Sneaky little spies
I am always amazed at the new ways that BM continues to show her childishness and to the levels she will stoop to play her mind games with her own children.
Background:
3 SK's...1 SD12, Twin SS's be 11 next week. Up until June '07 all 3 SK's lived with BM but visited every other weekend and holidays with us.
BM contacted us January '07 wanting 1SS to move in with us because she "just couldn't control him anymore" (this is the 3rd time for this request from BM but never went through with it in the past)BM known to try and control SK's by telling them if they don't behave she'll make them go live with their BF.
Well it came back and bit her in her big FAT A** because this time she couldn't talk SS out of wanting to come live with us permanently.
Anyway, there was a lot of drama between BM and SS that lives with us and he did not go to her house for visitation very often. There was very little communication between the two of them because of BM's temper tantrums with SS because he doesn't email her, or call her every day. SS simply doesn't want to but can't tell her this because BM would punish him. (BM is very clingy and needy to everyone)
Back to my most recent find...I was cleaning the kids' play area in the lower level of our home. Well, in order to run the vacuum, I have to pick up everything on the floor. I found a couple of hand-written letters from BM to SS. No big deal, right?? WRONG!!! These were notes that BM had SD "smuggle" into our home for her brother on weekends that BD came here!!!! I know this because I read the letters....is that wrong??....I don't think so if they're going to be carelessly left lying around on the floor.
Anyway, BM is lecturing him for "pushing her away", blah, blah, blah....the usual. According to the letter, SS apparently sent BM a note home with his sister so BM made comments about us SUPPOSEDLY "censoring" their communication and that BM's "concerned that you feel you have to send letters through your sister as the only way you can talk to me freely"
WHAT A LOT OF BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BM alienated SS from herself but can't admit that she was wrong, so it has to be our fault...right??? NOT!!!!!!!
I was FURIOUS when I found this, especially since on this past Sunday when we dropped SS and SD back at their BM's, SS who lives with us always goes in to say hello to BM. When SS came back to the car, he told me that his BM told him that he better "straighten me out" about an on going problem between he and his sister that happened at our house (she's gotta get her nose into everything)
Well, when we got home, I sent her an e-mail and asked her exactly what a 10 year old is supposed to "straighten me out" about.
By Monday, it was a back and forth email all day with that B****. Basically, according the BM, EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT!!!!! The attitude she gets from SS, the attitude she gets from DH, the lack of communication between SS and DH, ETC. ETC. ETC.
I would like to say what I'd like to do to her, but I don't want that type of thing in writing! 
AND THE DRAMA CONTINUES.....................
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Never be surprised
about the maneuvers these BMs will pull! If you find it, it's yours to read. I've already told both the kids, never put in writing what you don't want someone else reading. It's that simple. If I find it, I'm reading it.
It's so bad in my house that DH's son was actually given a laptop this Christmas with a built in webcam. I better never find it outside of his room or I will take it. To me, that's as bad as giving him a videorecorder.
Have your DH run interference between the BM and the kids. He apparently needs to straighten her out.
All I'm asking for is some good old honesty served up fresh when I ask for it without the side order of hot tongue and cold shoulder!
what?
First of all I do not think that it was wrong for you to read the letters. If he really didnt want you to read them then they shouldnt of been left around. I think it is terrible for any adult to make the kids feel guilty about anything. I would of said something to your SS though. I would just confront him and let him know that you know what BM says and that its his choice to keep writing her and communicating with her but that you love him and nothing harsh that she says about you will effect that. Sometimes we just need to be there for them while the BM digs her own hole. Let the SD that if there is a letter to be given to SS she can freely hand it over to him that it doesnt have to be a secret between them. There is nothing wrong with BM and Son communicating. Even if she is blaming you for everything. just reassure him. He will see what she is doing sooner or later. That may even open the door to communication between the two of you. Good Luck!
"Still waiting to get my life back"
Actually
Actually the message that was sent was just a simple letter from SS to BM. The fact is that it was sent in a "sneaky" fashion. These letters were sent back in November and December and we knew NOTHING about it. Knowing nothing about it was not a big deal...what's a big deal is that BM ran with it and ASSUMED that her son had to communicate with her in a sneaky way because we supposedly interfere with BM and SS's communication.
BM knows that we don't accept any "messages" sent to DH through kids. We've made that very clear!
As far as DH trying to straighten BM out.....He's been trying for YEARS and has failed every time. We have to just ignore her or all this BULLS*** would go on a LOT more than it does :{
He had a talk with SS a little while ago about this whole deal....
I feel bad for SS because he's too young to realize how badly his BM twists everything.
"I prefer my life STRESS FREE...When you're STRESSIN'...You're STRESSIN' me"
SS says he wasn't trying to be sneaky
SS told us he wasn't trying to be sneaky, and maybe he wasn't, he's only 10 after all but BM unfortunately has taught them too well over the last 10 years to be exactly that....sneaky.
DH pointed something out to him during their conversation. If you weren't trying to be sneaky why would your sister have to deliver the letter to BM when you go into the house to say hello to BM when they are dropped off after visitation??
Heck, I hadn't even thought of it that way, but DH has a point.
"I prefer my life STRESS FREE...When you're STRESSIN'...You're STRESSIN' me"
The drama does not have to continue.
BM can tell SS that you are interfering with her communication with him, but as he lives with you, he will see and know firsthand that you do not and kids are more likely to believe what they see and experience for themselves than what they are told to believe. As for what the BM believes, well, we all know they'll believe what they want to, regardless of any evidence to the contrary. You are entitled to examine anything left laying about in your home, so I wouldn't feel a bit guilty for reading anything. I do think a parent is entitled to private conversation with his or her child, but if that child is not responsible enough to keep written communications private, then it's on BM for writing to him in the first place. She should know (and probably does) that he's not responsible enough to keep the messages private. I have a boy this age and while he does an excellent job of hiding things from himself, nothing gets past his mama.
I'm wondering if she's sending messages in writing HOPING that you will see them. Hmmm.
I think the drama lasts as long as you actively participate in it. There is simply no point in confronting the BM over something like this. When we respond to BM's like this, all we do is feed into their sickening need for dramatic entertainment at our expense. Why give into that? I can think of a zillion and one other things I'd rather be doing than interacting with my skids' mother for any reason.