HPV vaccine - BM INFORMED, not consulted us about getting it for SD10
When I was picking up the skids yesterday from MIL's house where they go after school, BM drove up behind me. She said tell FH that in the next couple of days I'm going to be taking SD10 to get start the Gardasil vaccine. She said, "She's old enough to get it now and since it runs in both sides of the family I think it's a good idea."
Uh, what part of FH having sole custody does she not get? Obviously, she doesn't get the part about him having the end all, be all say on skids receiving ANY medical services.
HPV doesn't "run" in ANYBODY'S family, it's friggin' sexually transmitted and last I checked, SD still thinks boys are gross. She's a little bully, she'd rather kick their a$$ either literally or at whatever sport she's playing then as soon look at 'em. Why BM thought this would fly, without even giving FH the chance to research this extremely controversial vaccine is evidence of her abject dimwittedness.
This is not meant to be a discussion about the pros and cons of Gardesil. I'm all for anything that can prevent cancer. Although, I'd like to research side effects and if those are increased in younger patients. I think SD can wait until at least like 13 to get this. It's more about BM overstepping her bounds.
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I half agree half disagree
I think that getting the vaccine even at that age is a good idea. Your are right though HPV does NOT run in the family at all. A few years ago I had cervical cancer, they fried it off and I was good to go. However, they told me that it was from HPV that it is sexually transmitted OR you could simply get it from sitting on a toilet after someone who had it because it also carries in the dead skin cells that flake off. Well long story short after many follow up exams and others over the years other doctors told me the one that told me I had HPV was full of it because there were no signs that I had it at all. However, cervical cancer does run in my family and that is a different thing all together. As far as the vaccine honestly I would let her get it, that is one more thing that can be prevented, though it will not prevent cancer if it runs in the family only prevents the HPV related stuff.
ditto
HPV is NOT a genetic disease. You can get many strains in many different ways. From what I've read in my personal research (I recently made the decision to get the shot), its actually best for women to receive it at a young age. It give the body more time to build resistance to the strains that could cause HPV/cervical cancer. And while your SD may not be into boys, other girls are. She could pick up infected skin cells from the bathroom, locker room, etc.
Since your DH has sole custody it is up to you and DH to decide whether or not SD should receive this vaccine. Its nice that BM is concerned about her daughter's health but it is NOT up to her at this point to make that kind of decision for her. Best of luck in your research. I hope you can find enough unbiased information to make a good informed decision
Like I said,
this was more about BM overstepping her bounds than the merits of Gardesil. MIL had a hysterectomy a number of years ago because she had an ovarian tumor. I think that's what BM was referring to when she said "It runs in both sides of the family." Needless to say, she's an idiot (ovarian cancer does not equal cervical cancer and like you said, Gardesil does not protect against hereditary cancer just the sexually transmitted HPV) and she doesn't have the authority to make the decision about SD getting the vaccine ANYWAY. She shouldn't be just informing us of what she's going to be doing, she should be asking FH if it's okay.
The major part of the problem is the judge ordered BM to keep the skids covered on her medical - which is medicaid. She won't give us the cards - because well I think she's issued a new one every month. Any doctor we take them to in town, knows them so it's not a problem, BUT I would rather we put the kids on SCHIPS and take control of their medical care and BM just to back the truck up. I don't like her scheduling their appointments and taking them out of school whenever she feels like it. It's confusing for school staff, etc. when they have paperwork stating that she is only allowed access on certain days.
She lost custody of them over a year ago, being in charge of their medical care is part of that. She was ordered to release their shot records, SS cards, birth certificates to FH LAST October and she hasn't. It's probably not that big a deal, it's just her clinging to the last little bit of control she has so I should probably just get over it. But, I wonder if it would look bad on us, if she ever tried to get custody back and we weren't holding up on our responsibility.
I'm not sure
if I'd get the vaccine for a 10 year old, but I agree that for the most part, it seems like your BM is just throwing something at you guys to get some control. Your FH should have been DEFINITELY consulted by her BEFORE this plan was made. To me it makes BM look very irresponsible for the wellbeing of her kid. She's alienating dad from an experience that should be very much a part of dad's decision. I know it may not be comfortable for dad, but it's so important that he at least aware of it. What is SD does get the vaccine but (I'm just thinking worst case) ends up with something else and when dad finds out he'll feel guilty that he didn't pay attention more or was more involved in such matters, when it was actually BM leaving him out of the "girl stuff" part of life and he went along with it.
Also, you said, "It's probably not that big a deal, it's just her clinging to the last little bit of control she has so I should probably just get over it. But, I wonder if it would look bad on us, if she ever tried to get custody back and we weren't holding up on our responsibility."
In my opinion, it's a huge deal and yes, yes yes, it does look bad that you're not holding up to your responsiblity of keeping the "arrangements" of sole custody as they are legally written. SS cards, birth certificates are documents that identify your child in a legal manner and they should be with YOU. BM can have copies but as far as the courts are concerned, you and H are their guardians. The ones that fought so hard for their custody and now they don't even bother to get their records. I'm sincerely not trying to bash you or come off very aggressive but when you make plans, make rules, the best thing you can do is be consistent with what you plan. That not only shows your commitment but also your understanding of the importance of the matter.
What if BM dies (god forbid, right?)? What if BM decides to tune into her crazy side full time and splits with the kids? She's got their main identification and not the people who actually have custody.
It's almost October again. Get them back!!
If you wish to give off light, you must endure the burning.
We're scheduled to go back to court Oct. 14
It's to finalize the temporary orders to modify parent-child relationship. In other words, BM has finally lost her attempts to reverse the decision giving FH custody and now our lawyer is ironing out the details. These issues -medical, ID, etc. are definitely going to be a part of that.
The reason that I hesitate to make a big deal over her attempts to hang on to control is that I don't want to poke the bear. BM has been decent for the last 10 months (after years of crazy that led to us getting custody) and it hasn't been a problem, thus far.
I do hope FH has a talk with the skids' medical providers so we can go around her so to speak. It may take the doctor putting a halt to her decision making before she gets what sole custody means in that realm.
Now I understand about the court date
and I know it can be so hard not to want to rock the boat. Why ask for trouble when it looks like things have finally cooled off?
I try to put my concerns and annoyances into two categories.
I get jealous if BM talks to my SO about her personal life so I throw a fit and ask that things only about SS should be discussed. I rock the boat but for selfish reasons.
I think if I were in your position, this would be a matter that I wouldn't feel guilty rocking the boat about. I'd suggest it through DH, of course, but it would be important enough and it's for selfless reasons- I care about the kids. Not saying you don't. My god, if you're fighting for them so far now it's obvious you do.
Everyone is different and honestly I haven't had the shit that many people have with their BMs. Things are just starting to brew for me. I didn't mean to come off like a smart ass. I apologize if I did.
Talking to the medical provider is a great idea and I think it will put BM in her place.
If you wish to give off light, you must endure the burning.
Do you know the Doctor BM wants to take SD to?
DH and BM have 50/50 sometimes BM will try "informing" or "telling" DH what medical attention skids should get. Anything seen on tv BM thinks skids need or should have without ANY research on her own. BM is very impulsive and it is worse if co-workers or friends kids are doing/getting something.
To help prevent some of this DH took a copy of the court order to the childrens doctor...now doctor will not provide ANY non-emergency services without consent by both parents. In the beginning they required writting consent but now they will call DH/BM for consent. It really isn't the doctors responsiblity but we are grateful they have taken on the responsibility.
Good idea.
Yes, we do know where she takes the kids. I think I will suggest FH take the court documents and have a talk with them.
Thanks, so much. Your response was immensely helpful!!!
Ha Ha Ha!!
Thanks for the laugh about HPV being genetic.
I guess you really can't fix stupid....
As far as her taking SD to get that done, well someone needs to sit BM down and explain to her what sole custody means. She is boldly going where she should not be, overstepping her bounds big time!! Maybe another trip in front of the judge will get some sense in her head. Plus, it is illegal for her to keep those medical cards from you. That needs to be seriously adressed. I know it gives her a feeling of control where she has none, but that's not your problem.
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." ~Robert Frost
Be careful
On our local news last week (in Chicago) there was a report regarding Gardasil and the risks. Apparently they're finding that the risks are now much higher than they originally thought. The FDA might even pull it off the market if the findings are bad. But she is DEFINITELY overstepping. I would explain to BM exactly what sole custody means - maybe give her the Webster's definition...
It seems I heard something about that recently
And that's why I think it's important that we do our research regarding this entirely optional vaccine. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea - I am 100% for doing anything to minimize the risk of cancer. I think the vaccine is wonderful in theory, but FH should definitely be allowed to gather information before the choice is made.