dealt with in my life. I think I know whats best then I get hit from left field.
Can't we just all get along? I try my hardest not to remind her that I am married to him now, when I disappear completely then she starts emailing me DH telling him she loves him, sending him pictures of herself, telling the kids I am the reason they aren't together, etc. She honestly sees me as the reason they are divorced and I didn't even know the man. Yet, on a good day - she emailed me to thank me for all that I did for the girls and her this summer (school clothes, etc) and that she was sorry for being the way she was - she didn't want my DH but she can't stand to see him happy with anyone else.
What should I do when he asks me to ride for the pick ups? Its usually because he is so tired from working a 70 hour work week he's scared he will fall asleep while driving. That and when he goes alone - she usually starts a lot of drama but if I am there, I never get out of the car and its short and sweet - she opens the van door and the kids get out of her car into ours.
Do we have the same BM?
"I disappear completely then she starts emailing me DH telling him she loves him, sending him pictures of herself, telling the kids I am the reason they aren't together, etc. She honestly sees me as the reason they are divorced and I didn't even know the man"
I had the exact same problem with my husband's ex and she's then one the had affairs. Which is the reason for their divorce!
Don't fear the thorns among the Roses, but be greatful for the Roses among the thorns
bruises
I learned this to late after seeing bruises on my stepdaughters. If you see bruises go immediatly to the police station, anytime 24/7. They always have a social worker available. Pictures need to be taken and they have to be taken by the social worker. If you wait then the BM will get the benefit of the dought about the bruises. We waited KNOWING what the BM had done and they did nothing about it. They only informed us of what to do in the future.
You can do this in your state and the Social Services will contact Social Services in BM's state to start the investigation. Also if they feel it's not safe to return the skids to BM they will grant you temp emergency sole custody until the investigation is over.
Don't fear the thorns among the Roses, but be greatful for the Roses among the thorns
I agree
I agree with Sky get those bruises documented. Kids generally don't get similar bruising. Even if they collided into each other they would have different marks. Since both of them have similar marks, I would get it documented. This is a red flag to me and my kids have had their share of bumps and bruises over the years.
MY DH Has talked to the 7 o
edited...