UPDATE: Bio Son is bad for my health...
Well, yesterday I went to counseling with BS. I guess the whole reason I had to go was because V (the counselor) was getting conflicting stories from the PO and from my BS. Well, I answered any and all questions she had for me. I also let her in on some little facts, like my BS isnt taking his meds (court ordered), he isnt listening to me (court ordered), he constantly lies to me and anyone else close to him who wants to help him. (aka.. my DH, my grandparents,other family members and even some of his now xfriends)
I told V that he does NOT respect me in the least amount BUT does respect my DH 10 fold. My BS agreed with me on that. He told V that he does this becuase "H understands me, he listens to me" V wanted to know what BS wanted me to understand. Of course BS some mumbles "IDK" So I came straight out and said " He hates me and doesnt want to live with me , he wants to live with XH" BS looked right at me and said "Yep you hit that right on the head!!"
It came down to BS making excuses for XH, why he doesnt visit, why he doesnt call, send cards, emails, or anything. V asked "why does XH not come see you?" BS said because he hates my mom. I wanted to know EXACTLY what he ment. BS told me that XH said " I hate that FUCKING BITCH!" :jawdrop: :jawdrop:
V came right out and told BS that that is just an excuse. She went on to tell him, that if she had kids she wouldnt let anything stop her from seeing them, even if she hated the other parent. She told him that he needed to stop making excuses for XH, b/c if he REALLY wanted to see BS or BD then he would find a way. I told her that XH has walked right past our house IDK how many times (100+ times) last summer and never once stopped. I told her that if he doesnt want to see me why doesnt he email, FB, call, text, write a letter or something. (I told her also that he doesnt send b-day or xmas cards either).
V told BS to quit blaming me for XH excuses. That those are his (XH) choices and that I should not be blamed.
I told V that we (DH and I) believe that BS holds Xh on a pedastel b/c he is here to do no wrong so he can DO no wrong. She agreed.
At one point she told BS that he has to ask himself if XH is a dad or nothing more than a sperm donor (her words) b/c is seems to her like he hasnt had a very big role in his life! (WOW somebody finally gets it!!)
Long and short of the meeting..... BS got his ass handed to him (told him he was breaking probation) and told him to stop listening to excuses and stop blaming me for everthing that is wrong AND told me that I was doing everything right!!
It feels good to be understood, by someone in some sort of power. She is reporting back to PO so I guess we will wait and see ......
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Comments
Maybe having the truth told
Maybe having the truth told to him by someone not related will actually help it sink in!!
Wow! I haven't commented in a
Wow! I haven't commented in a long while to your blogs, but I have been reading and keepin up. Your BS has so much misdirected anger toward you it's not even funny. He's so mad at his dad for not being a dad, he is just peggin everything and anything on you. I'm sorry he has caused you so much pain.
V is right, he DOES need to stop with the excuses and hold dad accountable for his actions (or lack there of) NOT you. I don't think it's gonna happen for a VERY VERY long time. (hopefully it WILL happen though)
I had an abstinee father. I built him up in my mind. My fantasy parent. He could do no wrong. I didn't get into the trouble your son has, but I do remember thinking that it was more my mother's fault than his that he didn't see me. I think parental rejection is the cruelest in human nature. Anyway, i did go through a period after high school and early 20's of confusion and anger and self destruction. Not understanding why until I GREW UP. Looking back now, it had alot to do with the absent dad (part time. he liked to flitter in and out. Repeated rejection. ) Anyway, I had children young (early 20's) and that changed alot for me. I was able to "focus" on something else. KWIM?
Anyway, No I don't really have any advice per sae, I wish i did. But I will say, I do KNOW how much of a releif it is to be validated. Just to have someone in your corner (an outsider) who is basically saying, "no you are not a bad parent." So, I'm glad you were given some validation. I'm glad that your son opened up some what a the counselor's office also. No matter how brutal, or warped the thinking is, at least he is saying how he feels and what he thinks.
What a good momma you are to not give up on him. I know that some would say, "well, I can't give up cause he is my kid...yada yada.." I know, I get that, but at the same time, we are only human. You can only be kicked in the teeth so many times.
(((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) to you!
Thank you Can't win, this
Thank you Can't win, this "part time. he liked to flitter in and out. Repeated rejection" is exactly my XH to a tee! He has promised all of my kids things for years and years and has NEVER followed thru on any of it. My oldes BD (19) has had nothing to do with him since she was easily 7 or 8. Now mind you he wasnt visiting then either (well not regular) and she hasnt seen him easily since she was 12. Unless you count walking down the street and him flipping her off! (yeah that's what I said...flipping her off....he needs to win FOTY)
He's promised them pretty much anything and everything, from game systems to rides on "his boat". None of it has ever come true.
At least one of my kids has "woke up" and realized what kind of person my XH is! Now if only the other 2 younger ones will follow suit.
I love her too!! She is very
I love her too!! She is very blunt and straight to the point No beating around the bush.