" Most parents do not want to admit to themselves the hardships they've brought on their children by choosing to divide their families."

Of course you are right. Divorce is so much fun for everyone that those who have done it have no concern for their kids. Riiiiiiight. Have you been divorced? Do you know what its like?
If not, you don't know what you are talking about. If you have, then lump yourself right up into that category you put MOST parents in, unless you are somehow above it all and better than everyone else.

For every parent who left a abusive situation, for every parent who left a husband or wife who cheated, or cared nothing about their families, shame on you for that above comment. I know NO ONE who got divorced who had children who did not agonize over their decision. Maybe you are just hanging out with the wrong people.

"It's like death. Only the people are still alive"

Well sorta but then again.... Speaking from experience. My first DH passed away when my kids were 3 and 5.

The crazy BM in my life told me once that death isn't nearly as bad as when the love dies, as was the case in HER marriage.

I look at it this way from the adult's point of view:
Divorce happens when there has been betrayal, abuse, etc and in most cases the love is gone, replaced by sorrow, anger, contempt, you name it. All avenues have been exhausted, and the person/people know it's time to go, and divorce proceedings commence. Yes, there's heartaches, headaches, and gutaches from all the drama involved in lawyers, court, CS, custody and all of the other things involved. To quote my DH when I asked him about his divorce, "I just got to a point that I couldn't feel love for her because of her actions and behaviors, and she wasn't willing to work on it." He was ready to be d.o.n.e.

I loved my first DH with all my heart, and I still do to this day. There are some things death doesn't change. He died way too young (35), and although we had been married 15 years, our 'family' had just begun. We weren't ready to be done. He didn't do anything to hurt me, to betray me, he was just terminally ill with an incurable disease.

From the kids' point of view:
I know kids of divorced parents have a difficult time adjusting to parents living in different homes... new SO's/spouses. I'm a stepmom, I see it. Rules vary, expectations vary, and they have to deal with the craziness of the adults (in many cases). And it's unfortunate because know what? They still have 2 parents (unless of course, one takes off without a fowarding address).

Kids of death have to deal with a parent they will never see again, except in their dreams and memories. And pictures. Huge milestones will be shared with one parent, but there's always going to be that "missing piece". My son will never have is dad watch one of his games. My daughter will never get the chance to hear her dad say "you're amazing" when she wins a scholastic award. Who will walk her down the aisle?

I'm not trying to disparage any beliefs, just seeing it from the other side that many don't have to deal with. I hear my kids often talk about the fact that my SK's complain about having to "uproot" their EOW to come see their dad (they live 5 minutes away). My kids get literally disgusted when they hear this, as they would give anything to see their dad.

I agree with what you're saying. I too am a realist (usually). Even though my children were very young when their father passed away, I have made it very clear to them that losing their father was out of anyone's control, it's sad, he will be in their hearts forever, but their loss will not be used as a crutch, or a reason for everything "wrong" in their lives.

I make no beans about telling my kids that life often sucks, it's not fair, but what is important is what WE make of it, how we deal with the curve balls life throws at us, and how we learn and grow from those experiences.

Bear with me as I fumble thru this... What would my kids have become had I not been strong, had I not been their "rock", had I not found a "new normal" for the three of us that still had rules, discipline, and expectations? What would my kids have become had I allowed them to use the death of their father as an excuse for all sorts of bad behavior towards anyone who crossed their paths? What would my kids have become if they witnessed and fed off of my anger, frustration, and sorrow at getting the short end of the stick?

This is terrible to say, but I think they would have become much like some of the kids/step kids we talk about on this site.

I agree Dragonfly... I couldn't imagine loving anyone (child, parent, or spouse) more than I love me.

I even know people that have stayed together for the sake of their religion, I am talking about women who were beaten but hesitated to leave due to their religion, so not saying divorce is fun but it certainly isn't the end of the world either