First Entry
I'm a stepdad to 2 boys 8 and 10. Recently I have been experiencing major problems with the older boy. We all went on a vacation for a week and it was a disaster. The boys gave their mom a very difficult time and I and the older boy had a few huge blowups. By the end of the week I could not wait to get back home. Prior to the trip things were ok but for that week it was just us 4 all together nonstop. We had never done that and i'm not sure when we'll vacation again. 2 weeks later things are still not going all that well between us. I have let all discipline be taken care of by the boys mother and have found myself simply walking away or claming up when they act up. Their mom has no remedy for the situation other then she just wants us all to get along. I love their mother very much but know that her boys will always come first. I am desperate for any advice on how to handle my situation!!
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I just had the same
I just had the same "vacation" at the end of July. It was horrible.
I am in the process of trying to learn to shut my mouth when it comes to the kids acting up. It just causes problems when they do not listen to me anyway...
I know how it feels to be made to feel last. I agree with LO on that, it is hard getting there though. The kids had their dad long before I came along, but I hope to be here with him long after they move on with their lives.
How does the mom feel about
How does the mom feel about you disciplining her children? You both need to be on the same page when it comes to that because it will be the end of you. I have 3 boys. 2 are adults one is 13. My DH had a very hard time bonding with my 13 y/o. The other 2 were older when we met so they weren't the hard ones to crack. But my youngest has ADHD. He was hell on wheels and for the first, I'd say 6 years of our relationship they just could not get along. It really was breaking my heart. My husband didn't realize how mean he was to my son and my son didn't realize that he was just impossible to deal with. As my boy grew, his behavior changed & in turn my DH began to warm up to him. Now they get along great. But it was a very long and winding road for many many years. I let my DH discipline my child but most hard punishments come from me. Same goes for his kids. I can discipline his kids but any grounding or harsh punishments come from him. Good luck. This is a good place to let it out though.
In the beginning she actually
In the beginning she actually leaned on me alot to help discipline her children and I went with her to a parenting seminar to show my support. Like I said for the first year and a half I saw constant improvement but right before we went on this trip the older son starting acting up.We always seemed to be on the same page and I feel as tho we still are it's just that she can't stand the arguing between me and the boys which is what apparently occurred alot when their father lived with them. I think also that our disciplining styles are different. When I say no to something they don't ask me again when they ask her for something they ask several times and evently she relents. When I used to punish them I followed thru and made sure they served their time so to speak. When we were on the vacation she gave them both an early bed time when we got home....Well that early bed time has yet to be enforced and we have been home for 2 weeks. Your are right this is a good place to vent. At least i'm not the only one in this situation.
Let the Mom deal with the
Let the Mom deal with the boys, stay quiet,they will still love their mother after she discipline them, but some children will not like you after you do.So stay quiet,and observe the mother, if she doesn't handle it right,leave as fast as you can..
The simple fact is you're not
The simple fact is you're not always going to get along. That is the cold hard fact about step relationships. I can say the relationship will grow stronger if you enter the skids life early on. (10 will be more difficult age).
The discipline, at the begining, should always be left to the biological parent. However, you and the mom need to be on the same page. Discuss child(s) behavior issues in private. Agree to what modifications need to be made and have the bio-parent do/instruct the modification behavior with child. However, make it clear that both she and you are in agreement on whatever the situation is. Disciplining may change after several YEARS, as you grow into a family unit, but definately not in the first 3 years of marriage. Have a family meeting and voice the changes that are about to take place in the household and give each person a few minutes to share. Blending is a difficult adjustment for the skids too.
When I re-married with 3 teenage steps and 1-BioD-8 - it was a nightmare. Husband brushed all behaviors under the rug and when I tried to apply discipline, I was blantantly ignored. It didn't work because I was not their bio-parent.
A counselor told us the order of priority in the household is GOD, Parents, Children, work and everything else. He told husband, you can't balance your spouse and your children to be all on the same level. The spouse comes first. You are a team. You discuss and agree. If the child says to bio-parent, "I want this or go here, etc." as bio-parent you say. "Hmm, okay, let me discuss it FIRST with spouse and WE will get back to you."
I tell you the first time that my husband told my Skids this, (Discuss with spouse and get back to you), their mouths dropped open. Because their attitude was - "why do you have to discuss anything with her?" Maybe that is the spouses attitude too, which certainly is disrespectful to you.
Your wife has to become a 'team' with you. And sad to say, as hard as you try to be a team - there will be many, many, many slips where the skids will seem to come first (12 years of experience talking here.) Even now that they are adults, I still see the Skids coming first. But I have pointed it out and have had some very heated arguements.
Don't allow her to categorize you on the same level as her children. You are her spouse. Her children will one day leave and you will still with her. Remember it is also your home, your rules and your life. You need to vocalize becoming a solidified parental unit in the household. And I highly recommend marriage counseling on how to do some of this blending. 3 or 4 sessions - you would be amazed and how it would strengthen your relationship and you and your spouse will learn techniques to successful blended family/step-parenting matters.
Good Luck. Remember women want love and men want respect. Go boldly get your respect.