How to deal with this behaviour?
Ss is 14 and his behaviour is becoming increasingly more difficult to live with. We have ss every weekend and I'm back in work so I live for my weekends to spend some quality time with my lo - ss has had a negative impact upon our household for months now.
At first it just started with the usual moodiness and hormones.
I left it go even through he was getting cheekier and cheekier.
But now it's elevated to a whole new level that it really does affect me even wanting to be anywhere near ss.
Just a few examples: level of entitledness:
Ss texting my dh asking for a 250e phone as he smashed the screen on the iPhone my dh gave him last Christmas. Keeps referring to it as a "cheap" present. When my dh says he will look into it , there's not even so much of a reply to say "thanks dad" just radio silence. This is the same child who gets around 30-40e a month between pocket money and money from my fil and parents. He hasn't saved one penny to buy any of his 3 little brothers a present (1 here and bm has two small boys) or his mum or dad. Just expects me to buy a present and put his name on it which I told him months ago He had to save 5e per person so essentially one monthsnpocket money and can't do that. Hasn't even asked about dh present.
The week before ss was with me when I had to take my lo to the doctor. Doctor told me to rush lo to hospital so I dropped ss back to my oh work and took lo to hospital. He hasn't even once asked my husband how he is, just text looking for a new phone. Sad.
Bm text my husband last week saying ss had gotten in trouble in school as he had not been doing homework for MONTHS. lies to her telling her he had done it in school. Bm asks my husband to speak to ss. He purposefully ignores my oh calls ALL WEEK. Finally answers my dh last night and when my dh tries to talk to him about it he just hangs up on him.
I don't know how to support my husband through this because all I can think is he is acting like a little shit. I have tried to get my oh to speak to bm , they have very little contact but he is reluctant to do so because she contributes to the problem - was there when ss hung up on my dh. Says nothing to him etc.
How would you deal with this? How would you support your oh? All I keep thinking is this is another weekend with lo ruined by ss actions as I wanted to go do something Christmassy but don't want to reward ss for treating my husband like this. When I have a 1.5 hour commute each way to work , time with my family is really
Precious to me at weekends 
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How would I deal with
How would I deal with this...
1. DH Text BM - SS has been asking for a new expensive phone, due to his recent behavior and lying to us both, I decided he will not get a phone from my side. I can not tell you what to do, but I think this will be a good punishment. Once he does home works I might change my mind for his birthday. Then DH can inform SS, sorry dude you will not get a new fancy phone or a cheap one until your behavior changed and your home work is up to date...
If BM then runs and buy him a new phone, so be it, next time she calls and asks DH to speak to SS he should reply... why you 2 suddenly not speaking the same language anymore?
Neither you or DH will buy gifts and put his name on it, let him sit there like an idiot... even if the smaller kids got him gifts, they should ask him - what did you get us SS..... but this seems a bit stupid... I would say absolutely nothing to SS not getting DH a gift, DH will notice and then you have to get DH to agree, next SS bday - pretend he's not getting gifts, simply say... Oh but you decided last year there's no more gifts between you and family, why should it change now? You can't only be on receiving side, you will have to be on giving and receiving side... (you let it sink in for a day or two) alternative I would simply take the value in cash and pay it in to a savings account for SS< he does not need to know about it - he can get it all age 21 or 25...
The most ironic thing is he
The most ironic thing is he only got his iPhone last Christmas because he was doing so well in school.
My dh is good at disciplining ss usually but he has been in denial over the last few months saying it's just typical teenager stuff. I think he's just gotten fed up with having to fall out with ss literally every weekend. They haven't enjoyed each other's company in ages because quite frankly it is hard to be around ss with his moods.
I'm completely disengaged and focus on my lo and enjoying him at weekends. I have a feeling my oh was seriously going to buy it for him. I was annoyed because even dh said our lo would get an extra present as he only gets from us. We spent 200 on ds (100 each) yet ss was looking for a "cheap" present of 250 just from dh alone. He's already gotten a virtual reality set and Xbox game as well. I had suggested 100 towards a cheaper phone but there's now an expectation from ss that his iPhone has to be replaced. If his behaviour wasn't so disgusting he might actually have gotten it.
Do something Christmassy but
Do something Christmassy but leave SS out of it. Don't change your life because of him. And indeed his parents need to say NO. Not I'll look into it, but NO.
I was wondering why my dh
I was wondering why my dh didn't want to show me the message about the phone this is literally it verbatim:
Ss: my mom said there's a cheap iPhone in xyz if you want to get it for me
Ss: can I have an iPhone for Christmas
Ss: please
Dh: well look into it at the weekend son
RADIO SILENCE!! Not even a thank you!! This kid makes me sick. This was obviously before my ss hung up on him. Or before he found out about lack of school work.
I think dh should contact the sea hag like acta suggested and mention his crappy behaviour although I'm sure she's well aware of it too. She won't do anything or back ss up so dh feels it's pointless but feel our lives will only get more miserable as ss gets older unless we up it in the bud now.
Because our bm would never
Because our bm would never spend money on ss in a million years. Expects my husband to do it. In fairness my dh usually says no when she tries to have any input such as "my
Mom said you will take me to cuz" always really expensive places too and seeing as we have ss every weekend it's just not happening . She is more han welcome to buy him an iPhone I just know t will never happen.
Only prob with that trumped
Only prob with that trumped is it costs 59e to get screen fixed - he gets 40 on average a month could have fixed it ages ago but expects a new phone . He doesn't want it fixed and actually "lost it" 2 days ago... co incidence ?? My dh thinks it is but I don't!
I don't get people who say that bad behaviour of teens is to be expected? That he doesn't give a shit about his sick little brother? That he is downright nasty at the moment? I don't think we should just be writing it off as to be expected. He needs to learn. Same with presents -
Surely it's a life skill to learn he needs to budget his pocket money to also give to the ones he loves ??
I know plenty of teens who
I know plenty of teens who are not selfish, well behaved and care deeply about others.
Your world view is skewed.
Yep. They learned their
Yep. They learned their assholery from their parent(s). Most of the bad behavior is learned behavior IMHO. Sure, some kids are just plain jerks and have really good parents. But I have personally found those to be few and far between.
Most of the assholery in minor children stems from the parents not setting limits or having expectations of their snowflakes. **shrugs shoulders**
Exactly!! ItsGrowingOld
Exactly!! ItsGrowingOld nailed it. Children only act the way they are allowed to act and usually bad behavior is directly related to bad parenting. Get the little shi* a flip phone.
Or no phone at all until the
Or no phone at all until the little *hit can show some respect and demonstrate some maturity.
And thanks all lo is on the
And thanks all lo is on the mend - have had to take even more time off work unfortunately but luckily I have a government job so can work around it. Is awful when los are sick isn't it.
At 14 I was working the cash
At 14 I was working the cash register at a local fast food place... and I was pretty spoiled! The fact is, the kid has money he can spend to fix his phone. Teach him responsibility. This is how you do it. I'm 22 and work for a company where we have smartphones provided. The first time I broke the screen on mine, the company fixed it. The second time I broke it, I went to them and they were like nope... you broke it twice you fix it this time or buy a new one. You can bet I'm much more careful with my phone now that I've spent $200 out of pocket to fix it! (Long story... the guy fixing it made some mistakes that cost ME money... always go to apple and dont take the cheap route lol!)
If he gets money for free without working, I'd damn well have him pay to get it fixed. Especially considering the bad grades, I wouldn't put too much into xmas for him unless he straightens up. But ultimately, he's a teenager... this is what they do. They're ungrateful and bratty for the most part. He just needs to be taught otherwise.... or he'll be an ungrateful and bratty adult!
At most he should get a new
At most he should get a new screen. But perhaps his pocket money could be withheld for a while to help pay for it. The cynic in me thinks he deliberately broke the screen so he could ask for a new phone.
I see that OutlawSteps4evah
I see that OutlawSteps4evah had you read the signature... not my kid, not my problem... is that advice? This is your family now and families share problems. I can completely respect that Skids can sometimes cause disruption to a peaceful home. Somehow the family needs to discover what is happening in that teen's head. Why does he act in such a way? Someone needs to open a dialogue in that house to discover the real problems. As a family, I suggest to work together to solve the issues and somehow work through the grievances. What you described sounds serious and will not go away by avoidance. Some serious discipline needs to be brought down on that child. There should be no phones in the picture. No privileges. Therapy may be in order. And to your question about what you need to do in regard to supporting your husband, yes you need to, that is your role as his wife. Provide a loving safe place for him to confide to and lean on while he deals with this disaster. You and he will come out stronger together. I do not pretend to know what is happening to your stepchild but I can imagine that his life has changed incredibly and he is acting out what he has no voice for. If this was my situation, I would lay down a safe place to talk as a family and get started on airing it all out with no consequences (as best as you can, anyway) to allow the teen to yell and scream out everything that is eating at him. Then you as parents try to work with him to sort through it all. This kid is probably still dealing with divorce, two families, two homes, along with all of the other teen pressures in his life. Give your hubby, and your stepson a happy place where you can be a safe zone, loving and supportive but not a doormat. It will take sacrifice on your part, but you probably knew step parenting would not be easy. Usually there is a root to a teen's behavior and it can be addressed and corrected in many cases: avoidance does not usually solve problems. When it comes to discipline, the stepparent should support the rules but the true heavy hand has to come from the biological parent or you risk the stepparent being alienated by the teen taking the easy road of blaming the step-monster. Parenting together you can work to implement a strategy which guides the teen to become more responsible and respectful. In general, children can easily become misguided, lost, egocentric etc. and it is our job as parents to guide them to be more giving and empathetic to others. All of this takes time and continued patience but eternally worth the struggle.
I was not addressing you
I was not addressing you Outlaw, the first words of my reply clearly state "I see that OutlawSteps4evah had you read the signature.... " I was addressing the person who originally posted asking for advice and I offered them some in good faith.
Best wishes to you and I hope that your heart opens up a bit more someday to your role as a "stepdemon" because that may actually allow you to be more blessed than you already are.