Does this ever happen to anyone? I couldn't "get it up", figuratively speaking. :(
So last night, grandma took the babies and DH and I had a night to ourselves. It felt so great. We had a nice dinner while watching one of our favourite shows. DH got to bed before me and was reading a book. I went to take a shower before bed, and in my mind, was preparing to come out of the shower and have a nice sex session, since we have zero distractions for once. But while I was in there, I heard that DH got a message on his phone. It was late, past 11pm, so of course when I came out I asked what was the message about. DH sent the phone across the bed and told me to look. It was a picture of the Skids in their Halloween costumes, from BM. After that I was just so mad and sad that, guess what, it was like I couldn't get it up. I couldn't think about DH in a loving way. I wasn't attracted to him. I had wanted a special night with him all to myself. It was like a fairytale night and then, bzzzzzt, a stupid wake-up call reminder that I'm not the only woman in his life, that he had one before me and she's thinking about him at this very moment and she's never going away.
Yes, the text was about the kids. But the picture was obviously taken just before it got dark and before they went trick or treating. And BM was sending it, not the kids, who each have a phone and are certainly old enough (12&13) to contact their dad. So why did she need to send it to him just as we were settling into bed? Why couldn't it wait until tomorrow? Why does she think she can text him up whenever she feels like? Why can't I have just one special night when I can really really pretend she doesn't exist and have that dream life I deserve for just one night?
Of course DH got mad at me, saying that I'm letting that woman control our lives. But I didn't feel very much in control. He tried to hug me and kiss me, and I just couldn't bring myself to reciprocate. All that was going through my mind was that he'd done all this with that woman, then I remember that one time he actually stopped sex to answer her phone call (that was wayyy back at the beginning and she had a special ring tone so we knew it was her), and then I remember that time when I was pregnant with our first baby and were in the grocery and he was pointing out that I'd need witch hazel wipes after I deliver because he had to go buy some for BM after their first baby, and then the words "BM's v@g*n@" are in my head because, hey that's where the baby came out, and I just can't get all these awful thoughts out of my head. And I tell DH that I wish I drank, because I think I need some alcohol in order to wash away these pictures that seem to be etched in my brain somewhere and come up with the littlest trigger.
I was so mad and disappointed. I still am. I don't know how to fix this. I have tried to put sugar and spice and all that's nice into my brain for special time with DH but sometimes things trigger this aweful snowball, and I just cannot think of sex or love and I'm more repulsed by DH than I'm attracted to him. I love him, he loves me, no question that it's me he wants to be with, but as far as I see she's with him forever. He's hers forever. She's not ever going away. I'm never going to actually have him for myself without the interruption of his other woman unless she dies before I do.
I just don't know how to fix this. 
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Wait until you go past your
Wait until you go past your mid forties, when menopause starts to hit. I'm on HRT and have ZERO sex drive. Once in a while I'll get an interesting dream or two IF I've had a good nights sleep (usually AFTER GG gets up so no ear splitting snoring) which is rare to say the least.
Then pile on heaps of loss of respect due to the BM/Skids/guilty-disney-doormat daddy drama.
EEEWWWW!!!
I'm in this boat too. I was
I'm in this boat too. I was hoping HRT would help but nope.
You know, I've caught a few
You know, I've caught a few of your blogs, think I might have even bookmarked one because you and I think alot alike. I have had the same thoughts as you as far as BM goes. I think alot of it for me is a control issue as well. It drives me insane that I have ZERO control over what that woman does (or doesn't do) but her actions directly affect MY life. I remember one time last year my DH was just being goofy and made some smart remark about me doing all the "work" of having our BS as far as pushing. Well, guess what, I had a freeking C-Section, I didn't push for one second of my labor. I immediately flew off the handle and accused him of confusing MY birth with BMs. He swore that was not the case, that he was just being a smart ass but obviously shouldn't have said that. I felt like a jerk later for being such a brat, but I just hate that there is NOTHING sacred in our marriage (other than I am his first marriage, he was never married to either BM.. thank God for small favors!)
DH will say he doesn't understand why I let her bother me so much... it's because SHE'S ALWAYS THERE! She ruined MY birthday 3 years ago when she called while we were out with friends and DH and she ended up getting into a big fight. She ruined MY BS 1st birthday last year when she kept texting DH while he, BS and I were out trying to have a nice dinner. And just like you, I think the same thing when she'll text at like 11 pm to ask DH to pick up SS the next day or remind him of something, why is this woman thinking about MY DH at 11 at night?? UGH
I have no answers for you, but will be curious to see if anyone else does.
I don't feel like that, I
I don't feel like that, I just remember that he has had her and doesn't want her, he wants me and that makes me feel better. That and our BM is really unattractive and from what he has elluded not that great in the bedroom department.
I know that its hard and may not help but just try to remember that no matter who he has slept with before you are the one in his bed and heart, not her. Most men have slept with more then one woman its just unfortinate that in our situations we have to be reminded of it every day.
Just yesterday, after getting
Just yesterday, after getting into an argument b/c GG's niece (she's 6 years OLDER than he is) said something like "if GG doesn't want to go to some of my parties you can come by yourself or bring your grown bios" GG went into ORBIT!
And he told me that he CONSIDERS THE WOOKIE AND HER FAMILY TO BE MORE HIS FAMILY THAN HIS OWN!!! :jawdrop:
So after over eight years of framing IRS troubles, massive PAS and CPS troubles and god knows what else, he's saying that his ex-MIL (who he doesn't consider his EX) and clan are more warm and fuzzy to him than his OWN family that HASN'T taken the Behemoth's side??!!!! And he deep down blames the loss of his kids to PAS MY fault and not his, of course for NOT taking action against the Behemoth in the early days.
WTF!!?? Oh yeah, that's attractive and endearing.
I know exactly what you mean.
I know exactly what you mean. DH went shopping and to dinner with SD18 the other night. I know that the whole time he was touching and rubbing on her because that's what he does when he sees her, even in front of me. Well, he doesn't get home until nearly 9 and then I come to bed at 10 and he tried to get frisky with me. All I could think is, "He just got done touching SD18 with those hands, and I'll be he hasn't washed them." I simply couldn't do it.
Sing it Echo! Your advice
Sing it Echo!
Your advice to OP is spot on.
You must be wayyyy stronger
You must be wayyyy stronger than me.
I'm pretty sure she knows she's interrupting while we're already in bed. I'm sure she's tickled pink and sending said text in glee and hoping DH doesn't get any because of it, and would just love to know that was in fact the outcome. And you know what, it doesn't give me one bit of pleasure to have sex with DH despite all the thoughts going on in my head, just so as to give BM a middle finger she wouldn't even see. It would be DH getting his rocks off and me lying there waiting to get it over with, because I just cannot relax with those thoughts in my head. I have tried stopping the thoughts and you know what, it's like trying to not think about wanting to pee, it just makes you feel to pee even more. Once it's triggered, no matter how I try to steer the thoughts away, they wind a path right back to the trigger.
But as someone else mentioned, why couldn't DH just have his phone turned off after 10pm or something? Why couldn't DH set clear boundaries with his ex-bitch and let it be known that communication after 9pm is not tolerated unless it's an emergency? Why does it have to be me to control thoughts that snowball out of control, when just eliminate the triggers will eliminate the issue?
I'm not sure that I should pretend that it doesn't bother me and go on to have fake sex with DH. That would make him think there's no problem whatsoever, and he can continue to give BM the right of way to call and text whenever she gets an inkling to.
Have any of you read my blog
Have any of you read my blog "how many of you are sick of your DH talking to his ex??!!" It will make your mind race if you are anything like me with these horrible never ending thoughts but I find the things I said in the last few paragraphs have truly put BM and my feeling like the other woman into perspective. I hope it helps you even a little. I know how hard this can be.
LOVE your signature/tag
LOVE your signature/tag line!!!!
I SOOOOO agree with it. Just waiting for GG's feral, un-parented, oversized underachievers to get in over their head. GG literally told me that b/c my now grown bioson made excellent grades, that made him an unpopular dork-type. I beg to differ. Just b/c his brats are failing special education!!!
PB (our BM) sent a text pix
PB (our BM) sent a text pix to DH of HER baby with GRANDbaby (that she won't let us see). DH tried to take it as a nice gesture.
I said, "The hell it is! First off, she is under a No Contact unless Emergency Order. This is in DIRECT VIOLATION to that order! Secondly, she is rubbing your FACE in the fact that SHE controls not only IF you see YOUR OWN kids but whether you get to see your GRANDSON as well!"
Then I went on, "Plus why in the WORLD would you want a picture of HER crotch dropping??"
He still didn't see my point of view until I said, "I should call HER husband and ask HIM why HIS wife is sending pictures of HIS child to MY HUSBAND!"
Then he got it.
You GO girl!! I like the
You GO girl!! I like the FIREY Skylarksm!!
I have been there, just
I have been there, just knowing they (skid's) called or texted ruins my whole mood. Recently one of the skids saw me driving and waved apparently, well i didnt really see them (dumb me, paying attn to the road. what was i thinking?!?) So the skid called df to see if i was mad...so they can ignore me all the time, but i have to acknowledge them even if im driving? The skid recently invited df to come see the new house...just df. i pointed this out and he says nothing. this little incident alone ruins my mood just thinking of it. Its hard to be attracted to a man that doesnt even stand up for me.
"Its hard to be attracted to
"Its hard to be attracted to a man that doesnt even stand up for me."
Sing it sister!
That's exactly it. I think that's really what destroys it for most of us. Not the ex and not the horrible kids but the fact that our Superman turns into some ass kissing jerk when he's exposed to them and we are just expected to do the same. Nevermind our feelings. When they are around, on the phone, sending pics, etc...we aren't important anymore.
Amen, smileygirl! That is
Amen, smileygirl! That is part of the problem. We will ALWAYS take a backseat when those women call/text because just like everyone has said... they use their spawn to get our guy's attention. My DH doesn't stick up for me in these call/text situations because, as he says, the court stands up for them. If he picks a fight with them, then they just threaten court and he knows he'll lose... the sad part is... he's right. No matter what those women do, the court will always side with them.
I've asked my DH to ask them (all 3 BM's) to not call/text after 8pm. He says he has, but that they won't listen. First of all, I'm not sure that he has asked them and quite frankly, as I told him, they won't stop calling/texting after 8pm regardless of whether or not you've asked them to because YOU STILL KEEP RESPONDING!!!! I told him that when he responds, they don't take his request seriously.
And due to our circumstances... I'll never have his kid, so in my eyes, in a way, I'll never be "equal" to them.
I don't have kids either, but
I don't have kids either, but I would not want my offspring to be anywhere near the skids. I would shudder if any of them mentioned a relation to my children. I would shudder if someone in public noticed the last name and asked if the child was related to the skids. The skids are actually not even df's (they are his stepkids, but he raised them more or less) so i wouldnt be lying if I said my offspring was not related to the skids, but df would have a fit. Besides that df said he'd have to "learn to deal with" a child again if I got prego, so I have no plans of having children with df.