I am just tired. That sums me up right now, mentally and physically exhausted. Of course that goes with the territory of having a 15 week old baby. However, he is the easy part of my life. The exhausting part of my life is dh and his baggage, all resulting from the poor choices he made years ago.

Yes I knew all about this baggage when I met dh. Yes I found it difficult to handle and knew that marrying a man with two bms was going to be hard. I knew having ss every weekend was going to be challenging. What I did not know was how I was going to become resentful of money once my own baby is born. I have always hated that my dh essentially supports two other households each month but it has never BOTHERED me as I never gave it much thought. Since having my own baby, I see how it does, in that I essentially buy everything for my own baby. I never realized that my husband would be slow to put money into a savings account for our son but continues to find money to put aside for ss and sd every month (on top of cs). And it makes me angry. I also never realized that this would manifest itself in me being internally upset about my husband paying for ss to get his hair cut (he pays for all these expenses for ss because God forbid bm spend any of her cs on ss). While this did not bother me before, it annoys me now to no end. There's always money there for ss but nothing for my own son unless I provide it. Another example is on Saturdays and Sunday's dh cooks up extravagant meals for ss while we eat shit during the week. I don't pay for any of this food anymore but dh will always cough it up. Same thing when we went out to eat for my bday last week, dh thought nothing of ss13 ordering food THREE times more expensive than mine. I don't want these things to bother me but they do. I have never been one to fall out over money but the resentment inside of me is so upsetting.

While I knew bm was a breeding machine, I did not know that when I finally got pregnant, so would bm (with her current partner). I did not realise that our due dates would be a week apart. I did not realize that my telling dhs family about pregnancy (after a long time of fertility issues) would be spoiled by ss shouting out that his bm was pregnant right in the middle of our announcement. I did not realise that I would have my baby on a Tuesday, bm on a Friday and that for several hours on the Friday we would be two beds apart (granted that with curtains closed we barely saw each other and I was discharged that day). I didn't realize that when I tried to talk to my husband about my feelings on this, how I felt my moment was slightly tainted by the fact the person he already had a baby with was two beds down and how they both must have been thinking about when ss was born). I would like for my husband to even acknowledge how this made me feel. He of course does not speak about his feelings ever and dismisses when I do which results in me boytling everything up and just being absolutely exhausted. all of these feelings keep coming to the surface - collected ss on Saturday and bm came out to look at my baby and show me hers. I think she was being nice but I was not ready to see her, I felt extremely awkward. I am not her friend nor do I ever want to be. I am aware that all of this, babies and hospital was out of my husbands control. The rational side of me knows this and the one time I tried to mention this to him he correctly pointed this out. But the irrational side of me is so angry. I feel the whole thing is trashy and classless and I find it embarrassing. I find myself fantasizing about being with a man who does not have this baggage like most of my married friends. Having husbands to devote all of their resources - financially and emotionally into their ONE home and children together. I know it's not fair but I blame dh for being so irresponsible especially where bm2 was concerned. How could he do it twice?? By 26. Stupid.

Sorry for the big long rant. I have always had issues related to bm2 but never with bm1. Now that all this has happened at the most important time of my life, I am so resentful of marrying a man with such baggage. I don't know how to even move past this. For the most part, he is a very good man.
But his inability to talk about anything important , no matter how hard I try to get him to open up, is just exhausting and I feel is beginning to affect my mental health.