SD had counseling appointment today... Sita - you nailed it! Long ramble, need to clear my head....
SD finally had a counseling appointment alone today. She asked the counselor her questions and not surprisingly, the counselor was upset and disturbed. She wanted to know where SD got the idea to question if she was emotionally abused.
Counselor basically told SD that, in her opinion, SD was not emotionally abused because her mom never meant to hurt her!! Sita - just like you said emotional abuse requires some form of "intent to hurt"... Counselor pretty much had said that, and thank you - I was able to reconfirm that in the car using your words!! Thank you!!
She also told SD that her mom "loves her as much as she can, as best she can". I had also told this to SD last night (thanks again ladies!). But the poor thing doesn't really get it. I understand that.. she's young. I think that's a pretty tough topic to really "get".
I tried to explain it to her in the example of her very good "friend" who, for some reason, can't stop hitting on the boys my SD says she likes. As soon as SD expresses an interest, all of a sudden this girl starts calling the boy, and making him "choose" between the two of them! It pisses me off to no end. But, SD feels like this girl really cares for her feelings. And in all other respects, the girl has been good to SD. So I say, okay... Your friend cares for your feelings BUT she can't help but do this because she has some issues. So you know she cares, but for some reason she has "flaws". Does that make sense? SD makes excuses for her friend, but not for her mom.
It bothers me further because most of SD's friends are "troubled" in one way or another (her bff tries to steal her guys, another one is anorexic, one is a cutter...) SD won't tell this girl off because it's her "best" friend and she is too worried about having to deal with the loss of her mom, let alone her best girlfriend since 6th grade. I keep hoping that if we can get her mom situation settled, she will clear up other areas in her life as well.
Anyway, the counselor did not make another appointment for SD... either alone or with her mom. I am supposed to see her on Friday and now I am very worried. I don't know if she is going to say she cannot see SD anymore due to her illness, or what. Of course, I am afraid that I have somehow f*cked this kid up even further!!
SD did tell me that the counselor said that all of her walls are back up against her mom. Well, no kidding! After their last overnight together, their last session where her mom couldn't mention anything that SD has said was a problem, and her expressing that she doesn't feel like her mom loves her (because she can't understand the concept of loving as best they can)... she's gone back 10 spaces.
We are almost back to square one. Except this time I am going to try to convince the counselor to now start focusing on helping SD move past it. We want to turn visitation over into her hands and let the chips fall where they may. Hopefully, having control of her own visits will give her more control of her life, and then, her reactions to her mom.
Wish me luck ladies. It's going to be a rough week. SD turns 16 on Friday. She does not even want to spend the time to have dinner with her mom, but we are making her go with her mom on Thursday. And then on Saturday we are supposed to have a "friend" party for her. I'm hoping that her particular girlfriend won't do anything to ruin it. She has a way of "getting grounded" for some reason when SD has something fun planned. And of course, this was all planned before we had anything concrete, so her mom will be part of it, if only for 10 minutes.
I need a drink!!!
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Wow Stick! Here's a toast
Wow Stick! Here's a toast to you. Sixteen is such a tough time for a girl anyway without all this extra crap your SD has to go through. I agree that if SD can have some empowerment with her visits w/ BM it should give her some opportunities to create some healthy boundaries with her mom. My thoughts will be with you guys this week.
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"
Good Luck Stick, it sounds
Good Luck Stick, it sounds like you are doing all that you can for her. Its funny how we get strength we never thought we had in times like this
Stick... "SD makes excuses
Stick...
"SD makes excuses for her friend, but not for her mom."
She simply has higher expectations of her mom. Understandably so.
She just needs to learn to lower her bar and quit taking it all so personally. Mom's actions have very little to do with her daughter... she's too selfish by nature. I know it sounds weird and I'm not being mean here, but think about it... Mom is a creature of emotion who is, as a constant, fulfilling her needs first and foremost, why on earth would her actions towards her daughter have one thing to do with your SD?? She is too focused on herself. Her reactions are fueled by her initial emotion and she is merely alleviating that emotion. She lacks the capability to work past that initial emotion and reaction (usually viewed to the rest of us as extreme and selfish). She's just wired different.
It's like when you got your feelings hurt that SD said that "she has a mother but she doesn't have a mom". You thought that she should give you some credit perhaps. You took that statement personally but were able to filter that emotion and knew that it wasn't just about you. Same way the statement had not a thing to do with you.
A BPD simply does not have that filter. She would be very hurt by such a statement (her ACTUAL emotional feelings would also be far worse in intensity than yours by about 10 times ~ BPDs are usually hypersensitive) and her reactions (projecting blame or what not) is simply trying to alleviate that emotion by any means necessary.
It doesn't make her WRONG.... it just makes her who she is.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I know CG that what you say
I know CG that what you say is correct.... it's just a matter of getting a 16 year old to accept that about her mom. And I know for sure, that any suggestions for her to "quit taking it all so personally" - no matter how nice I, or the counselor, will try to couch that sentiment, is what will make her close up further.
I think your post exactly highlights my dilemma in trying to
confirm my "diagnosis" for her mom, and (b) share it with SD.
If I can get the counselor to confirm it for me, or even if she doesn't... I don't care. I know what I think is true and I can move forward. Some days it is easier than others, I will admit. I still struggle. Even with all of the support!
SD on the other hand.... without the diagnosis... without the realization that her mom could have a disorder, instead of just being "extreme and selfish", is going to have a lot harder of time not taking it personally. I truly believe that if she can say, Wow... my mom is messed up, but it's in her brain chemicals and she can't help all of it... that is what is going to help her move forward. It's definitely a harder road, and maybe the more mature accepting path for her without the diagnosis. "It is what it is" so to speak. But DH and I are trying to give her a break. ... It's in our hearts to do so...!!
I don't know... and I won't know. It's a never ending "process" of discovery, grief, and acceptance.
And as far as BM not being "wrong"... even I have a hard time swallowing that one.... knowing that she could be mentally challenged or not. I, as well as my DH, probably need to "lower our standards of acceptable behavior" as well. And it's a tough pill to swallow when there is an adult involved.
So I understand what you are saying. We (meaning DH, SD and myself) now need to accept and move on...
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Ummmm.... It IS a process.
Ummmm....
It IS a process. Ever read the stages of grief?
1.)Denial
2.)Anger
3.)Bargaining
4.)Depression
5.)Acceptance
You're all mourning something here. Like the counselor said, SD is learning to come to grip with a loss of sorts. She's stuck in the 2 to 4 range... she keeps expecting something different from her mom (past and present) that like death is pretty impossible to change. If I do x, she will do y and z will happen. Too much of her contentment lies in the hands of another.
I know it doesn't seem feasible... but accepting mom in all her beautiful glory will be her saving grace.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley