Tone Up Tuesday/Lost it with SS :(
*warning* if you're in a good mood, don't click on my blog, coz I'm in a baaaad mood!!!
I rarely post about my step problems, as I get paranoid about BM finding me online. But..
I *LOST* it with SSstb6 over the weekend. I'm talking like.. I completely f***ing lost it with the damn f***ing kid. There may even be spirits that were raised from the dead with the Sunny fury I laid upon him. I'd had ENOUGH of calmly repeating "don't do that sweetie" .. "cmon darlin, let's not do that" .. "Hun, you know not to do that"
FOR F***ING MONTHS AND MONTHS AND MONTHS, AND POSSIBLY EVEN YEARS, YES! NOW I THINK OF IT, IT'S F***ING YEARS WE'VE BEEN TELLING SS THIS!!! WTF!!!
This was a few days ago, and it completely messed me up for the whole evening. I didn't want to eat my meal that night after DH put him to bed, I felt quite literally physically sick.
Even days later. All I can see in my head, is his little upset face looking at me as I growled angrily at him, it wrecks my heart to know I caused his tears.
Omigosh it really does. I hated telling him off so bad, but I just SNAPPED.. WHY CANT YOU JUST LISTEN TO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD OMIGOSH
If you look up "patience" in the dictionary, you will see a very smiley happy picture of Sunny. I am a very laid back person. It takes a LOT to push me over the edge. Well STalkers, the edge was reached this weekend.
DH and I had our third *ever* fight that night, over how I spoke to SS.. after almost 6yrs together (met when SS was 3months) and this being our 3rd fight is pretty good going, but still.. DH said I was too hard on SS.
(((I must say at this point that DH does discipline SSstb6 very well, resulting in a generally good, respectful and polite kid. It's just that sometimes SS loses himself within his own dreamy mind and forgets stuff)))
I *also* must say later in the evening, when I reminded DH *how many times* we've told SS the *exact same thing* and that he was old enough to know better, DH actually apologised to me, and said that I was right, SS *should* know better by now at his age.
DH and I are *both* really laid back chilled out people, if something upsets us, we calmly say "Hun, it kind of upset me when you did/said (fill in blank)"
Then we'll discuss it quietly and come up with a game plan with how not to have that happen in future. That's just how we work. No shouting.
DH and I don't do that. It was still a really upsetting experience with me losing it with SS though, (((still, no shouting at SS, just kinda *growling* in a scary way)))) which is why I think DH was like "Wtf Sunny!" I'd just reached my limit I guess.
Then, to top it all off, this morning I had a doctors appointment about DD's health and was told I've been doing all the wrong things (even though I followed instructions from doctor to the T from a few weeks back) "Ah yes Mrs Sunny but we didn't have *fill in blank* information before"
OMIGOSH I was doing what you told me to. Now I have to try and rectify DD's health because of what YOU initially advised me to do. Omigosh.
I *hate* everyone and everything right now, stepped on the scales today and just to make everything *super* special, I've gained 3lbs. Yep. Not feeling great this week.
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Sending you lots of hugs. It
Sending you lots of hugs. It happens Sunny. I have lost it and yelled at my DD and made her cry. I felt like the scum of the earth, still do thinking about it. I have found that I forgive others easier than I do myself. So, please remember to be kind to yourself.
And, DD isn't scarred for life. SS will recover, quicker than you would expect.
Are you having any alone Sunny time? I have found that my patience is thinner when I don't take the time to take care of myself.
As far as the weight, f*ck it. It's been a rough week. Remember to think marathon not sprint.
And I have been bad, bad, bad. I was trying to quit dairy (cheese) and I am losing the battle and war.
And I love my trek! DH loves his two too:)
Once a month I gain 10lbs in
Once a month I gain 10lbs in one week due to that b*tch aunt Flo. So don't beat yourself up over 3.
I read your tone up Tuesdays because you are inspiring. So again don't beat your self up.
Now we have all yelled at the children at one time or another and then hated ourselves later. Remember this too will pass. But maybe in the future he will have a healthy bit of respect and when you say no he will listen.
Everyone stumbles, since you are already trying to fix it, I have faith that you will recover and succeed.
But even though I usually do not comment I really do find your blogs inspiring. So keep up that good work.
Thanks guys, you all keep me
Thanks guys, you all keep me sane! I still can't believe I lost it so bad with SS. I put both my hands on his upper arms, (not hard or anything, I just held him still so he'd look at me, and *truly* listen to me) got down to his level and looked him straight in the eyes while growling at him angrily and telling him he should know better by now, he's a big boy and has to learn to listen, we've told him so many times, etc etc.
Not shouting in his face, just that low, angry, firm growly voice. Which I actually think hit home *much harder* than yelling, and scarier :/ Argh I still feel so so bad
Jasper, he was not punished. I snapped just before the kids bedtime. So SS got his bedtime story from DH, and then DH put him to bed. I personally would've said to SS that he didn't deserve a story and he should just go straight to sleep without one. But I'd left the room and didn't want to look at SS anymore, so I wasn't there to say anything.
I think DH was so shocked at how I'd snapped with SS and saw how upset SS was (he's NOT used to Sunny like that), that he kind of wanted to calm SS down with a story before he went to bed. So no, he didn't get punished. In fact in a messed up way, he was *rewarded* with a story.
DH admits now that he was wrong and SS shouldn't have had a story, but it was just such a shock for DH to see me snap (never happens) that he carried on with the regular bedtime routine without thinking. I reckon he just went into autopilot from the shock of witnessing me losing it!
But.. Onto nicer things. Jasper I'm so excited for you about your new bike, it sounds awesome! I'm so happy that you've found an exercise/activity that you're so enthusiastic about, I wish I could find something like that lol! I do own a bike, but just don't have the energy, it hasn't seen the light of day in a looong time.
Which leads me on to answering Robins question: No. I do not get Sunny time. Ever.
DD2.5 has never left my side since the day she was born, (no daycare or anything) and to be honest I'm happy with that. Unless I ask DH to take the kids out for the afternoon at weekends, and leave me at home to do some chores that would be easier without DD around, I don't go out.
I still don't have any friends here since I moved to be with DH 5yrs ago, (don't get me started on how the "friends" I *had* made, screwed me over, I'm back on my own again) so it's not like I can call anyone and hang out with other adults.
Blueorblackink, I'm so happy to hear I've inspired you with my TUT blogs, that is wonderful news and it out a much needed smile on my face. Thankyou so much for letting me know x
Sally, you're so naughty lol! To be fair, SS actually really does genuinely do what he's told most of the time, like I said in my post. It's just that he forgets himself with certain things he's been told. Jeez. He's infuriating. With regards to DD's health, I *was* doing what I felt was right, then was told that was wrong. So I then did what I was told by docs that would be better for her. Now they've turned round and said go back to what I was originally doing?!! Omigosh so ridiculous. I want to say I'll never listen to doctors again but when you're told by professionals that you should change what you're doing for your kids health, you do it, right? Jeez I don't know anymore now! Siiigh
Anyway, I'm feeling much better now after my rant, thanks again guys x
You know, sometimes the kids
You know, sometimes the kids need to see that we are human and that their actions can have seriously negative consequences.
I have lost my cool over my SD's in the past when they were just pushing my buttons (their mother has taught them well). I think sometimes kids don't really get that other people have feelings too. They could tell when they went too far and it didn't happen often.